I realize its been a year since ive used my sit diary... and actually i am glad that the site is still up and running. Now i realize that I need this thing more than ever. I've noticed that when I do things to alter my life I don't think before I do. Im quick with my actions. and now I am in the worst situation than i've ever been in before. my daughter who is now 16 months old was a tootsie roll last year for halloween and this year she was a monkey. i'll post some pictures if i remember how... could i get some help please?? thanks

I think that Im coming down with a cold. >>>>>>>>>..... But. I aM reaLLy trYInG not To LEt that geT In THe waY OF beINg TherE for TRiniTY. . . . .... . . .. . . . . . ... For her first Halloween I dressed her as a Tootie Roll. I will post pictures as soon as I can get them downloaded and put on the site. well she is getting fussy... i'll have to do my updating later on.

Alright if none of you remember me from a long time ago then thats fine... because its not like i have been here very often for the past year... or almost a year. to recap... i was in a long distance relationship for over 2 years... and that ended a while ago because i thought that i wanted a relationship where i could see the person everyday and see and spend time with.... it took awhile to make the transaction. i was so confused about what i was doing.... and i should have listened to my heart. but i honestly admit that what i did was a mistake. but what i got out if it is nothing more than a beautiful miracle... and her name is Trinity Amerose. She is now 2 and 1/2 months. mixed filipino and white. I will post pictures later. born on June 29th. So in a way i cant say i completely regret what i did. i am currently talking to my ex boyfriend... conrad. i told him what had happened. because the whole time that we were not "together" - in a relationship... i was so depressed and upset and still so completely in love with him... i let go the one true thing... my one true love. yes, i love trinity's father... but im not in love with him... "j" i told conrad i still loved him... which i probably shouldnt have done... but right now i am unhappy. "J" and I always fight... I am not happy and i, yet again, am worried about his feelings rather than act upon my own. conrad wants me to see him... witht he baby, who he calls his own... and would accept her as his daughter if we got back together... i am in another situation where i know what i want to do... but im scared and confused... i feel like the only parent anyway... i barely get any help. i know... do what makes me happy. right? sounds easy.... so barely any of the people i considered friends know... only a few... because you know with certain situations who you would believe to be a true friend and who is there just to critisize you and judge you... i know my spelling is off tonight... oh well. i could go into more depth but its getting late... until next time... later

holy shit... i cant believe my diary is still here and still has my entries in it... i thought for sure it was gone.... im glad it is here because there has been so much going on... and i really need to let it all out... but first im going to check out a few things on this site.... i have missed this...

its been so long... i havent been home or around a computer in so long. ive been staying at joses a lot... but i still love conrad. what else is new? i guess i'll update more next time... but i have to go to work.

ive made the diary private for awhile... and i might continue to make it private. but im leaving this entry to let any one who read my diary or was pretty much somewhat there for me to let them know that i have another diary on here... so you can leave comments there. its makemehateyou otherwise in the user info is where to email me and such.

i went to wet n wild on thursday. it was fun. i dont tan though which i have always hated. i dyed the bottom half of my hair dark brown.. and the top is the same ol' blonde... i have always had. but it looks pretty cool. ima do it again but more brown and darker. hahaha. i barely have time to do anything or go anywhere... which sucks.. i havent seen any of my friends. and im pissed. i need time and a car. OH SHIT... i still need to get my health card. fuck! later

so since i have lately been spending most of my time living on the fucking bus getting to and from work, i have met a lot of people. mostly guys... no... all guys. young old... well i met this guy name david. he is from italy and now lives in vegas. he keeps asking me to hang out. and since we get off work at the same time i see him at the bus stop. he wants to hang out and what not. he also wants me to go with him to studio 54. i cant get in because im not old enough but he is the one that works there and said he could get me in. eh heh. i met this guy name lee... i thought he was twenty-something but it turns out he is only 18. he bought me a ride on this roller coaster. nice guy, not my type. but he wants me to call him sometime. i thanked him but i doubt i will call him. about a week ago i met a middle aged black guy who gave me a ride down the road so i could catch the bus. he saw me pass by and was going to bring me some water. yesterday i met another guy named joe. hispanic. 36. good god whats going on here? there were several other guys that talked to me or asked me my name and if i had a boyfriend. yes guys, i do. two days ago i met a young black guy, cute, at taco bell while i was waiting for the bus. he sat down and just made small talk with me. his name is anthony. and yesterday i was walking and this guy was walking behind me. he thought i was scared of him but i was in a hurry to catch the bus. so we shake hands and exchange names, his name is matthew. 21. hahaha. i get the bus and it goes down the road... there he is getting on the bus. so he smiles and sits behind me and he another girl and i all start talking andhe is telling me about his job and he helps me find the next bus that i need to take. once he did he said it was nice to meet me and left. interesting... very nice guy. even people driving by do some wierd stuff. this guy said, "you are so beautiful." what a crock. my main deal is how im going to get home everyday from work since i get off at 10-10:30 at night. geez... i wish conrad was here so that these people would leave me alone. he is coming to visit the first week of august. thats fine since lindee will be out of town and im still lliving with her. then i plan to go there, NJ, to visit him... and if i like it there then im going to consider moving there and getting the fuck out of here. i have yet to write my mom. some guy said "is 30 too old for you?" hahahaha. yes it is. NOTE: Jose owes me 30 bucks. thats enough for now. i have to get ready to catch the bus to work... and i start at 4. its only 12:30. i have to give myself time to get there... since i need to catch 4 buses. sheesh.

oh my mom knows that i went home to get my letter from conrad... she told me that i should just give her the key back. but minutes later telling me that i always have a home with her. wtf?? yesterday at work when i was crying i called lindee and left her messages about it. later tammy, her mom, comes to my work to see if im alright. we talked a little bit and then i have to go and take an order at the drive thru window. the car comes up. it was the same guy that i saw yesterday who was eyeing me and grabbing my hand as he took his drink... smooth. damn he is so hot though. anyway, yesterday he had his friend with him. his friend was leaning over and looking at tammy. if you know tammy then you would understand why. so i kindly moved out of the way to get their food. tammy is like "tell him im a lesbian." so i did. "oh well thats fine with me. it doesnt bother me." i started laughing. but the guy that came yesterday was looking at me. so i hand the drink over and he did it again. then the food. and i kindly said "have a good day come again soon." he is like "Oh i will." like if he was planning to anyway. it was funny. so tammy left and raul calls and leaves me a message telling me that he heard what happened and wanted to see if i was okay. wow, so many people know and i havent even left work yet. good to know that someone cares.

saturday jose asked me if i had plans and if i wanted to hang out. my friend didnt get off work until 12 and i got off at 10... so i'd end up taking the bus to her work pretty late at night. so i went with him and a few of his friends back to his place. what i remember: i had four beers. and i tried speed. i know how fucked up i was that night... because i felt it the next day as well. i also remember raul telling me that he liked me and that i was beautiful and the only one that doesnt see it is me. which is true... im sure i could have more self confidence but i dont. never really did. it was about 2:30 when i got back to my friends house. she was asleep so i tapped on the window. still on the phone with raul. he wouldnt let me off the phone until i was in the house and safe. thats nice of him. i remmember going to the bathroom behind a car. thats gross but i really had to go. hahaha. i dont think i will ever do that again. but when i did it i wasnt complaining... i was having a good time. i was trippin' out. i never felt that way before. i didnt sleep all night. instead i wrote a lot of things down.. to get them out of my head. it was conrad's birthday. we talked a lot that day. it was great. yesterday i worked for the fourth... it was slow and boring. i felt like shit. i wanted to puke. my mom came to the drive thru i took the order but i ran in the back before she drove up and told maria to take the order. i didnt want to see her or talk to her. after she left she called my phone and left me messages that were so long. in one message she was pissed off at me and telling me to call my grandparents because they cry and cry when my name comes up. that makes me feel better. yes, i know i should talk to my mom but in all honesty im scared to. i dont want to go back home and im not ready to do anything. i want to clear my mind from this all for awhile. but that doesnt happen because she keeps calling me. then she calls again and says that she knows that im pregnant and lied about taking the test because i was mad at her. i took the damn test, twice. im not pregnant. and she is saying that she has no idea why im mad at her or anything. UH... did you forget? for the past year we have fought. did you forget that you told me several times to pack and when i did you change your mind? she tells me that she was never mad AT conrad just for the stuff he does. bull shit. she doesnt like him and now she is going to deny that? "amber i just want to let you know that i love you as much as you hate me. and that is a lot." i never said that i hated you. i called my aunt and told her about it... telling her not to tell my mom i called... she did anyway and my mom was mad about that too. my aunt told me that one of my "friends" called her and told her that it was a possibility that i was pregnant. fuck that. i bet i know who it was too. then she tells me that i called her a wacko psycho woman who is in therapy because of me. i never fucking said that. she told me it was Marissa's mom that told her that. and her marissa and louisa have fucking just screwed things up. i never said any of that. fucking bitch. later she calls again telling me that our old neighbor is in the hopital and that i should go see her. guilt. anyway, back to her talking about conrad... saying that ever since i met him i have been a liar and done a lot of bad stuff. well if you didnt hate him i wouldnt have gone out of my way to see him the way i did. now you deny hating him or disliking him? oh NOW you support me and my decision to be with him? why because im not home??? fuck that. i was really going to call her before all of this. i was going to apologize... but right now i am so pissed off. the next call... she goes on and on about a lot of different things not having any clue whats going on... or supposedly. she'll tell others her story then they will believe that and be mad at me. that is why i havent called my family. because they are going to hear from her and make their own judgement... based on her. thats it. im going to write her a letter. i think after crying at work... they let me leave early it was slow... and i missed the fireworks anyway. except a few illegal ones at jordans house. the whole neighborhood was out there shooting them off. they have the streets blocked off. and jordan, being a little drunk, introduces me to his single friends. i still have a boyfriend.. remember? some of them were cute though. but there was this one wierdo who wouldnt leave me alone. i was kind of creeped out. i did talk to this one guy... his name is ryan. we are going to hang out today and he is going to take me to work. no, its nothing. i have a boyfriend. who by which, is coming to visit me soon. =) life sucks. later

about two weeks ago there was another huge fight between my mom and i. it was thursday. i called feruzi and he rushed over to pick me up. i didnt want to be home. so much bad stuff was said. that night i went home... not a word to my mom. the next morning i packed my stuff and lindee picked me up. ive been staying there the whole time. i have yet to talk to my mom. i feel that my life is so screwed up right now... ive been unhappy for a long time, with little perks of happiness coming up. i mean, my whole senior year sucked.. i spent a lot of it crying because of my mom or conrad or other stuff. during this time, conrad and i almost broke up. he lied to me but then i stayed out too late for him to handle and he didnt trust me. he "didnt care if we ever talked again." we hung up a lot of time and called back a lot of times. "i didnt do anything wrong but stay out late with my friend, at least when you lie to me or hurt me i give you another chance, and you arent giving me any. so think about that." the next morning, 2:30, he called me and said that he wanted to take a break and just not talk at all. even though i have thought a lot about taking a break, i wasnt up for that. it hurt so bad to hear that. then he tried to get off the phone. i was crying. i didnt want a break, i just wanted him. i wanted to be with him and at that point i was 100% sure of it. then he decided not to but said that he was starting off the day with me to be day one of our relationship. fuck that... we have been through way too much to just forget about it and start over new. things were wierd talking to him after that, it was different. i still dont fully and completely trust him for the fact that he like to drink and i dont want him too. when he drinks he is mean. i gave him one last chance to not lie to me and break that promise... to not hurt me. i said he can drink a little when we are together but if im not there then to not do it. and as soon as we have kids he cant drink anymore. as for my mom. i dont know what to tell her. she use to call me but i never answered. she wrote me a six page letter, typed. i think i will write her back. eventually. i might go with conrad at the end of the month to see his family. for 3 weeks...i think. well i have to get ready to go to work... the bus is a bitch.

i remember at one point i used a journal/diary for my thoughts and feelings... not just everyday events that i will soon forget. i feel that if i ponder on each thought, as i use to, i will go insane. i will break down. I know this because its happened before. last summer was hell, especially when i was alone, sitting by myself and thinking about each fear that i had. i was unhappy, and i didnt try to stop myself from being that way. but lately i feel as if i am not thinking enough about anything. i know its because i dont want to face anything that im going through. i just want to be numb to it all and if i keep that up, i will be feelingless and cold. that will eventually come back at me in the end. and i know that it wont be easy. i cant pretend that whats going on is easy, or some happy ride like "its a small world" at disneyland. Ah, if only everything were that simple. heh.. their not. i know first hand. i use to fear that i'd lose you. but maybe, now, i am the one who is letting go. maybe i really did care what people thought. then again, i dont think so. i graduated. what am i going to do with my life? where will i go? with who? whats going to happen? I mean, i havent thought about anything that i should be... not a care. where will i go from? i could be bringing another life into this world.. and i haven't shown any feelings about it. not fear or happiness... nothing. I am just so numb. Because when shit hits the fan as fast as it did for me a month ago... then that is when i shut down everything. Perhaps that is why i need an "exorcist"... she said. you want to clear your head, its not as good as it sounds... its empty. Im shut down. My feelings are nothing right now. I know what youre going through but i dont know how to help you. I dont know what to tell you... Dont shut down. --now i must go and ponder on what i dont feel so that i will feel that again... at least to be human again. to be "alive." i need to come to some type of realization of my life. and all the things in it. . . . - --- - . - --- - . I think that is why i use to love to write... i could do it all day.. about anything. that is why i wanted to be a poet or a song writer. now i can barely do that. I have trust issues... i dont trust many people.. maybe i can count them on my hand... i barely trust the ones that i love.

yeah, i am getting a little fat. but i know that its from all that junk food. at least i hope so. hahahaha. i dont feel any different, or sick, or any different. I still haven't gotten my period. That worries me a bit. Im about 2 weeks late. My mom is still making remarks about my weight or whether or not im planning to leave. Shit, right now i dont know what i want. I know that i definitely am not ready for kids. I can handle them and take care of them but I dont want them yet. I babysat 5 of my cousins from the ages of 1-12. I didnt sleep that night. Conrad and I have been getting into arguements. I think he actually wishes i were pregnant. He was excited. but whatever. i havent talked to him too much lately. because im sick of the fighting or im too busy. i was considering taking a break.. but i dont know. jose was going to come over on thursday (?) to hang out. but never showed. at least he finally called to tell me that. ass. maria told me what marcos and norma were saying about me working with them. "oh i really like her and she is a great girl but i think that she is not working hard enough or she still doesnt know what to do." thank god maria stood up for me. she was telling them that i was still new and that NORMA, who was suppose to help me out, didnt. she doesnt tell me where things go or how the whole thing is suppose to operate. so i learned from maria. last night was a little wierd.. crazy... something. shouldnt be alone..- - .. together...... I saw randy for the first time in months yesterday. wow....

finally got my computer to work. P.O.S. i walked down to Roberto's and picked me up some food. Damn, I think i am gaining weight from eating fast food and shit. maybe im pregnant. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. "youre getting a little fat." my mom tells me. gee thanks. she thinks im pregnant. I know im not. she buys me a test to take. I really am not pregnant. so back off. I know my body better than anyone else. shit, if i were though conrad would be here a lot quicker. and longer than just a fucking visit. i know that for sure. since he is the father of my child... that i am not having. hahahahahahaha I got home from work about an hour ago. Marisol wants to take me to a club and go dancing. Its fine with me. I saw some girls come in to my work today, shit, they make white girls look so bad. naw, they make blondes look bad. thanks girls! hee hee. :/ late- QUESTION: what is the code to put pictures in an entry... its all different now for me. i havent done it in awhile. thanks.

SEVENDUST Damaged- (self hurt) Didn't you hurt yourself Couldn't you wash the blood away Didn't you love yourself Couldn't you see the truth Didn't you wake to see the light Couldn't you hear the truth (GOD YOU'RE SO SHAMELESS) Stand up to me I know what you'll say (GOD YOU'RE SO SHAMELESS) Why don't you wake up and stop all the pain How could you really know as your blood flows The damage left inside If you should ever see the pain in me You'd wish it away Didn't you hurt yourself Didn't you love yourself Couldn't you find yourself Such a shame it's a waste of a life Couldn't you save yourself How could you really know Black- (racism) Voices call, they call out my name They say I'm different well I'm not the same You say you want to be like me Well boy let me tell you, you didn't know what I've seen. They say the devil lives in my soul I promise not to let him take control I'm minding my own business. I ain't doing nothing wrong Shadows follow So close behind m I look in the mirror I don't like what I see. Oh God, Can't you help me get out of her I feel like I'm living deep in hell. I'm minding my own business I ain't doing nothing wrong My Ruin- (death) Inside my shadow I can hear you am I near you Inside my shadow I can smell you can I tell you Inside my shadow I can love you think I need you Inside my shadow I can feel you I've erased you Am I real Am I real Save my ruin In just my world has turn to rust If theres tomorrow would you give me please forgive me If theres tomorrow you'd be buried and that just scares me Am I real Save my ruin In just my world has turned to rust Licking Cream- Corrupt my hope In joyous hell Between the lines Lick the cream that smells I wish you weren't so beautiful in my eyes (crawling down your spine to make you stay) I wish you weren't so beautiful in my eyes (covering your eyes to make you pay) Beyond the high Lies burning eyes Crashed down to soil Fucked up and coiled I wish you weren't so beautiful in my eyes (crawling down your spine to make you stay) I wish you weren't so beautiful in my eyes (covering your eyes to make you pay) Too beautiful You want to feel it But you can't reveal that Conceived the meaning And caress the demon All those callous eyes How they infect you world So you pretend to reason But you've lost your soul I wish you weren't so beautiful in my eyes (crawling down your spine to make you stay) I wish you weren't so beautiful in my eyes (covering your eyes to make you pay) You shouldn't be so beautiful in my eyes (crawling down your spine to make you stay) I wish you weren't so beautiful in my eyes (covering your eyes to make you pay) Too beautiful

Today was the last day of school. If there was no Senior Check-Out then I would have been at home sleeping. As soon as I got to school I saw a big line of seniors outside the cafeteria. I saw Bravo and talked to him briefly. As I did, Randy popped a book over my head and Nico said hi to me. I walked down the line to say hi to Ernie and then I saw Amber and this other girl I know. Zack Boka was next to me so after I talked to Ernie I spent a great deal of my time talking to Zack about his family, my family, and the two of them to get together and visit. I went to my Ceramics class for the last time. I talked to Stephanie who gave me a gift, which I didn't expect at all. We spent the period just talking. Break: I spent my 20 minutes with Jake. That kid is so awesome. I figure, if I still plan to go to Brooks... I'll be chillin' with him in CA. He gave me so many hugs. Time for me to check out. I was nervous that my councellor would say that I wasnt going to graduate because I failed a semester of one of my electives. But I had all my credits and I was fine. This guy said I could go home and I did. I was home by 10 this morning. I sat at the school before my ride came... I thought about a lot of things that went on there and realized I would never be back. I would never be in High School again. It was over, all of it. I went to Senora Vargas and said goodbye to hear and thanked her for being a good teacher to me. Getting home I called Fito to say hey and that I was finished with school. There is now a lot of confusion about who gets a ticket to graduation. Everyone and their mother wants to go. So my mom doesn't know how to say no to anybody... There went another one of MY tickets. Damn. Now I only have three for my friends. And I asked people to go. WTF?! Oh well. I'll figure it out. I think after graduation I'm going to go to a party... Ima ask Jose to go... if he wants. Then have a huge dinner with my family and friends... ON MONDAY.

first things first. i hate it when people say they are going to call me and then never fucking do it. no brittany, im not talking about you if you happen to read this. okay, so after 2 weeks fito calls me... surprising to me. and if nobody remembers or ever heard of who im talking about then it was probably a private entry. ANYWAY... he called sunday and told me to call him when i got home from work. i did. his phone didnt work. thats fine. then i call the next day and he is like "i'll call you back in a little bit.." never did. I called yesterday "ill call you back later." DUDE, if you fucking dont want to talk to me then just tell me... i dont care. but i thought we were friends. so he never called me back and i am not calling him. the same kind of goes for jose. but i understand his girl situation so it doesnt bother me. what bothers me is that he is kind of like two different people. the jose at work... and the jose outside of work who is just chillin'. things are getting situated... on who i am inviting to my graduation. olga can't go. she really wanted to but she is going out of town. so i have to call up luis and roxy to see their plans. but i think luis forgot already... im finished with all my finals. my guitar teacher, who was probably irritated with me, gave me a hug goodbye. IM OUT OF THERE. tomorrow is senior check out... pick up my cap and gown and my graduation tickets.. then im outta there.

so i just got off the phone with my cousin ron... who thinks he is my uncle. and we barely ever see each other but when we do we hang out and get a long great. but he is telling me how proud he is of me, wonder why since nobody else is.. oh wait he didnt hear what i did. then he is like i really want to go to your graduation and i am so proud of you, you are my favorite... he wants to help me with drivers ed and then help me find a car. he is willing to help pay for it. then i beat around the bush by letting him know things were kind of hard and stressful... but i played it off. then i joked and said that i hoped that i really was graduating. but he really wants to be there. "yeah i will be the naked guy running down the aisles." hahaha. i'd like to get to know him more and really just talk to him. thats what i want. i said that we should have hung out more. then i told him to stop by my work sometime. mike said he would but never did. too bad... im only going to be in his fucking wedding... and i barely hang out with him either. anyway... moving on and forward...

So i have had four song stuck in my head... its like they all blend in together and make one song. Lets see I have: zombie from the cranberries, black from sevendust, ave maria, and mamma mia... from abba. i hear people around me singing them, then i get them. what a wierd mix of song eh? ---------- - - - -- VegasJunkyardDawg1 says: hey babe... what you up to? --- - - - ---- - - - Well i went into work last night; jose wasnt working. it was still kinda fun because everyone is so cool there. jackie quit... which sucks because she was freakin cool. and nice. she offered to hang out if shit gets bad at home. i should have taken her offer. i work again today. should be very interesting... - - - - - ----- - - - - i havent talked to conrad for a few days. im going to keep my mom's rule until school is over.. which would be next FRIDAY that i GRADUATE. thats right... i made it... i think anyway. today i took my spanish final which was 8 pages... and i didnt study for any of it. luckily he was cool and is like "this is what the principal thinks you are taking... but this is what you really are taking." and holds up these song lyrics and we just had to fill in the blank.. they were spanish songs and he played them... then we went over the answers afterwards. then we had to turn in our books. i still need a few people to sign my yearbook. not too many. i was hanging out with john and some people for 8th period.. we didnt do anything because we already had the final for that class. - -- . .. . . - -.- . - i have a four day weekend... and a few things to do this weekend. well im done for now. later

Zombie- Cranberries Another head hangs lowly Child is slowly taken And the violence caused such silence Who are we mistaken But you see it's not me, It's not my family In your head, in your head they are fighting With their tanks and their bombs And their bombs and their guns In your head, in your head they are cryin' In your head, in your head Zombie Zombie Zombie What's in your head, in your head Zombie Zombie Zombie Another mother's breakin' Heart is taking over When the violence causes silence We must be mistaken It's the same old deed since 1916 In your head, In your head they're still fightin' With their tanks and their bombs And their bombs and their guns In your head,In your head they are dyin' In your head, in your head Zombie Zombie Zombie What's in your head, in your head Zombie Zombie Zombie....