I have too much time on my hands....and on every other part of me if I were to be particularly honest. No job. No money (this being the most depressing of things). No real plan. I had a plan but then fate and life found out about my plan and set it on fire then threw the ashes into a fast moving wind and told me to catch it....I keep laying in bed and thinking 'what now?' I know what I want to do...I know how (ideally) I would want to do it...which should be enough right? A plan and a course of action to get it done....but some how it isn't. People weren't meant to spend so much time indoors. It really does something to you mentally your world begins to shrink, your whole world becomes rotating around how much you can do within the bubble you seem to have thrown yourself in, you get comfortable you could live here forever right here on your bed as everything around you speeds through seemingly heading nowhere developing an overly cynical view of the active, while at the same time getting pissed at yourself for NOT doing anything and say you should try harder (and then don't). All I do is sit here and listen to music and contemplate on how much things may or may not suck in the near future an internal battle I have been having since a young age, and honestly people I have had just about enough of internal battles and all this is just proof that NOT doing anything for long enough will send you to setting yourself on fire and jumping off a very high building like a Looney tunes show blooper. So you wake up, the smell of the nearest person to you for some reason REALLY bugs you. And it isn't a new smell just a smell that you all of a sudden noticed and right at the time you wake up, which by now is around 2 in the afternoon because really who needs mornings when you serve no purpose? Moving right along, this sends you into a nose crinkling irritation but you sigh and move right along to your coffee because you need to be awake for whats left of the day now mind you the seed of irritation is planted it is now growing roots as you water it via the coffee (or whatever it is you drink in the morning to wake up try not to get distracted by particulars, and that kinda goes for this whole blog...I know it's shiny but lets try and focus) You open your computer and assume the position for optimal mooch and laze about to commence, you switch on the TV pull up whatever it is you are currently obsessed with and proceed to multitask (because this is the one and only skill that being stuck in your house DOESN'T decide to regress into nothing) going back and forth between downloading music googling and laughing at whatever witty and pointless thing was said on TV, before you know it, it's time for dinner and you have spent the last 8 hours in a daze where when someone asks you what you did today you as if finally coming out of your drug induced haze respond with a quick and almost depressing line of "Fine not much going on really" When in your head you go "Honestly I have no fucking idea, my day was basically devoid of emotion or any real purpose" So then what? It's the night again and we all do the most thinking during the night when the energy around us calms down takes some pressure off the confides of our minds and we think. And I don't know about any of you but I think..and think and think and think and think. Quite frankly I feel like Winnie the Pooh 'thinkthinkthink' and thinking leads to wondering and wondering will lead you to look at your life and obviously if your life is anything like I described you would rightfully be a little depressed, right? The depression slowly turns into anger because your tired of hearing yourself whine, and that person with the smell walks past and BAM! Game over, someone let joker out and your PISSED. And your pissed about everything. And I do mean every fucking thing. Only way to get rid of it is a hard drink mean music and some fucking silence. Hope and despair are tap dancing on your forehead like unlikely friends joining hands to send you into mood swings so bad your getting whiplash. And then finally when your curled up in your closet crying like you have never cried before thinking of ways to leave this earth and how many cigarettes will it take to work up the courage to jump out the window, you look at the time and realize your favorite show is on, you scramble out and park your ass in the default position. And watch it. And laugh. We are insane. Maybe it's just me, but I know of at least a few other people who are the same way. Either this whole thing is a very complicated way of brainwashing by the government or we misread the Mayans prediction and the end of the world is in 2011 and this is just the beginning. And if it is well, I watched the book of Eli motherfuckers and I am getting all of your soap and chapstick! And all the water for that matter. Even the end of the world can't stop me from a shower! Case and point, people aren't meant to be home so much....