Right now, he thinks im inbed sleeping. but I can't. Tonight, I thought he was planning on breaking up with me over being confused. He told me "Before I never knew why a guy would ever break up with their girlfriends because they wouldn't put out. but you know what, we do have needs." Those weren't his exact words, and he told me it over msn, but it litrilay made me start balling. I really thought he was planning on calling us off, because I wouldn't give bobs. Wow, my hands are shaking just typing that. I honestly was horney tonight, but I was tired, and just wanted to relax..I didn't know that all of this would happen because of the amount of action that went on tonight. he says that he thinks I want to have a "friendship relationship" Yes and no. I want to be friends with the guy, and when im older, pretty much even now, I consider him my best friend. I tell him everything. I just haven't told him I consider him my best friend. not only do I want love from him, but I also want a friend... what if he just wants love? what if since we had sex, hes going to want it all the time? now im really scared.. I dont want to loose him.

Tonight was beautiful, had some sniffles, but other then that, I'll never forget the night. Tonight, I gave my virginity towards Tyler Wolfe. I really love him with all my heart, and I can't live without him. It honestly was the greatest Valentines day of my life.

OKay I went to tai's watched a little hockey.. I forget what teams were playing and what team lost, but i know.. Tyler's friend "blue" really likes the team that lost.so...must suck to be him. Well it was pretty crazy.. I think at 9:40 we were on his bed making out.. and it started getting hot.. so he took of his sweater, and Wow. It was SO hot to see him take it off. but i was crazy.. we were hardcore making out.. for like..30-40 min. fuck it was orgasmic. like he had felt me up, and I wasn't wearing a bra, like I was wearing a built in bra, so he was touching my boobie! and then he was doing something to my vagaina.. like... the panst were on and shit, but he was rubbing the crotch area, and omg It was an orgy! :O the best part was he got a boner :-D

Oh MAn!! The concert was great.. I missed out on my last class to go early, and it payed off. I got to get hugs from the whole Hedley band, and the Faber band.. and to top it of, I got to kiss Tom. He plays Bass, and hes like the background singer or what not.. It was crazy.. Hes my secret crush. I think the night was the coolest thing is the world.. I just couldn't stop thinking about Tai.. I couldn't help but think of him during the songs, the wait, and the hugs and kisses. It would have been beyond perfect if he was there. Grr, I like him so much.. I really dont know what I would do without him.. I think im going to e-mail him.. Usually we always write little e-mails.. I love his e-mails...well honestly.. I just love him.

Okay Last night I went to Tais to watch the hockey game. Toronto had lost. Okay well the night was beautiful. I loved it. His mom is halarious, she was doing the laundry and watch tai to put his laundry so she kept showing us his undies, just for the fact of him going to do it. I found it QUITE funny. He that it was scaring him for life. I had lots of fun.. we were all cuddling and watching the game.. and then he just brings up two girls that like him... I didn't like it at all so I left the couch we were at and sat at another one. and I cheered for Ottowa. I kinda thought he got the point... but I donno. Today he seemed as if nothing even happened. There was me.. expectign to get asked out.. and he starts talkign about OTHER girls.. like... wtf? Well I donno Justine tried to get him to say sorry to me, because she started bitching at him during spare, and apparently she even hit him too.. but even still he couldn't remember "im sorry" so she basically fed him the words right in front of me.. and he was just like Im sorry......."pss justine, why am i sorry?" so i basically just got a LittLe annoyed... but w/e... I guess he can be a dick sometimes...

Today after school, Tai and I went back to his house.. ah ha ha.. what did we do.. . . . Oh. We were playing some basketball.. with two deflated balls..and then we got cold, so we ended up just going inside, and whatching some hockey, on his bed. We were in a VERY kinky position, and well.. the phone rings, and well...it was my mother. So I had to go home. Around 20 min later, I went back there. Our goal was to watch "The fast and the furious".. but we ended up watching.. a whole bunch of TBS shows.. and.. he kept throwing me around on his bed. During that we would somewhat give a little kiss. and then later on he would as a huge question.. and well.. Kisses seemed plain. So it was open mouth. and..BAM! there was tongue.. and so now, basically, when ever we kiss I hope he isn't expecting tongue, because Im not going to do it. He better ask me out, or else no more Jen...

September 30th I had went to tais to watch a movie, aand it was beautiful. His little Nephew was over and I got to see him with a little boy, and it was beautiful. I just wanted to say that I loved him. During the movie, we were cuddling. we were So close, we couldn't get any closer to eachother. Around 12:00 Am. The phone rings. It was my mother. So basically I had to go home.. but I bought myself 20 min of fun time at tais still. He had biked me home, and it was around..12:15 am now...and lets just say, Im glad he biked me home. We were talking and goofing around as usual.. but it was diffrent this time.. for some reason, I was more drawn to him then I ever was before... and then it happened. Our heads were so close to eachothers.. and I just leaned in, and kissed him. We began to kiss a lot. and it wasn't so much, that it was disgusting, it was so much that it was perfect. I knew my mother would be pissed now, because it was around..1-1:30ish.. and I was due at the house for 12:30 we both kept saying "I should go home, or You should go home" because we both had somewhere to be for 9am. but we couldn't leave eachother. At one point of time, he was making fun of me.. and I was so in the moment I just wanted him to kiss me.. and when I was replying to his little tease I had ment to say "Quit making fun of my pupils"..what had come out was "You're making out with my pupils" we both kinda thougth about it for a while, and had a good laugh.. but I was SO embarassed. Once it was 2 am, he really had to go.. and it was the hardest thing in the world... I think we had 10 good-byes... and 1 billions of kisses.. but should I stop with the kissing?..we aren't even dating? The main reason of this entry is because my first kiss from tai was October 1st, at 12:30 am.

Okay Tai calls me and wants me to get waisted with him and tai. Should I be mad? or glad? I would be glad, because... at least he invited me... but then again.. When I said no, he kept pushing me. and then... im underage,...but who cares about that these days.. Grr... I am so annoyed. yet I cant be mad. LIke, I feel as if I should not talk to him for a couple of days.. or maybe block him out for a week.. butthen my heart is telling me not to do that, and just to wait. I think i should just sleep on it.. and I'll write an entry tomorrow about how my brain has changed about it..

Is there really true love out there? Is there really someone out there for every one? What if there is. What if I never meet him? I have been trying to find someone.. but it is as if everyone is in it just for the action. is there any guys in the world that really want to care and to love someone? The guys are either.. to emo, selfconcious, preppy, GAY, and just creepy. Yes, I have met guys that whenever I am around them it feels as if no one else is around, the whole butterfly in teh tummy, Scilence..but the good one.. not the awquard kind, the little "am I allowed to touch her hand yet?" I love that stuff.. like it is just so beautiful. I wish I had a guy like that. Someone who dresses well, doesn't care about his image mroe then me, makes me feel special, and pretty 24/7. he has to..be romantic, and he can't be all about sex, and trying to be the guy who his buddies wishes the were. I wish I would have a man who would just lone to hold my hand.. or stair into my eyes.. or to even just hold me so close that he could hear how much i love him. I wish we would have our little secrets. I wish I could talk to him, and know he wouldn't go tell everyone. most of all... I wish I could find that man who would just be completely perfect for me.

Did you know that You have 22 pounds of shit inside you? So does that mean... If I crapped my self every day before I went to school, would I look thinner?

Last night I had a dream, that made me happy. It made me have hope, butterfly's, and it got me out of my horrible mood. it is what i needed so Im going to share it with others. My dream involed.. Cassie, Richard, Heather (my mom), Me, and Braden. I dont remember much, but let me try to put it all down... Ok, my class and I were on a feild trip, and we went to this place where we had to take a plain. My mom was the teacher, and everyone thought she was awesome. Since my mom is so cool like that everyone had to ahve partners, and she put Braden and I together, and Cassie and Richard. On the flight to where ever we were going, Braden and I really opened up, and got close. Cassie asked richard out once again, and she was rejected once again. you could tell that richard really had the hots for someone else. I remember that Braden and I got to stay in this awesome hotel together, and we slept right beside eachother, and I couldn't fall asleep, because braden was so close to me..lol. the next day braden and I went out to get icecream, and I had noticed there was something diffrent about him. He had the choice to change partners, but he didn't he stayed with me. when I was having a battle between my icecream choices, he just leaned over and kissed me. When I looked into his eyes, it looked so gorgous, something that I couldn't be mad at or even sad. he lit me up, and all I could to was kiss him back. ever since then, when we had went shopping, or cruiseing in his sexy camaro, we were always holding hands, or atleast touching eachother. For cassie and richard.. They were finally broken up, and cassie became this big slut, and slept with Jason Gurtz (some guy from Joesph Teres)... and Richard got to be with some lovely brunette. before I knew it It was time to leave this wonderful place. except the problem was I had lost the beautiful neckalace that He had bought me. I couldn't leave without it. So my mother and I were looking for it while everyone was on the plane ready to leave. My mom knew how much the neckalace ment to me, so she told the piolet to take them back to school, and My mother and I would catch the next flight. The last words I heard were "I love you, and I can't leave without you!" and I could see him running back to me. when I woke up. I had waken up with the beautiful sun, a happy mood, and with a brighter smile.

OK. This is a venting out entry so I probably won't mean any of it tomorrow.... but I need to say it. I haven't been with my friends for a really long time, lets just say, it has atleast been 2 weeks (at the min) I try to call my friends and talk to them and shit but it isn't the same. Honestly. Right now, I feel like I am being replaced. It feels that I made really good friends out here, but Damn. Like... things happened throught the year.. All summer, it seems like I have barely been with them, and it almost seems like Im not wanted there.... I really hurts, because they're all talking about guys, that I don't know of or don't even understand or shit liek that... and ugh.. I want to be clued in!!! I can't even discribe how I feel, Im just so annoyed. ugh.. I don't know. I just.... GRRR... :(

I know that everyone has discovered love, and hate; but has anyone ever really had true love, or met their soul mate? I think that I am in love with a boy. I love being near him, he always makes me smile..even if he makes me so mad that i'd want to cut something off.. he has this way of making me smile, or feeling loved again. I have told him plenty of my secrets, and respect.. and not once has he ever told anyone.. for example.. I told him about someone who was really bringing me down, becuase he would always call me fat, or bitch or something like that when he passed me in the halls... so he said that if he ever hear anyone calling me that, he'd stand up for me. I really like how in science class, he would sit so close beside me, and we'd share the head phones and listen to some G G G-Unit, while working on our homework.. For the past 11 days, it has beena bitch for me. WHy? Because he left. He went to Ottowa, during my last free weeks. We were planning on hanging out lots this summer, but im not sure that it will happen. I have never felt so good around anyone before.. even when im nervous around him, he makes me feel so much better... just talking about him makes me smile.. and apparentl, I have a sparkle in my eye....as when my friends have told me.

I think that music is one of the best things in the world. Besides friends of course. With music, you have an option of what you want to listen too. Music can be one of the closest things that you can have. When you're angry, and you just want to scream..then music will help you by blowing the speakers so that you can scream as loud as you want and no one will know. When you are sad, and you dont want to talk about it to anyone.. just listen to a song, maybe it will inspire you. When you are happy, listen to a goofy song, and spread the great feeling of happiness. For me, music is the next best thing.

In English... like 2-3 weeks ago, Mr. Grafton (my english teacher) had assigned us to write a research paper. I chose to do it on Anorexia and Bulimia. When I was reading some of the books, I couldn't help but think how stupid those people are.. like people have been doing this since the Middle Ages, and even before then..except, They didn't want big thighs, and now everyone doesn't want a tummy. Honestly.. What is wrong with fat? like come on. People think that Thin, and big Boobs, its beauty... but its not. Beauty is everything that is on the inside. not on the out. Some guys can really piss me off, because like really... for most guys if she looks hot, then most likely she's going to get attention.. yet she can be a complete bitch! and then this normal 'Girl Next door' kinda thing, can be perfect, and so sweet, but no one will know, becuase she isn't 'beautiful' I think the there beauty is starting to loose its true meaning.. I have to go, but I will write more later..

Suicide, is the cowards way out. Did you know that for ever homicide, there is 3 suicides, and that every year, they amount of deaths get greater? Suicide, is so stupid. At the time, it might seem like it is the only thing in the world that you can do, but its not. They have Kids help phones, and things like that to help you. I think that no one should give their own lives up, just because you have crossed a difficult part in your life. When people do killl themselves, they will hurt eveyone around them. Not only would they be taking there own lives away, but even the people around them, they'll be taking a peice of them away.. There is always someone that you can reach out to, and that will listen. All you have to do, is find one person, that one person, will listen, and offer you a hand with your problems. It takes a lot of courage to pull a trigger on yourself, but then you have to think about the things that you'd be throwing away.. Today was the Kids Help Phone Walk. I used to go in this walk yearly, but since we moved, I didn't get the letter in time.. Its a great thing, You walk to like.. 10-20 min, and then after you get pizza, pop, and candy. There is even some singers that sing. I hope people know that they have to slit there wrists to make a situation better. It just scares the the people that care about you.

I think courage it a great thing to have. Espically if you have a friend that is scared or shy a lot, because the one that is brave can stick up for the others. I think that I was more brave when I was little, because of what I went through...and now, Im scared to go infromt of the class for a 30 second speach. I think I lost my bravery when I move here, because.. I was scared that I wouldn't fit in..and I was like a loner for the first couple of days. The first day was the worst. Not only was I sick, I didn't know anyone. I felt like I was a retarded person that no one wanted to talk to... I am glad that I met Justine. She has helped me through most of my issues, and problems here. She reminds me of Steph back home, because she was always there for me.. because of these two gals, I feel really loved, and I have been able to be very open with my friends more. If I was never as close to my friends as I am now, I honestlywould be a VERY shy little girl, whom would probably be still in ballet, waiting for that tutu!

At least every week I get another bruse. It is like I'm a little girl again.. and I can't even do anything about it, except for telling my mom, and my best friend. I have told my mom about what he does to me, but she doesn't do anything. All she says is "why is he touching you?" I hate it how he raises is voice at me, and how hard he hits. I hate it how we can never get threw one conversation with out him getting mad, and loosing his patience towards me. Last night, I went for a walk with my mom, and I told her how I think he is going to become a rapist, or an abuser... just like my dad. I told her everything on how I felt. Sometimes, I think my mom is scared of him... Like just the way she'll look at him when he hit's me.. It looks like she gets a visual of ...him He was hitting me, because he couldn't find his batteries... yet they were left on the floor, and he had put clothes over top of them. Like, I don't know if he's to lazy, or if he just has a passion for hitting me. I think he needs help. I'm scared for if he ever gets to have a baby. Will he abuse her? Will he follow in his footsteps?

Life. Birth, Youth, Adult, Elder, and then Death. Is there an after life? When we're born, our main goal is to eat all the junk food, and chocolate we can find. When we're in the youth ages, all we want, is to look pretty, hangout with friends, and have fun. Adult..I'm guessing all they want is best for their kids, and they want to keep there home, and have enough money to suport their family. Elder's just want to spoil their grandkids, and pee themselves in a chair. I think that be apart of something real. I don't understand why people kill themselves. Yes, there has been a time in my life where I wished someone had shot me in my face, buit now that I look back on it, im glad no one shot me, because I would have missed out on everything. The people that do kill themselves weren't thinking. They could have gotten help. I think that life is really intereting, because we get to have our own kids someday when we're older. .. I would put more, but my brother has to work on some grad things..

What are friends? When I was growing up, I had always thought friends ment..someone who has your back, and they'll always listen, they'll make you feel better when you're down, they'll make you want to piss yourself because you're laughing to hard, and they'll always tell you the truth, and thats just some reasons ... basically over all friends will always be there for you. The good and the Bad. What happens when one gets jealous? Every little secret you ever told them, becomes the school latest gosip. Then the lies. They'll talk behind your back, and act diffrently towards you, when ever their friends are around. If everyone is truely friends with someone, then they'll love eachother for their whole life, no matter what. They'll support you through evrything, and if not, they'll try to get an understanding about it. My best friends name is Steph, and we've known eachother our whole lives..basically, since we were 3.. so ever since we started talking, we have been friends. We have gone through the thick, and thin together, and in the end, we're always there for eachother. I can concider her as my sibling. friend. and my best friend for my whole life. I feel like we have grown on eachother. I miss it a lot, and I wish I got to see her a lot more then I do...