So it's 5am again and I keep having those dreams. The ones where I am standing at the bottom of a pool and my feet are stuck to the bottom and everyone I know is standinga round the edges of the pool and they are screaming at me and they start throwing random crap at me until the pool fills up and I drown. But I have had that before it's easy enough to shake off.
The dreams I have trouble shaking off and sleeping again are the ones from my childhood. Incase you were wondering I have had 'Lifetime Movie Network' bad of a childhood, the kind of shit that you just can't imagine happening to a kid. So understandably I have dreams...and they aren't pleasent mostly. I hate them, it brings me right back makes me feel like a kid again. I woke up crying this time. I am used to it by now but I can't shake the feeling for awhile. The feeling is hard to describe it's a sinking feeling like I am being pulled and then panic. But eh, it's the price I pay for living through it and after meeting my girl I would say it's a fair price.
Speaking of my girl, I am starting to feel bad that she has to stay up so late every night and wake up so fucking early (even though her waking up early isn't my doing). I know she says she doesn't mind because she wants to spend time with me (which I secretly am very thankful for) but I can't help feeling bad. It's my want/need to want her to do whats best for her and what's best for US. I know if we didn't sleep together every night then our relationship would suffer for it. I just can't wait until she is here, I have to wait another few weeks before I can start my medical transcription class. I am just hoping it won't be another bullshit thing and that this will work out...no it will work out, it has to I am not willing to take no for an answer, which isn't shocking considering I don't take no as an answer for anything that has to do with Riva. Getting the medical transcription thing and ultimately getting a job in said feild is what will get her to me...or me selling an organ whichever comes first. But getting started with it is a few weeks off so now I just want to enjoy the summer with her. I forgot that sometimes you have to stop worrying so much at least for a few minutes if you ever want to enjoy what your so busy worrying about. And honestly I could use the brain space, chilling out hasn't been in my repertoire and THAT'S just not like me. I like to have fun and hang out, but I feel so fucking grouchy for no reason. So I am going to chill. My demented family is going away again so I will have the house to myself again for awhile...and some time alone with my girl to get lost in her..with her. I love getting lost in her she is the only safe haven I have left and like I said i'll do anything to make sure she is going to be happy and taken care of. She really is the best thing that has ever happened to me.