Actually... You better get on yahoo or .. I dunno I should cry.. Take pity on the sick person!! Now!! grr arg.. la! I'm sick.. Obviously.. lol I'm fainting n crup.. Anna thinks I should go to see my doctor. I'm not gonna do it.. Sorry.. Not unless they make me. Which I doubt they will unless I actually faint in front of them. Let's see... I'm really over the whole extremely happy for no reason... Or extremely sad despite smiling all day... It just doesn't make sense to me.. So I'm refusing to admit that I feel anything.. but ill.. Cause I really feel sick.. I have to say.. My life hasn't been all bad.. I just don't remember most of the good stuff.. Unless it was recent.. Like having all these neato friends.. Or dealing with the whole.. thing that I've previously not believed in.. This morning.. With the words "golfers tan" I laughed my ass off... Remembering when my mom used to tease the crup out of my vatti for getting a golfers tan and complaining.. For some reason I remembered that.. N it made me think of all the semi normal times when my parents weren't too high or spun to show a little affection. N that was a bit odd... I say semi normal.. because it's normal for most families.. but really not for mine.. I've been reminded why I took up writting in the first place.. Though I still have yet to show something that means anything to me... But I came across a notebook a little while ago.. It really upset me.. Reminded me of how bad it hurt when.. well when the first person I ever trully loved.. (aside from family) decided he hated me.. I think I'm going to post one of them.. For lack of something better to do.. Though this is just before he went back to being normal... Well written as he was becoming a nice person again. Like I said before.. I am a drama queen... Have been since I started writting.. Oh wow.. Thought I lost it for a moment.. K here goes... Sometimes I wonder why I even bother at all.. It's not as if anything I do makes any difference to you. I could slit my wrists on your doorstep and you wouldn't care. Your only comment would be on the blood staining your "welcome" mat, as you casually step over my lifeless body. However, your lack of well being is not what I wish to discuss. I've long since accepted your hatred for me. It's your sudden kindnes that interests me. I wonder by what miracle you have been forced into acting the part of someone sweet. Perhaps, this is no miracle at all, and nothing more then a curse. Whichever the case, I wish you'd return to being spiteful so my hatred for you can remain justified and I can continue in it without guilt. Anyhow.. I never finished that... I got caught up in something else... Writting a story I called "dragon's egg" or some crup like that. I don't even know what I did with that.. I'm surprised at my own stupidity.. Cause I never really hated him. I just couldn't deal with the fact that I still cared for him. So hatred was the only way I showed it. I kind of wonder what I would have written next. I know I never told him the truth... I wouldn't either.. Writting has always been my way of saying things I'd never say to a person because I don't like being hurt.. N I don't like hurting other people. I also wonder why I lied to myself in my own writting. I've never found another notebook with a single lie to myself... This is the second one I've ever seen... Funny how I only lied to myself over him. Well... Things are odd today.. I like them. I'm going back to normalcy.. Cause I don't really write here much... Or share any of my dramatics.. Not unless it's with my notebook.. Anyways.. Hugs n crup, Roxy