You know I look in the mirrior and all I see is the addict in my eyes. The wanting the needing of everything I can but can't seemingly live without.

That being said my depression is back and with full force, it's getting back to the 'I can't get out of bed because I can't find a fucking reason to even move today' thing. I am sitting here on my third glass of rum and all I can think about is wanting to be numb. Not wanting to feel this...my gut keeps telling me something is up with Riva, the dreams aren't helping with that either. Been waking up crying last few nights. I keep trying my best for a happy face so I don't have to listen to the judgments of my best friend. i need support and all I am getting is his cynical attitude.

Her net is apparently only going out for her and everyday at the same time, I kind of feel like something is going on but that could just be my paranoia. God knows I wouldn't blame her. I wouldn't stay with her mind you, But I wouldn't blame her. Odd huh? Lesbians being all about sex and all and that hasn't happened for us in awhile. She will probably see this and get pissed off or something but the rum is kicking in and honestly I don't care. I told her before if she wants to go to go I won't hold her here I won't make her stay...besides it would say alot about her if she did cheat because I am going through a hard time.

Heh...look at me Lesbian, drug addict, masochistic/sadistic bitch with no morals. Aren't I a keeper huh?

Fuck it. Tonight I feel like I haven't got anyone. Tonight I want to drink to forget this hurt. And maybe tonight for a second I will feel the bliss of forgetting everything maybe tonight I will be able to smile a little I haven't done that in awhile. I am tired of this bullshit I think everyone else is tired of hearing about it too. So eh I have more to drink and this to regret in the morning.