I just got home from the Element where Jason talked about the depression. I think this is the first time in my life I can safely say that I'm suffering from depression. It sucks. I want badly to act out and do something, but everything I try to do just results in more pain and heartache for me. I need to go to Argentina. Desperately. I'm hoping this trip will change things for the better and make my life a little simpler. Mariana is dating someone now. His name's Kris and he goes to the Element. I don't know him. I'm sure he's a good guy, the troubling part about it the fact that she showed interest in him while we were dating. This situation is freaking filthy. I want to be with her, but I don't. I love her, but I can't. It freaking sucks and I'm debating whether or not to talk to my parents about possibly seeking help in the form of therapy or something. I had so much riding on her... I didn't that God blessing me with her was going to blow up in my face. I genuinely believed I was supposed to be with her for the rest of my life. I want to be with her. I don't know. My advice from people so far has been mostly to forget about her and to move on and just deal with it... this approach isn't exactly working. I'm just missing her more and hating her for what she did. I was really close to putting the photos she gave me on her car for her to keep tonight. I don't know what made me stop. "I Adore You." They spelled it out in three photos of her. "...and the greatest of these is love." She tacked that one along like she knew what love was. I want her to know what love is. Hell, I want to know what love is. That's a freaking 80's song title. I never thought I'd be the same place as some 80's new wave singer/songwriter. I miss her. I miss being able to talk to her without having a simultaneous sinking, painful feeling in my chest. It freaking drops every time I think about her, or him. God. What the hell? Honestly. Why is this freaking situation like this? I don't know and I really want to. If I'm on the other side of the curtain, freaking pull the string and let me know why I have to feel like this all the time. I think I've found closure, I think I'm better, and then she's dating some guy right in front of my face. I go to the Element and learn about depression only to leaving feeling more depressed and worthless than ever. I see her with her new hair, her new clothes and her new shoes just dressed to impress. Him. Not me. She doesn't give a damn, or at least that's how she makes it seem. She's so easily moving on, I don't know if she'll ever know the damage she's doing from how she acts and from what she's doing. God, freaking make my thoughts right and let's nip this in the butt once and for all. I need to get over this so I can do stuff for you. I need to have closure, or get back together with her or something. I freaking need it now. Please, where have you been in this? I can't see but for a few seconds when I'm singing passionately, don't leave me like she did. Don't abandon me and make all of my work be in vain. Please make me a man of God. I need forgivness, I need a second chance, I need a way to get past this. Please help me, God. Please.

It’s the last week of my freshman year of college. I’m at a pretty good spot right now. Pretty comfortable. I’ve been trying to write songs lately, like I always do, with minimal amounts of real song-writing actually taking place. I’ve had this expectation since I started playing guitar that I would just write incredible music and everyone would want to hear it. That’s not true. The idea of me being a song-writing prodigy is a notion that I’m slowly and hesitantly letting go of. Speaking of one such notion, I talked to Mariana last week. I established a bit of a compromise with her. We decided not to talk until I get back from Argentina (apparently she backed out). I had been in a much better place since that conversation last Wednesday night until tonight. I have her password for her Myspace account. It’s deceptive, I know, and I don’t get anything out of it but pain every time, but I convince myself it’ll change something every time I log on, but it doesn’t. She hadn’t really gone on that frequently, until tonight. I read a message she wrote to her ex-boyfriend James that read something like, “Hey, can we be friends? I need someone to talk to because my life is too hard right now, and I keep telling myself to call you.” This changes things a bit. She knows, better than anyone else, how to make me feel useless. I don’t want to her to talk to a boyfriend she said was, “psychotic, abusive and violent.” Why the hell does she want him so bad? How the hell did she date him for 8 months before breaking up with him, and just 6 months with me? I wonder if she’s statistical like that. I’m excited, but anxious to see how this plays out. I told her how I felt, and I still don’t really know how she feels about me. I want us to get back together. I want to be with her. I still just don’t know. I need to keep distance like I had for the last week though. I got a lot of thought out the way when we were like that. I’ve got finals the next 3 days. Should be good. Not. I want to get stronger in this regardless the result. I hope to trust God regardless. Note: Kevin Yule saved your life this last week. He was there for you like never before. Sleep.

I’m at my parents place again and I can’t fall asleep. My heart hurts too badly. Honestly, I need to come clean with Mariana and tell her where I’m at. I need her. At least I think I do, and I think the month of being without her has been one of the most miserable I’ve ever experienced. There two distinctive emotions at play in me right now. Love, how I feel for her and care for her. And hate, for what she did to me and how she made and is making me feel right now. My heart still hurts like hell and I don’t know how to stop it. I’ve tried praying about it and I’ve tried just not caring, but she means too much to me. C.J. said I was an idiot for over-committing, but I don’t agree. I want her back and I want her to live up to what she said about me. About loving me. About needing me and wanting me and trusting me. By breaking up with me she just re-affirmed and intensified several insecurities I had. I won’t be able to handle her with another guy. I think that will hurt too much. This break up has made me think some pretty ridiculous thoughts and I want them to stop and I want things to go back to the way they were. I want a redemptive, loving relationship with this woman and I want to give myself wholly to her. I don’t care what anybody thinks, that’s what I want. Part of me wants to leave Highlands and go to Biola next year and forget about her and Arizona and everything, but part of me just wants to say I’m sorry and get back with her. From our last conversation, I don’t think she’ll be having that. She told me that she wasn’t getting back with me and that the things I said needed to be said in our relationship and not after it. She told me not to say “I love you.” I did. She told me not to do things, but I did. I want her back so bad it freaking hurts my chest just thinking about it. Still, it does. A month and half after the fact it still does. I didn’t know what heart-break was until she did this. I didn’t know what betrayal looked like until she did this. I don’t care. I want her back. I want to be truly forgiven for the things I did wrong in our relationship and I want to truly forgive her for this. It’s f***ed up and I hate it. I can’t talk to her without getting mad, I can’t look at her Myspace without getting sick and I can’t go to church without feeling tremendous stress and pain every moment I’m there. This sucks. This sucks worse than anything I’ve dealt with in my life. I can’t go to C.J. because his advice is terribly biased and controlling and I can’t really go to anyone else. I’ve tried praying about it and I’ve tried ignoring it, but it’s not going away. I don’t want to fight anymore, and I don’t want to be fought anymore. I want redemption so damn bad it’s not even funny. I need her. I really f***ing do. I hate how she parades this in front of my face and makes me feel small. She talks to all these guys and flirts with them so openly in messages online that I just can’t deal with that kind of rejection. She talks to her ex-boyfriends and rants about the good-old-days… I’m assuming before she met or had to deal with me. I feel worthless. I feel small. I feel neglected and I feel like there’s nothing I can do. I hate discipleship right now. I hate church right now. I hate C.J. right now. I honestly hate this worse than anything I’ve dealt with. I wish there was a formula of how I could act to get her back and steps I could take to show her how good of a man I am and how much I care for her. I didn’t do that enough in our relationship and neither did she. I want to try again. This sucks.

I've been playing a lot of M. Ward on guitar lately. He's got some cool alternate tunings that he plays that sound fantastic. That's why I wrote the last entry like I did as well. Those are some of his lyrics. He's probably my favorite singer/ songwriter. I'm not afraid to give him that title, he's that good. "What do you do with the pieces of a broken heart? And how can a man like me remain in the light?" How the hell can a man communicate so much and pierce right through everything with words in a song? I don't get it, but I want to. It's crazy that I can listen to guys like him and John Mayer and Derek Webb and just connect in a millisecond to what they're saying. The emotion is crystal clear instantaneously. I can't exactly fathom what it takes to be able to do that, but I hope to be able to do something like it someday. "Everything I've loved I have forgotten. Everything I've forgotten looks just like me." It's freaking brilliant. "With my eyes on the prize and my mind on you, I put my pride on the line and my whole life too." I feel like that right now. I'm living a state of temporary celibacy and genuine depravity and it feels like there's so much on the line especially with this situation I'm in with Mariana. It's been a month since she broke up with me and I've even talked to her. I want her... badly. I want to commit to her and fall in love with her and suffer the consequences and make mistakes and deal with them and hold absolutely nothing back. Restraint was always my biggest flaw. I don't want to hold back ANYTHING. That's the most ridiculous aspect of christian dating to me. The restraint of it. You can't get to know someone THAT well. You can't tell them THAT much. You can't get THAT close to them. It's ridiculous. I can't help but still experience that closeness I had with Mariana. She's pretending it never happened though, and it kills me. I think about her constantly and all the times we spent together. All of those 4-hour phone conversations were apparently in vain. I want her back. I've said it before, I'll probably say it again. I want her back. I need to give the situation to God too though, as I've been told 1000 times. There's a delicate balance there too though, I'm not going to do nothing. I'm not supposed to just stagnate and do nothing about this whole situation if Mariana is the person I'm supposed to be with. I can't let her just run away like this if we're meant to be. I just want another chance to right my wrongs. "You're like a rollercoaster, you give me heavy, metal dreams. You're like a rollercoaster, you could make a dead man scream."

She's got one magic trick. Just one and that's it. She disappears. My heart hurts like hell right now... like it has for the last month with varying amounts of intensity. I miss Mariana. I was thinking I didn't care, but I do. I "overcommitted" and I ascribed too much worth to her. I'm sorry? I was dedicated to a relationship with someone whom I care deeply about and who told me she felt the same. That part, however, was a lie. This is a terrible situation to be in. It hurts terribly every time I see her and I can't stand not being able to talk to her. I want to apologize or do something, but I don't have anything to apologize for, aside from making our relationship tough to deal with physically, or maybe not giving her enough encouragement. I never got a second chance. I think that may be one integral theme of this whole relationship... not getting second chances when you need them most. It sucks. Bad. I saw myself marrying this girl. I guess she didn't. One night we were screwing around at my parents house and she told me that she was falling in love with me. I didn't know what to say, so I said nothing. I should've told her I felt the same way. I hate legalistic, churchy restraints that people put on relationships that serve no purpose. I should be allowed to make mistakes and tell someone I love them when I mean that. I would've meant it. I think if I said it now, I'd mean it. I don't know. I want her back, but part of me doesn't. She's hurt me so bad and I can guarantee that she doesn't, and won't know the extent of the damage she's done not only in breaking up with me the way she did, but in how she conducted herself afterwards. Happily. She's acted happier in this month that we haven't been together (at least around me) than she was in any month when we were dating. I hate it. She's communicating so much through her actions that I'm sure she's not aware of. She told me that I'm not worth it, now she's telling me that I was never worth it, and she's better off without me. Talk about ascribing worth. That's what church was about this morning. Worship. Ascribing worth. I couldn't do it. I can't do anything like this. It's just lies. I sang lyrics today that I didn't mean. I hate this. I want her to do something.

There's a funny gap between this entry and the last one. I'm pretty emotional about a lot of things still. Mariana broke up with me about a month ago and I am, to be quite honest, still pissed about it. There was no justification behind it. I had no say in it. I didn't get a second chance. She said I wasn't worth it, and we haven't talked since. I don't think I want to talk to her either. Here is what I want to say to her: "You're an irresponsible, superficial, immature, non-forgiving, selfish, hypocritical brat who deserves nothing and judges on a curve that too steep, even for yourself and I'm sorry I wasted the last six months of my life with you thinking that you were something that you are not." ...that's why I don't want to talk to her. That's where my heart's at. I'm reluctant to admit it, but I don't want to give it God right now. I have to, but I really don't want to. The saddest part about it is how hard my heart has gotten over this whole charade. It's affecting how I interact with people and my ministry and I don't want it to. I cared so much about her, and she said she was falling in love with me, which I didn't respond to, and then she left and told me, "This isn't worth it." That phrase can work wonders on a young man who already has insecurities and doubts. It can tear a heart out, and it did. I was also reluctant to write in here because I don't really know what's going to come out of it... but C.J. told me I need to be writing down stuff, if anything, how I'm feeling about this. "...to become more objective." I hate being objective. She did things wrong. I did things wrong. I forgave her and tried to work with her to improve the place she was at. She gave up, insulted me, oversimplified my situation and patronized my character. She made a clean getaway and left me high and dry with little more than 6 months of nice memories that will serve no purpose in the future, but to remind me of the good times I had with her and how deeply I cared about her. She'll go and find another guy and convice him that she's what he wants and he'll buy her a Range Rover and a home in Arcadia and everything she wants in life and she'll pretend to be happy. She'll control the men in her life just like Tracy taught her to... not to listen to men, but to pretend, all the while keeping the ball in her court and keeping total control of every situation, playing one man at a time for all he's worth until she's done. She'll pretend purity is great priority in her life when she's done more drugs and had sex and been a person that she says she's not... but she is. She still is. She still blames men. She a liar, and she lied to me. I hate the way she made me feel and if I didn't care about her so much, it would hurt me a lot less.

I bought a journal @ Borders yesterday. I'm not sure how I feel about it yet. We'll see. Anyways, Mariana is pretty much everything to me right now. I made this diary private too, so I'm not sure who can read it. I feel better about it now though. I've written a lot of really raw stuff in here and I really don't want everyone to have access to it. There was a point in my life where I was opposed to such things, but that's not how I feel now. Someone left an anonymous comment too. I hate those, because if you're going to write something to someone with the expectation that they will either be hurt enough to listen or pissed off enough to listen, you should at least have the guts to tag a name to it. The thing that pisses me off the most about anonymous comments is just that, they're anonymous, you don't have to own up to them. Anyways. I care so much about Mariana. It's ridiculous. I don't know where things are going to go or what things are going to turn into, I'm just looking forward to them in general. I think Mariana is the first person I've ever really been with who cares about me just as much as I've cared about them and that is one of the best feelings in the world. I just don't want to be away from her. Like ever. She amazes me constantly with her little niceties and flaws and quirks. She never stops with it either. The worst part of those anonymous comments, which I proceeded to delete, were the fact that they suggested that I viewed Mariana as inferior to me. I hope it wasn't her who left them. I don't want to think about it. I need to get some sleep. Especially Saturday nights. I got a new camera too. I'll talk about it later. Goodnight... me.

I broke my right index finger today. It may just be jammed bad, but both of my parents agreed that it looked broken. I was playing one of my 7th grade guys in this really aggressive game where the goal is basically to poke your opponent by any means possible (all the while having your right hand locked and index finger extended). Let's just say I won that round. Painfully. The weird part is, I proceeded to play the entire worship set shortly thereafter. Doing stuff like typing like this and playing guitar don't actually hurt, they're just a bit uncomfortable. I'm typing at about half-pace right now with a finger that is swollen to nearly twice its size. Today was pretty bad. I've had tons of doubts about evertything lately. I don't know why I'm in ministry. I don't know why I try hard and I don't know why things happen like they do. I know God is there. I know what I'm doing in ministry is good. I know people appreciate what I do, but I don't really feel it anymore. It's just seemed like God has been a distant entity to me especially lately. I don't know if it's been the seemingly high number of people in the college small group seamlessly speaking on God's behalf all the time saying, "Well God told me..." and "I feel like God wants...". Those statements don't make any sense to me. I've known about all of this for several years now and I never felt like I could actively, surely say what God wanted at any given point in time. I don't think anyone can. I know what's right and I know what's wrong, I've done a pretty good deal of both, my problem is just seeing practically and being passionate about it like I used to. I don't feel like God is close when everyone around me uses God's will as a justification to do whatever they want. It's terrible. I know bad things happen and God tests people, He's done it to me a few times, the thing I'm having trouble with is just using Him as a means to make oneself feel better in every situation. I guess a flat tire on the 101 is God's will. But where is coincedence in that? Why do I have to try in that? Where do I fit in a plan that God's already made? The bible tells me that God gave me a choice, so far in life I've chosen to love him, and I'm going to keep on doing so, the weird thing for me is distinguishing and knowing that my actions maybe aren't as important as I thought they were. I've been struggling a ton lately with feeling ligitimate and appreciated, I think I've got that enough, at least the appreciation, and I've been trying my best to be a good man and to be ligitimate, but I don't know what to do when I question the very things that move me to be such a good person. I've never asked myself why I try so hard. Maybe I should. I've got Mariana though. Maybe I should've mentioned that. She dropped her dating vow. She's my girlfriend now. Yeah, I'm gay like that. Geez. She's way different than these other girls I've had in my life though, and in the best way possible. She cares about being a woman of God and she cares about junior high kids and she cares about being discipled. These are all things that I've valued for some time now. It's gonna be a very difficult the first few weeks for us though. If you've never been to college small group, you may not fully understand exactly what they are and how they act. They're a support group in many ways, but there are so many facets that go way deeper than in our group, and not in a good way. This group is one of the most gossipy, conniving and impersonal groups I've ever been involved with. This may just due to the fact that everyone is so vulnerable every Sunday night. I don't think most of the guys and girls realize just how much damage they're doing with their words. I can't write much more now, my 6am morning is beginning to catch up with me. Oh, and I just found out my uncle is getting a divorce from my aunt... see how does stuff like that happen after 20 years? I'm gonna try to write more about all of this junk later this week after I finish my big tests at the beginning of this week. Goodnight all.

This is one of the best days ever. No joke. 4 new albums came out today that will completely dominate my music listening for the next few months. I love it. If you'd like verbal confirmation, you can ask Mariana about my state of sheer joy when not only the new Jet, Decemberists, and Beck albums started downloading on iTunes... but the NEW KILLERS ALBUM!!! WHAT THE HECK MAN!!! This is freaking huge. It's days like this that remind me what my passion of music is all about. It's about great, big songs full of topics and music and lyrics that change the world. It's freaking changing right now and I'm part of it... the minute it started and came to life, I was there. I love it. I also talked to Mariana about us tonight. It was such a relief for both of us because we'd been dancing around and for each other (no boxing pun intended) with this topic for weeks. She told me that she had been talking to C.J's wife Renee about it for some time and she had been expressing thoughts of this year-long vow maybe coming to an end soon (for me). How flattering is that? She wanted to drop the whole thing... but she brought it up in a weird way. I knew she was going to. She opened it up for me to say a bunch of stuff and make a bunch of decisions. She said she'd feel just as content if she just dropped it now and started dating. I told her she shouldn't. I told her she's going through with it whether or not either of us likes it. She knew that would be the right answer, she was just hoping that I knew that as well (as hard as that is for me to come to grips with). I want to wait for her now. I don't want to flake out and have that lead to something bad. We've got something really good and pure and I want it to stay that way. She's incredible. And anyways, no one ever REALLY gets away with anything anyways. Who would we be kidding?

I pulled the old "'where are you?' phone call wake up" trick this morning. It's a terrible one for early Sunday mornings where your alarm clock malfunctions. I had a good day today though. It started off so stressful because I was running over 30 minutes late and there was nothing I could do about it. The worst thing about my involvement in ministry is that I can do 10,000 things perfectly only to have 1 action that I didn't do correctly blown up into my face. Love it. Anyways, Junior High is definitely rockin'. The 7th grade guys core group (i.e, my guys) had an all-nighter at the church Friday it was a freaking blast. I took this kid Kevin out in the turbo go cart that we aren't allowed to let junior high or high school students drive (it's a freaking 70mph beast). So I hit a turn going about 40 and I freaking flipped it! How fantastic is that, we were joking about it earlier in the night too. Luckily we didn't even get any scratches from it. Thank God for roll cages. We proceeded to give these young men their first TP'ing experience. 96 rolls, that's all I'm saying. It's weird to have guys look up to me like I look up to guys like C.J and Sean. It's starting to feel like a really natural thing for me, especially leading worship for these kids. The band is just a complete blessing for me musically and mentally, they just make things 100 times easier for me. Okay. I'm going to bed. A few other things. Mariana is great. It's hard to keep the balance right for her though because it would be so easy for me just to accomodate for her wants and needs, which she would like, but I know she can't have that happen with this vow crap. This guy Ian and I were talking about this garbage the other day. He's going through a similar situation... apparently the dating vow is a recurring theme for the women of the Element and College Small Group. It's almost stupid how alike some of them are. That's one thing I'm trying to get out of Mariana. If she's not careful, she'll end up just like these girls, and that's not what she is. She's completely different and unique and incredible and she knows that. One thing that's great about her calling me so often and getting to know me so well is that I'm actually starting to learn things about her before the other girls in the small group hear about it (which is the a complete first (usually I know NOTHING)). But it's hard for me to keep her at bay too because she wants to go see movies and go get dinner and stuff and just be near me, but she knows she can't date... which makes it my freaking responsibilty to remind her of that fact (which sucks). This concept of close distance is one that I'm having trouble coming to grips with. On a much less socially-important note. I'm really excited because not only does the new Killers album come out in 2 days, but the new Decemberists album as well. This is going to be a freaking new music overload. Speaking of overloads, I've got a mullet now. Not really... just the back has grown to a pretty fluffy length. I was really close to cutting it the other day because I had had like 10 bad hair days in a row and then I took a trip over to the greatest clothing establishment on the face of planet Earth (i.e, American Apparel) and was granted a fashion/ hair-taming gift from God. The sweatband. It's a new era folks. A new freaking era. Goodnight everyone.

My hair is freaking out of control. I've never had it this long and it's nearing hippy status. Not really. Anyways, I had a very interesting day today. Today was Sunday. Here's how my Sundays go: Wake up @ 6:30, pick up Luke, set up band junk before 1st service, 1st service, J-High service, core groups, J-High staff meeting @ Kevin's house, college small group @ C.J. & Renee's house, hang out with college small group guys until the wee hours of the morning. Granted, today was a bit different. I felt horrible after we played during 2nd service. I came in with this attitude that I was just like a veteran at this and that I was like completely ready regardless of what went down and I was totally humbled, yet again. I like how C.J. put it, "Guys like us always feel like God is lucky to have us... we're wrong." It's never fun to have things not go your way in front of everyone. I feel like my gifts are definitely being put to good use at Highlands, but I'm so vulnerable there all the time. That's one thing that sucks about where I'm at right now. I have such an influence in these kids' lives, but I still don't have my act as together as it should be. I'll get better. I keep saying that. After our staff meeting, I had a photography gig for another band. It was lame though, all of these guys who know me through church stuff feel comfortable not paying me for what I'm doing for them. I always assumed it was common courtesy for something like that. I guess it'll be my donation to their cause. Whatever. Anyways, I got back to Manzy around 7 and took a nap (yeah, a nap) until 10, I've been studying for my CIS test, it seems simple, but I know it'll probably be one of THOSE tests. You know what I mean. Mariana's fantastic. It's tough though. She calls everyday and we talk for literally hours (I'm thinking my parents are going to be suprised @ my phone bill this month) but I just can't be with her like either of us would like for at least a few months. It's sad, but I want her to follow through with the commitments that shes made. I have so much work to do in the next three days, you would not believe. I have about 4 hours of English work to do tomorrow in a 3 hour span of time. It's fun. Goodnight children.

I NEED to start writing in here more. I've had so much writing to do for my classes that I'm oftentimes too worn out to actually write about what I'm thinking at that point in time and I'm starting to regret that greatly. So much has happened since I wrote in here last. Ah... geez. Okay. Let me just write all of this down. Mariana. She means a lot to me. There are complications though. As always I guess. She neglected to tell me until recently that she had gone under what's called a "dating vow" back in December of last year (I think) and she's not supposed to date anyone until December of this year. It's a very strange situation for me especially. She likes me. I like her. We can't be together. At least for a while anyways. That's what's so strange though, we are still together a lot and I still hang out with her a lot (like tonight @ In 'N Out), it's just different between us than it would have been. I respect her so much though. She is so honest and compassionate about everything she goes through, for me, I don't mind waiting for her. I'd wait longer if I had to, I care about her that much. It was kinda reassuring how she presented her whole dilemma to me as well, she was like, "I feel so weird telling you this now because I should've told you like so much earlier, but I can't really date you right now because I took this vow not to date last year and I sorta feel like that's what we have been doing for the past few months, I just didn't want us to get so serious as to be considered as a couple. I did this because I need to really get my life right spiritually." She said more than that and we've talked about it a little bit since, but I can tell that it's just as weird for her too because she wants to be with me so it's just gonna be a matter of time for us I guess. I'm cool with waiting, I get to see her all the time anyways. Okay. School. It's cool. I like my classes, but I feel like the tests that I've taken have been the worsts test I've ever participated in performace-wise. I had an Ethics test yesterday and it was on NOTHING that we had even slightly mentioned in any of the weekly 3-hour-long class sessions and on NOTHING that I had studied. Maybe it's just because I'm new to college, but I feel like taking tests on the stuff that's actually relevant to what the teacher is making a point to teaching you is pretty pivotal for the entire educational process. I guess it's more fun for my Ethics (and for that matter, History) professor to test on obscure book references rather than actually offering useful insight. I feel like I'm actually giving it my best effort in most of these classes as well. My English class is a bit dry and we NEVER turn any assignments in, but I feel like I'm working hard for all of these classes, hopefully my work won't go unrewarded (like it has in Ethics). Another thing I'm picking up in college (maybe I mentioned this in my last post) is that people will be jerks just because they can be. Their logic is somewhere along the lines of, "Hey, I don't have to be polite, sober or even a half-decent individual? Cool!" And they take that logic to complete fruition. They chain-smoke, binge-drink and nearly overdose on drugs just because they can. There's no reason for any of that. I've mentioned it before and chances are I'll probably mention it again. I guess if it makes insecure people feel better about themselves, it serves some purpose, but it's still pitiful nonetheless. That's another thing, people here are so desperate and so broken, they just feel like they have to do whatever they can to keep people out and to "act natural". It's so sad too. That reminds me of how I've been feeling lately too. I've been struggling so much with just being ligitmate. I feel like everything that I do is just so watered down and not worth anything. I want to amount to huge things for God's will and for people, but I don't feel like what I have to offer is good enough. I'm gonna still give what I've got, but I keep thinking about how much more I could be giving. I don't feel ligitimate, that's all it comes down to. I feel like my guitar playing, my relationships, and my photography are just completely sub-standard and pathetic. I don't really know what I can do about it either. I do know this though. No classes tomorrow. Sleeping all day. Goodnight kids.

Figured I'd take a break from required writing to do a little recreational writing. College is good. I'm having fun. My classes are good with the usual weird exceptions (nothing too huge though). I'm getting paid a lot more for my photography which is pretty weird, especially this early on in my picture-taking. It's cool though because I'm actually getting to the point where I can see professional photos in magazines and on billboards and stuff and actually view those images as feasible accomplishments and that I might be capable of not only taking an image of that capacity, but editing one like that. I got about $1000 worth of pro photography software from my aunt last week, so stuff like that isn't terribly inconceivable anymore. Let me talk about Mariana for a second. I like her lots. I think she likes me too. Which is good. She's one of the people that I've cared about the most for the last few months and it's cool because I know she's at the exact same place I am in life. She's starting college, she's a J-High staffer, she's incredibly passionate. I wish I was as strong-willed as she is though. She's been through way more in life than me and she's a few months younger than me. She's got some serious stuff that she's dealing with right now with her family and I can safely say that I want to be there with her when she goes through all of this. I look up to her so much. She calls everyday too. Okay. So I've been good lately too, but I guess I just thought that college would be less personal than it is. I know an okay amount of people here, but I feel an incredible separation from them solely due to the fact that I: 1. Don't drink. 2. Don't do drugs. And 3. Participate actively in a church. I feel like most of the people that I've met here who are freshmen as well feel like they have the freedom to be as bad of an individual as possible just because they can. They're no reason to be a bad person, it's just not nice. It's strange too because 80% of the new freshmen here walk around with an angry defensive scowl on their face. I don't know if it's just a defense mechanism or just a means of blending in, it's weird to see though. You can't walk around here at night without getting an incredibly crude comment (or a few comments) tossed at you from someone who would otherwise have been a good friend of yours or a kind acquaintance. It's the same in college as it is in high school only exaggerated. Guys who are nice but have low self esteem are jerks when they group together and girls who are nice but have low self esteem wear inappropriate clothing and drink too much alcohol to try and impress those guys who are just as broken and just as in need as they are. I've gotten some weird stuff out of college small group and the Element the past few weeks, one of which (which I mentioned a few entries ago) is a warning that I might fail and I might fall away. The other is that I'm here in Manzanita for a reason and even if I don't get the most out of my time here for myself, someone will be changed because I'm here. Both of those situations people have mentioned to me have freaked me out. It's not that I don't think I can lead people by example, I just don't know how. Especially with people in this situation. It'll be weird for me. I'm going to try and keep on writing about this so my writing doesn't become too research-oriented or psychology-centered... I know how much my professors would love that... I wouldn't though. Okay. Goodnight.

Today was glorious. It's was Sunday today... lazy like most. Anyways, I drove to Scottsdale and arrived @ my church around 7:45, I proceeded to recline the seat of my car and next thing I knew, it was 8:45. My car is naptabulous. Anyways, I'm living in Tempe now in the "dirty" dorm @ ASU (Manzanita). My room seceeds it's reputation of filth though. My room, my floor and my view are all fantastic. I like it here, granted it is a place filled with lots of things that aren't exactly agreeable or even decent, but I like it here nonetheless. I had a solid day of church/ staff related stuff starting @ 9am and ending @ 9pm. It was kinda scary hearing from some of the people I look up to the most warning me of the reputation of the Freshman, J-High, guy leader. Apparently the J-High pastor has seen 3 guys just like myself come into ministry Freshman year, like myself and end up totally walking away from the faith and denying all things they had ever once held to be true. It's sad, I know, but I don't think that's going to happen to me. I know what college has for me and I don't think that involvement with these people is going to make me a bad person. It's my job to love people to and to be there for them. That doesn't mean I have to go drink with them or hit up some hookah in the courtyard. I don't think God placed me in Manzanita for no reason. I think I can do some serious damage in this place. It's a bad place in many respects and I going to do everything in my power to not let that reputation get to me. I have to be a good example for these people and offer them a way out of this garbage. Fortunately enough for me, I learned early on that life is much more than awkward frat parties and sneaking liquor into my dorm room. I want to be above reproach in that regard. I also went to college small group tonight and I though alot about where I'm at in regards to my guilt and how I feel about other people. We talked about guilt vs. conviction, and I think it's safe to say that I always feel such guilt when it comes to my role in ministry. I constantly feel so inadequate to do God's bidding, which is, in fact a bad thing for me to be thinking in the first place. I have to be consistent and willing at all times. That's gonna be the hardest thing for me, consistency. I love these kids though. They're so passionate about God, it's uplifting. I'm starting to like Mariana more and more too. I'm around her constantly and she's seriously so much more focused, determined, mature (that's not saying much) and intelligent than me. She's going through so much that's it's just crazy to see how passionate of an individual she is. She never gives up, and her dad was moved out of the intensive care unit and taken off of life support and now he actually stands a chance of recovery. It's really intense how prayer sometimes works like that. So she's incredible and I feel like an idiot just trying to get to know her better. Anyways, I start class tomorrow. I'm pretty excited, not about waking up, but about getting started. I'll see you all eventually, and if you're in Tempe, be sure to stop by room 1110 in Manzanita. Peace my babies.

To college. It's the title of a Blink 182 song off the album "Enema of the State"... a fine album. It seemed like forever away. It's tomorrow though (today if you count the fact that it's past midnight). I've had a change in my social life recently too. In high school I always knew what to say and where to be when people needed me, but not that I have a different group of people I'm around all the time, I don't talk as much, I don't make a point to be funny as much and I don't know how to provide for these people as much. It always seemed like the stuff that I helped people out with was so important at the time. I can safely that high school relationships aren't as important as some of the things that my friends have had to face in the past few days. I fail to see how someone can prioritize a boyfriend/ girlfriend relationship and how that looks to the student body when fathers die and women decide not to keep the kids they've made the mistake of conceiving. The worst part of this whole situation for me is how much I care for these people and how little I can say to them. Anything that I have to say to them is just too inadequate for what they're going through. In high school you can blow a situation out of proportion and recieve tons of comforting sympathy from people who may not even care about you, but I think real life should be (and is) a little different than that. How can you make a father's death something that gives you personal gain? There are few things more tragic than that... and there are even fewer things you can say to someone who is going through that. And that's where I'm at. I care for someone so dearly, but I don't know how to show them that. I don't know what to say or what to do and it sucks. I think she knows how much I care and I think she knows how much I thank God for her on a daily basis. This is way different than any relationships I had in high school. In high school I cared too much about what people thought about me. I feel confident that I showed people love to the best of my ability, but I didn't realize how much that weakness on my part would be taken advantage of and abused. I'm an adult now whether I like it or not.

It's early Sunday and I'm up playing guitar and not being tired once again. I'll get the whole sleep thing down before I move out, but I've got a few days. I just was looking at the memorial website for one of my friends who died last summer and it all just kinda came flooding back to me how much I freaking miss this kid and how unfair it seems that people can walk this Earth every day and not commit to anything or amount to anything or even be good for anything but this kid lived his life in the most vivid and passionate way only to have that same life taken from him after 17 years. What's fair about that? Absolutely nothing. It's dumb too because I know it could've just as easily have been me if I would've gone camping with him the day after we ate lunch together for the last time. I was so glad to see him. It had been over 2 months and we just had sort of grown apart and out of nowhere I just get the feeling that I should call him and we should go out to lunch. We did, and we came back to my house and acted like idiots and played Halo (as usual) and then what happens? He dies in a tragic accident the next day. I mean. Seriously, how does something like that even happen? I mean, I love God and I'm going to make a my life a living sacrifice to him, but I just can't see how that judgement would be just in any way. I guess I'll have to live more to understand how something like that even happens. The weird part about it is, sometimes I catch myself wondering, hey, I wonder what Taylor's doing tonight? And then it all just comes back to me how good of a kid he was and how genuinely caring and passionate of an individual he was. I feel so bad for his family, I can't imagine what going through such a tremendous ordeal is like. He was a son and brother and he's gone. I feel like I shouldn't re-itterate that at all, but I think it's so important to remember him, because sometimes you meet bad people and you get dragged down into the dirt by people who don't care about you and don't care about life, and I want to remember him especially because he wasn't like that at all. I'm leaving for college in 3 days and I still feel 17, I think I'll feel 17 for some time. I don't know what college is going to be like not having that kid around to make fun of and make an idiot of myself with. I don't thank God enough that he sends people like that.

I just finished making some random creations for my soon-to-be published website. I didn't realize how much goes into getting the simplest stuff up on the internet. It's a process. I'm noticing something else very depressing lately too. It's not my will in this world that matters. That's THE HARDEST thing I've had to deal with in my life. Even if I find the "perfect" someone and dedicate myself to them entriely with the purest of intentions, that may not be what God wants to happen. Which sucks, to be quite honest. It's kinda cool that he constantly changes things and keeps life interesting. It's hard to live with an agenda when you know that agenda won't always come to fruition. I need some things to happen in the future and if they don't, I don't know how I'll deal with myself, but I'm cool with that. I've established that I'm going to drop my expectations of becoming a huge rockstar musician or photographer and just working on becoming the most legitimate individual I can. I want to be disciplined and intelligible and sharp as tack when it comes to what I know is right. Hopefully that mindset will keep me myself as I go into college. I want to start actually writing songs too. I'm at the point in my guitar playing and singing where I can do so. I don't want to rush it though. I've never wanted to rush it. Maybe I'll never write a song. Geez.

I had traffic school today. It wasn't so bad. I ran into a girl that I had met a few years ago but didn't so much remember. So I came home and decided to go see "Talladega Nights" with some friends. I must say it was the worst comedy I have ever seen, but there was something that I really thank God for in that whole experience. It's very strange how you can seemingly "find God" when you're not looking and how he just sort of makes his prescence so powerfully known to you at the strangest times. I haven't really prayed in a while, but I have TONS to thank him for... for being able to go to college (in 10 days) for one. For potential in me and for change in me that I never saw happening. It sucks too. I hate having to accept that this person that I could've blown up to is not going to be what God has in store for me. I think that I really could have turned my back and just taken photography and ran with it... I'm still running, just in a better direction. I don't like the fact that I have to worry about making decisions that will affect how I'm treated by people and how people view me. The thing is, I know that I could really easily become one of those people who is incredibly agreeable and sociable, but I don't think that's what God wants me for, he wants me to lead, and that's not the easiest thing for me. I don't like to have to lead people in a direction that isn't easy to follow. I can't follow it well myself. That's one discouraging thing about being a Christian, the fact that you will constantly compare yourself to those who are spiritually one step ahead of you. I'm incredibly guilty of that. God knows that I know what needs to be done, it's just so hard for me to just let go and do it. I have to completely surrender in some aspects of my life that I'm not really ready to surrender in. I had a lot more to talk about, and I'm sure I'll rant on later, but I need to be getting to bed. Take it easy on yourselves guys.

Today started like many other days this summer. I woke up at noon, made pasta and watched The Life Aquatic. Productive, I know. I'm going to do some photography @ a show tonight, so I figure that'll redeem my stagnant behavior the past few hours. Now to write about what I had been wanting to write about. I noticed a few more things about the process of becoming an adult lately. Part of adulthood is becoming adjusted to feelings getting hurt and expectations not being met. I think people are capable of tremendous things, and I would have expected everyone who told me they wanted to go off and be an astronaut to be an astronaut. But life (and adulthood) don't really work like that. I've seen a lot of substance abuse lately. It's strange to have all of those things that my parents told me were bad now a widely-accepted and even gratifying part of adult life. I guess I'm not one to talk, I haven't tried this stuff, but is there something so wrong with not wanting to get involved in it? I feel like connections I didn't make in high school are far more important and serving me much better than all of the 1000's of connections I did make. The hardest part of dealing with drugs and alcohol is fact that you're not expected to say anything about it or talk about it, you're supposed to be cool with it and act natural, when in reality, for some people (like myself) there couldn't be anything more un-natural. The saddest part is, there's nothing that I can do about it besides lead by example and that pretty much never works. It's sad too because the people you least expect to drink or do drugs end up becoming subservient to every want and need their friends pressure onto them. I have a friends whose mother is an alcoholic and he used to come spend the night at my house crying his eyes out whenever she drank, and now he's totally cool with drinking himself. I wouldn't expect things like this to occur less in college (in fact, I know they'll occur more) I just have to make my prescence that much more know for those who want a way out. I wish things weren't like this, but this is the unfortunate truth and I can't pretend it's not happening this fast and happening to me in all of my relationships.

I had such a mediocre day today. It just wasn't a very good day. It started off cloudy and I was running late for church so I wasn't exactly prepared to play for Junior High and I didn't do my best and then I proceeded to miss college small group today all the while with the worst hair day of my life. It's a bad stage for sure (in the hair growing process that is). I'm off to Vegas at the end of this week for my sister's birthday. That should be a good time, I've just been in a slump the past few days. I need to do some photography, the Camden show should give me a decent op even though I'm missing the Element to go. Geez, I'm already starting to get stingy and I haven't even started classes yet. I'm gonna get better though. Also, Jimi Hendrix is fantastic, if you don't have some of his albums, go ahead and invest.