So I pick bad friends. But you'd think I'd picked right with Toju...I dunno why you would think that but I thought it. Figured out he tries to change me like everyone else does.
"Feel bad about what you did in your past" I fucked up that's universal knowlegde...but can't I laugh about any of it? Or am I meant to hate myself for absolutely EVERYTHING I have EVER done.
The hard truth of it is. I don't have a best friend anymore. I can't talk to him without feeling judged he is mad and sore because Riva has taken up so much of my time. Some of the plans him and I made got turned because of her I choose her over him everytime and any day of the week. So he pulled away and because I have my abandonment issues I pulled away and we are now mad at eachother and we try to hurt eachother. There is so much about him that drives me nuts. His lack of ambition his lack of caring his lack of fore thought. He is turning selfish last night his family was having drama not him his familt which is a bummer and it wasn't anything insanely serious...he expected me to feel bad for him cause of it. He wants everyone up his ass and to pet and coo over him and it's not in me to be like that with him. He said to give him a hug yesterday and it kind of freaked me out....I just want to hit him not hug him he is driving me nuts.
I don't have my friend anymore I dont have anyone outside of Riva I can confide in...I give up. I can't trust anyone, including Riva to a point because of what happened between us that one time. I don't let people in hardly ever no one see's beyond what I allow them to. I let Toju be a fixture in my life and I am regretting it like I figured I would.
Maybe I am fucking to far gone but why can't a friend exsist for me that will tell me CONCERNS and mention them like concerns, who will have faith in me and let me fucking be me.Yes I am fucking drug addict! I get it yes yes yes yes I am. But I have been clean for over a year I have held my ground for over a year I have ignored the fucking itch in my brain for over a year even during the time he fucked up relationships and tried to break Riva and I up. I gave him chances he didn't deserve I have stuck by him and always been there. I have never once left him holding the bag of his own fucking bullshit! I have always done my fucking best I have pushed my own shit aside to make sure he was alright. And now I have to sit here and wonder why I fucking wasted my time. I have to sit here and wonder how I picked such a bad best friend. I have kept his secrets never went behind his back. NEVER done anything he could bitch about. I have put up with his shit and shit from his fucking cunt of a girlfriend, his lies and everything else he has managed to throw at me.
Having saiid all that. why did I stick around? Why did I give him all those chances? I really thought he would change...I think I am only doing this to myself now...at this point it's kind of that shame on you for sticking around thing...just when I thought I might have something like a family one day...my life really is a revolving door everyone in and out in and out and I get to spin in the middle watching them come and go. Maybe I should just stop looking.