I go to talk then I stop. Then I can't stop when I talk. Then when I can see what I want to say, or feel what I need to get out - it all draws a blank and I'm back to where I started. Emotions that have been stashed away for so long, causing me to feel nothing at all, yet everything at once - those feelings are rising to the surface now, but I can't seem to let what's bothering me slip off my tongue. So to anyone, or maybe just to everyone who asks "how's everything going?" there's just this silence and maybe a few things I might say. Then quickly the subject will change, because there is no use for me to try and say more. My words always get jumbled, never knowing quite what to say. Saying one thing, yet meaning another - never quite knowing what I'm meaning to say. That has nothing to do with anything, but everything to do with it all. My mind has been hitting bottom and I can't even place a finger really on what's wrong, or if something is even truly wrong, even though I know its there. You're there, and I'm here. You're so high above me, and I'm so unworthy to even be here. Here, there, it means nothing, but yet again it means everything. I need to place myself where You once were, and place you back on the throne where You're meant to be. The list goes on, but for every mile - there's a story You once lived. You lived each thing from my past, each thing from my present, and each thing that will come in my future. Yet I doubt sometimes if You're really there. And if I'm still really here. I wish there was so much more I could give to You, but I don't know where to begin. My life is all I have to give... so take me, make me, and break me. I want to be wholly transformed into what You have created me to be. I lay it down. Yes, I lay IT down. Yes, that sin... Yes, Lord, that one, too. Oh and we can't forget that one. Take it all. Take it all away from me and teach me to be like Jesus. I want to be made like Jesus. As a dear friend said, I'm letting go to prove to You I'm serious, and that I want more. I need more. I crave so much more of You. God, I am so sorry. I know I failed. I know I strayed. Oh loving Lord if I could only take it all back now. If only I could erase the things I've done, the places I searched to fill this hurt I said, forgive me Father. Please hold me close, never let me go. Live in me and through me. Father, I know that I can't erase the bad, but from here I can live good. And I want to. I promise too, and I will try not to break it. Thank you so much Adonai, for waiting for me, for loving me enough to let me come back. Thank you for calling my name until I heard. Thank you for letting me hear. Thank you for everything.