Well...here it is again the shit storm before the calm...Riva is at her friends house her mother decided to be a bitch...I feel bad I got mad when she got home...she didn't need the stress just like I don't need the stress of the whole situation...just her mother, her mother is a flying fucking cunt who I at this point just can't stand.I mean I know what it's like to have a mother who isn't going to win any awards but I don't know, there isn't anything I can say to her, her mother won't stop until she wants to...it's like waiting in a foxhole for the emeny to run out of ammo...just keep waiting to see what she throws at us next. But in all honesty I don't know how much more I can take.
Her mother is trying to ruin our relationship or just trying to make us miserable, either way it spells disaster for us if it isn't handled in some way...and for the moment we are out of ideas...I'll figure something out I always do...one things for sure..I love her...I love her with all my being, which makes the pain of this all the more heavy, I miss when it was simplier for her and I..then again I have no idea when it was simpilar. Wishful thinking?
But this stress I am under is taking it's toll..my mental state is taking heavy fire and my heart feels like it's running for 5 very tall people. I find myself running back into my little world I am hiding so ferociously in my little world I haven't got the courage to come back out. But something bigger that I am fighting now is my want to do drugs. I have been sober a long time and I know it's foolish but I want an escape I want out I don't want to feel anymore, but then that is the coward in me...I find myself wanting to be alone so everyone doesn't have to deal with me and I don't have to act like I am not falling apart but it's strange I feel so alone I want people around me but then I don't want them there...It's at night when it's quiet and my mind has free range that's when it's scary that's when I want nothing but to shut it up and how does a drug addict stop thinking about things? It's in the bottle in the cabinet next to the garlic salt and before the box of dayquil. I just want out. I have always just wanted a way out from all of this. And that was it but it's bad right? Ruins your life and all that....but ruin a life that's already ruined. Toju tells me to live for the people around me and thus far the two people I cherish most in the world are disappointing me to massive lengths, I don't know what to do anymore, I am utterly alone in a world wher everyone tells me I have people who care and love me but I guess I keep missing them lately...I need to let go.