today at 6:30 this morning my last living grandmother passed away. it was a long road for her and she suffered a great deal in the end. so i guess in a way it was a blessing that she has now passed on. her suffering has ended and she is with her family who has been waiting for her for years. it will jsut be a hard thing for me. i watched her suffer for weeks. the last thing she said to me was "God bless you Deanna." i dont know what emotion i am feeling. right now i am jsut numb and tired all at the same time. so to all my friends out there please keep my family in your prayers.

all of my friends have moved to myspace.com so i am following them over there. hope to see yall there!

well yesterday was my b-day.... oh ya the big 23.. it really sucked cause i was away from my family for the first time on my b-day. as i sit here and think about the last year of my life.... i feel like i have not acomplished much in 23 years. still depending on mommy and daddy to help me pay my bills and still dont have a career. oh well maybe this year i can make things happen more and set a direction for my life!

my little brother has been suffering from depression since my grandmother died a few years ago. it started with him not sleeping at night and has now progressed into a OCD condition. he is always been hard on himself. it seems like in the past few years he has gotten worse. i am always worried abotu him. i dont want him to make the same mistakes i did in school. he keeps blaming himself about my grandmothers death. he feels that if he stayed a few days longer than maybe he could have done something. this is the same way i feel. it has taken me years of therphy to understand that it is not my fault. i jsut wish that he could understand that there is nothing that anyone could have done to help her. it was her time to go. anyone have any suggestions???????

I know that i have not updated in a while but here is what is going on at the moment..... My last living grandmother is in the hospital again. she had a stroke. at this moment we dont know what is going to happen next. when she was in the hospital about 2 weeks ago... she decided that she is going to give up becasue she does not want to be a burden on us. she did not want us to have to deal with all her problems. i am jsut not ready to go through this process again. it is so hard to see my grandmother laying in that hospital bed knowing that she is suffering. if this is the way that it is going to be all i ask is that God go on ahead and take hre up to heaven. i hate seening here suffer. today when i went to vic i could not go to the hospital alone. i started crying before i even got there. so i jsut went to where my mom and brother were. we are going back later tonight and i am going to try to go in and see her. this is a very hard time for us all. in other news.... things with me and jason are great. we are doing good. i jsut wish here was here with me right now but he has to work. for me i dont knwo if i will have a job when i get back home cause i jsut started and now i had to take off. oh well if i dont i dont. no big deal. my place right now is with my family. side note.... Gred if u read this please add me to your frinds list. and goober u are there for me.

ok so on tuesday i was supposed to have sugury.... well that did not happen. jason got me sick. he had a stomach bug on monday which we thought was jsut food posinging.. only my luck it was not. so now i have to rechedule the sugury for later this month cuase they would not do mine because i was throwing up and had a fevor... oh well.... for now that is all that is going on in my world.... how about yours?????

the past few days i have really been thinking about wanting to see my biological dad. i have not seen him in alomost 20 years. i have been talking to him over the phone and through email... but it is just not the same.. i guess for me to have the closure i need i need to see him in person. i want to physically want to give him a hug and to see how mush i look like him. i dont understand y i am having such a strong need to see him but something in me is jsut pushing me so hard to see him in person. i dont know how to say to him that i have this need inside. help me someone figure this out....

i know it has been a while since i wrote in here.... anyways here is what is going on in my life.... and if you dont want to hear whinning then jsut dont read what i have to say...... ok well today i went up to the dealership where we were getting the car for jason to take them some paper work... this is what they told me... no bank wants to give us a loan without a 2,000 dollar down payment. no one will work with us to help us either. oh well..... u know i am kind of thinking that maybe something that my mom said is acctually making since..... maybe there is something wrong with that car that we cannot see. maybe there is going to be a recall or something in the feature and we jsut dont knwo about it right now. or maybe that is just not the car for us.... who knwos what the truth of the matter is... ok enough whinning for now...... in shcool this last semester i got 2 A's 2 B's and an incomplete in government.. who will agree with me and say that government is a pain in the but and you some times there jsut is not enough time to do everything.... for me that is what happened. i ran out of time to get everything done. i will work on it over the summer and get it finished.... in other news things between me and jason are going great. i really could not have asked for a better guy... i know i gripe about him sometimes but on here is where i vent when i need to get some stress relief.... other than the car thing things are going pretty good in my life!

this seems to be my saying a lot lately. it seems like everytime i turn around i have to pee but i am not preg. who knows with my body. anyway things with jason are getting better. we have talked some of the issues out and he is going to start being more sensitive to my needs and wants in the bedroom. that is a good thing. i think??? seems like things have gottne better since i have some of my projects done and turned in. it is kind of a relief to me. anyway that is all for now time to get some sleep and lay next to the one that i love.

lately things have not been going so well with jason and me. we are having a lot of fights about the fact that we very rearly have sex. we went from everyday to every other day to now i am lucky if it is once a week. i dont understand y or what i need to do. i know that this sounds like i am whinning but this is really the only place that i have to vent. i mean i am doing everything that i know of. but nothing is working. i dont knwo if it waht happened to him as a kid or what is going on???? it hurts me because i think that he does not find me attractive anymore. all i really want is to feel that closness you have you u make love to the person you love with your whole heart.

Today i found out from my mom that my little brother got acceppted to Texas A&M in college station. he is so excited. and so am i. i am glad that one of us gets to follow a dream that we have had since childhood. i am so happy for him. he cant wait. i am soooooooooooooooo proud of him. i guess this all comes with being a big sister. i jsut hope that he gets a good scholership to help pay for school. he will need one. way to go bubba!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it seems like lately nothing is going right. i feel like i cnat control what is oging on inside of my head or my body. i feel like everything is out of control and it scares me. i mean one min everything can be going just great and the littest thing will set me off. i dont understand. what is going on?????????????? is it my meds or what??? i mean dont get me wrong it is not jason that i am not happy with it is jsut what is going on inside of me. there is also the fact that people keep changing plans on me. ( dawn this does not include u) but like today one of my friends was supposed to go to lunch with me and then to see the new Ven Disle movie dont even know if i spelled right. well she changed her plans with out even callin me. i had been lookin forward to this all week. i know silly right. but i wanted to hang out with a friend for a change. i am home alone all day till jason gets home from work then he is to tired to go out and do anything. so yet i am still stuck at the house. oh well such is life right.

i went back to the gyno the other day and found out that i have to have yet another sugery. i thought that the last one was the end to the sugery for me but it looks like it is not. i am scared. but then again i am to the point where it is time for some answers. i am tired of the pain. i am tired of the cramps and i am tired of being weak because of being tired from the pain. i am ready for some answers and for something to change. i cant deal with it anymore. i have been trying to find a answer for like 8 years now. i jsut want the day to come when i dont have any pain. the pain i am talking about is the kind that makes you double over cause the cramps hurt so much. i know that this sounds like i am winning but i am not this is something that is real and happening in my life. will there ever be a answer?????????????????????

lately i have not been doing good again. a little over a month ago i wrote about having to have sugery to help with some female problems. i thought that the sugery had done me some good but i guess that i spoke to soon. i have been having more and more problems lately and i am getting scared that there will never be a solution to my problem. i really want there to be one but i dont know for sure if there will be without loosing the ability to have my own kids. u know that is something that every kid dreams of. is one day having thier own childern. oh well i guess that if this is the road i am supposed to go down then i will and one day i will adopt kids and raise them as my own.

today i did something that i have needed to do for a long time. i told my ex off. it felt so good. yesterday he got put in jail for havin a suspended licenes. well his new g/f was with me when we got the call about it. all afternoon i was running around with her trying to get things straightned out and trying to get thing ready for today. i did not get much sleep because of all the stress and sutff. so all day i ahve been tired. anyway to make a long story short tonight he calls and asks if my b/f can give him a ride to work tomorrow. in all reality he cant cuase he has to be somewhere at 8 in the morning for a drug test. and then to fill out paper work. i told him that i am tired of picking up the pieces in his life that have gone wrong. i have my own life and a relationship that i need to stay focused on, school that i have to work on all the time, and a life of my own that i need to start living. he has a new g/f and she needs to be the one who is picking up the pieces in thier life and not me being the one to always run to thier aid. i am tired of it now and i jsut want my own life. i guess really the only way that i can do it is to distance my self form the whole situation. i know that i pissed both of them off today but i dont really care right now cause i need my life back. jason told me he is glad that i finally grew the balls to tell him with i told him. so right now i am feeling really good.

i have finally relized how lucky i am to have jason. he did the sweetiest thing for me. he made me a card. he knew that i am obsessed with butterflies. and in the card he made sure that it had 2 of them in it. i finally relized that it is nice to be loved on a day like today. i have never had a guy be so loving and kind on v-day. or even someone make me a card. i love him so much and i am going to marry him someday. i cant wait!

tonight while talking ot my best friend and listing to music i asked her this .... when u hear the song my best friend who do u think of ? i don't know..... agg who do u think? i know this is silly but kevin aww but that is not right y cant i get him out of my head still ? : unrequited love. : what does that mean ? : you loved him with everything you had, and you guys didn't get any closure. you're still subconsciously wondering what might have been.... : that is true.... this made me think that i have never found closure with kevin. i did love him with everything i had. we seemed to fit so well. we had been best firends for so long before we got together that the day we broke up it was like ok what now? we agreed that we would still see each other when i came home. we talked about that when he had finished his senior year we would look at things and see where we stood. by the time he graduated a year later i was already engaged to someone else. but i was still in love with kevin. i did not know what to do. we talked about it again and everytime i came home he asked me when i was going to leave robert and come back to him. maybe i should have listned to him. i jsut did not know what i was thinkin at the time. i dont know how to go about getting closure with him. i still think to this day what would have happened if i had left robert and started seeing him again. i dont know. would i have been happy with that decision or not? i jsut dont understand y i still have these feelings even though i am happy with jason. i love jason to death but i ceatch my self wondering what would have happened??????? it is driving me nuts.

today was not to good of a day. when i get home from my last class i had a bill form the hospital. i called my mom to ask her if she had the bill from insurance about it and she starts in on me that i need to get a job and help out with expences. i am trying my hardest to find one but school has started back and everyone has hired all they want. i do need to find a job. i knwo this. but i jsut wish that my mom would not take her frustrations out on me. it seems like eveytime at the end of the month when money gets tight she takes it all out on me. not to mention my ex is being a dick to me. i dont understand why on one day everyone has to gang up on me. i jsut wish that people would be nice to me for once. if u r going to leave a mean comment jsut go away and dont leave me one i dont need anyone else to be mean to me todya.

well my b-day went good. i had a lot of fun hanging out with my best friend and my b/f. they both made me feel so special on sat that i had a lot of fun. while i was out on the dance floor with jason i felt like i was on a cloud. like we were flooting. i have never had that feeling before. it was a nice feeling to have. i feel that i am a truly lucky girl. i have found someone who treats me like a woman should be treated. i have never been this happy before. i started classes the day before my b-day. i am kind of scared about takin the classes that i have signed up for but i will make it through. i jsut have to use my time wisly. and this time if i need help i need to ask for it and not wait to the last minute.

well today is my b-day. i will be 22. oh ya. jason and i are going back home to see my parents and go out with my friends. i cant wait. it has been so long since i have been out to the club that i cannot wait. all i wanted to do for my b-day is go out on the dance floor and forget everything. that is something i need. i am happy that i have jason in my life. i told him the other day that he is the only present i need for my b-day. well that is all for now will let u know how things went!