I think he might be doing this on purpose. maybe, just maybe, he's trying, after learning i check my mail all the time, no send me any mail so then i will be filled with angst. but that seems really mean. really really mean. and i'm not sure he's that mean. but what if he is? what if he is, intentionally, trying to hurt me even though he's dating laura (ish) and therefore has no need for my feelings to remain in tact. ugh. i hate men. maybe i should sing that in theatre. mhm..

so, there were 4 shows this weekend. I figured i could go to at least 2 if not 3. So i figured out which shows to see on which days and such because i KNEW if i didn't plan ahead and tell my mom, she would say no. So i detailed the following schedule. 1) thursday- go to voice, get some dinner, go see brigadoon at Reitz (as i didn't have any hw on thursday night as i discovered on tuesday when i planned all of this) 2) friday- go home, nap, shower, go to see "dearly departed" at north. sleep more. 3) saturday- elite, hw, dinner aladin Jr. at OHMS (my middle school), come home 4) sunday(if i could get off babysitting at church on sun night)- church, hw, rumors at harrison, home more hw. Here's what's happened so far: 1) voice, home, no show, no hw, no fun 2) home, no nap, shower, dinner.. no dearly departed b/c dinner went long. So, i could still cancel babysitting on sunday, and at least see north and reitz (as i know 1 person in the entirety of the cast at OHMS). But no. projection for sat and sunday: 3) elite, hw, babysitting for the goshorns (next door neighbors who indirectly caused lack of play at NHS) 4) church, open house with NHS (nat honors, not north), hw, babysitting at church, home, homework. i don't get to see a single show that possesses company members that i know on a personal level. This really blows.

So, i'm beginning to feel really crappy. (in case you missed it, this is my bad times blog.) oh nvm, i can't post this with an obnoxious little brother who cannot seem to make his own decisions today... sad that the only decisions he has are where to put the pieces of life and who's going to be the banker. leaving. bye

(the music is just what i'm listening to.. not related to the entry) My family that i have been baby-sitting for for 2.5-3 years is moving. To Ohio. I am going to miss these kids so much. I know the first time i baby-sat nicole.. i was about to pull my hair out. but i've come to love that talkative little girl, and i love her so much.And her little brother, steve, i know he doesn't like me much at his age because i'm not his mommy...but that little boy was the real thing that made me want kids. the feeling i had when i was cradling him in my arms and rocking him or feeding him... it made me wish i was older and married and able to have kids. Those two kids have made me ready, have prepared me for parenthood.. almost. They are the greatest thing i have ever had in my life. You can't stay angry at children. When a little kid hugs you... or give you a hug, or just screams out your name and runs up to hug you because they love you that much, it's the most wonderful feeling in the world. You feel like you really matter... you feel like you are really loved... because kids, if you care for them, they will love you, no matter your size, or moods or anything else that everyone else judges you for. they will love you just as you are. I've never really realized what these children have done for me. They have given me something they can ever realize. They have given me inspiration: to love, to live, to grow, to be a better person. I also want to thank jenn for posting an entry about this also, because she kinda lead me to wrap all these feelings up into one compact entry. And i'm crying.

i think i've begun to hate one of the people i think of as my best friend. so, i was just thinking about how last night, she kept all topics on her. And everything was about her. for such a long time last year, she gave me so much SHIT because i always ended up talking about my life. And i realize that... she always seems to think she knows everything. And that she's always right. And that i can't survive without her advice. And I've just become so sick of her deciding what's right. I (stupidly) posted an entry on mindsay talking about my babysitting horror. And instead of being supportive and helpful, she says to tie them to chairs and light firecrackers under them. She, by telling opinions that others have apparenlty shared, always makes herself look better. I can no longer tell her anything. She always makes me feel bad about myself. That i did something wrong. She called me yesterday and asked what i was doing (i assume to have me over or something) and i actually told her what i was doing (going to see the review that elite put on) and even though she has her driver's license, and there are 4 vehicles in her family, she asks if WE can give her a ride there. maybe i just feel claustrophobic in this friendship, because i really don't have any room for myself. Any problem i have, always is related back to something that happened to her. i guess i have outgrown her. (this was private, but i changed my mind.) (don't talk to people about it)

So today was the first day of summer show. The evening was pretty blah. Except one or two parts stand out in my mind. the first) *** is so at home in the show and with the people that she is no longer in this show my best friend in this situation. I have no one really. So, i guess it will be a friend making experience. two) When ***'s guy friend, who had never met me before in his life, told me i had beautiful eyes, *** kinda flipped. perhaps it's usually her position to be the one that everyone calls beautiful. but it seems she couldn't let me live in my only moment when i was beautiful, even if it was only one part of my body. She HAD to ask "are my eyes beautiful too?" maybe sometime in my life... i will be the beautiful one. But until that day, i life under and behind the shadow of my friend, hoping for a glance, a smile, a small comment toward my own self.

i cannot believe they have "headachy" as a discriptor. but it's cool cause i can say that i'm headachy and i am! finals suck that's about all there is to say. later me

i have a final tomorrow, but i don't feel like studying just yet ( ) smoked a cigarette ( ) smoked a cigar ( ) made out with a member of the same sex ( ) been in love (x) been dumped ( ) shoplifted ( ) been fired ( ) been in a fist fight ( ) snuck out of my parent's house (x) had feelings for someone who didnt have them back ( ) been arrested ( ) made out with a stranger ( ) gone on a blind date (x) lied to a friend (x-middle school- mr Jourdan) had a crush on a teacher (to sleep and recover mental health) skipped school ( ) slept with a co-worker ( ) seen someone die ( ) been to Canada ( ) been to Mexico (x) been on a plane ( ) thrown up in a bar ( ) (purposely) set a part of myself on fire (x) eaten sushi ( ) been snowboarding ( ) met someone in person from myspace ( ) been hxc dancing at a show ( ) been in an abusive relationship (to kill pain, yes) taken painkillers (x) love someone or miss someone right now (x) laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by (x) made a snow angel (x) had a tea party (x) flown a kite (x) built a sand castle (x) gone puddle jumping (x) played dress up (x) jumped into a pile of leaves (x) gone sledding (x) cheated while playing a game (x) been lonely (x) fallen asleep at work/school ( ) used a fake id (x) watched the sun set (x) felt an earthquake (x) touched a snake (x~) slept beneath the stars (x) been tickled ( ) been robbed (x) been misunderstood (x) pet a reindeer/goat ( ) won a contest ( ) ran a red light ( ) been suspended from school ( ) been in a car accident (x) had braces (x- every day) felt like an outcast (x ^-^) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night (x) had deja vu (x~) danced in the moonlight (x) hated the way you look ( ) witnessed a crime ( ) pole danced (x) questioned your heart (x-always) been obsessed with post-it notes (x) squished barefoot through the mud (x) been lost (x) gotten a 4.0 on a report card ( ) been to the opposite side of the country (x) swam in the ocean (x) felt like dying ( ) been responsible for your sports team to win ( ) been responsible for your sports team to lose (x- last week) cried yourself to sleep ( ) played cops and robbers (x- two days ago) recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers (i haven't met some members of my family...) hugged EVERY member of your family (x) sung karaoke (no, but i did buy socks at McD) paid for a meal with only coins (x) done something you told yourself you wouldn't (x-and couldn't say it) made prank phone calls (x-yesterday) laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose (x) caught a snowflake on your tongue (not yet) danced in the rain ( ) written a letter to Santa Claus (x) been kissed under a mistletoe ( ) watched the sun set with someone you care about (x) blown bubbles ( ) made a bonfire on the beach ( ) crashed a party (x gone rollerskating (x~) had a wish come true ( ) humped a monkey ( ) worn pearls ( ) jumped off a bridge ( ) ate dog/cat food ( ) told a complete stranger you loved them (~) kissed a mirror (x-cada dia) sang in the shower (x) have a little black dress (~) had a dream that you married someone (x) been trusted by your parents ( ) broken your parents trust (x) love your parents ( ) glued your hand to something ( ) got your tongue stuck to a flag pole ( ) kissed a fish (x) worn the opposite sexes clothes ( ) been a cheerleader (x) sat on a roof top (x) screamed at the top of your lungs ( ) screamed at the top of your lungs while sitting on a roof top ( ) done a one-handed cartwheel ( ) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours ( ) stayed up all night (x) liked a guy your friend liked (x-well.. she's trying) been set up (... two. does that count?) didn't take a shower for a week (x) pick and ate an apple right off the tree (x) climbed a tree (x) had a tree house/club house (x) are scared to watch scary movies alone ( ) believe in ghosts (x) have more then 30 pairs of shoes ( ) worn a really ugly outfit just to see what others say ( ) gone streaking ( ) played ding-dong-ditch (x) gone to church ( ) played chicken ( ) been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on ( ) been told you're hot by a complete stranger ( ) broken a bone ( ) fixed a computer (x) helped your parents with their work (x) caught a fish then ate it (x) caught a butterfly (x) laughed so hard you cried (x) cried so hard you laughed ( ) mooned/flashed someone (x) had someone moon/flash you (let someone cheat) cheated on a test (x) have a Britney Spears CD (x) forgotten someone's name (x) slept naked ( ) French braided someones hair ( ) gone skinny dippin in a pool ok, that only took like.. 5 minutes.. so i'm gonna go study now. :-

yeah.. my life is kinda sucking right now. i have the worse finals schedule ever wed- multicultural and history thurs- spanish and math friday-just chem and an hour of study monday- english and study hall ok.. so yeah.. i do have an easy one or two in there... but for the most part, i have my hardest finals in one big CHUNK! (history, math, chem, and spanish is iffy) it just.... sucks and then, to top things off, i have realized i have no close friends anymore. not really. andrea has other things on her mine and has a life based on a totally different belief system. amy and kasey are both too... bubble-ly and busy. emily is chummy with sarah j. everyone else i could turn to... already has a whole support group of friends that they're required to be around. What does that leave me with? acquaintances that only care for as long as is expected then kinda drift out. i need people who care no matter what. i need people who don't mind those little traits that i have. people who will stay. people that i can cry around. people that i can trust. people who won't leave. people who won't have other things to attend to. I was watching national treasure this weekend, and there was one line in the ENTIRE MOVIE that stood out to me. The scene: nicholas cage and leading lady as well as other treasure seeking folk entering creepy area. Event: cage says "come here," grabs girl, and kisses her passionately. well.. passionately for disney. person who comes behind them says... THE LINE: "why can't that ever happen to me?" that quote sums up my feeling on EVERY SINGLE ENTIRE ROMANTIC MOVIE ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET when do i get my fairy tale ending of romance? hmmm never. i also have discovered that i am NOT paranoid and there is a whole group that comprises over 1/7 of my graduating class and all but one person hates me. and the one person who doesn't? my only guy friend i have left. and i appear to be losing him too. i just don't understand why it has to be this bad. am i being tested by God to see how much i can take before i break down and realize that though i'm christian, my life isn't going to be easy. i just don't get it .

so, yeah... the guy from the last post? KEEPS SHOWING UP. i ended up seeing him a seussical. dandy.. just dandy. and then i kinda forgot about him... again. and then kasey mentioned a few weeks after seussical.. actually it was last week now that i think of it... that he called her and asked her to set him up. but two weeks later.. still nothing. but then i realized that... well it might just be friendly love... but i might be falling for one+ guy friends. i need to broaden my range of contact. i can't keep dating my male friends. i lose friends that way! so i have decided to NOT even THINK about it after i finish this post.. *ends post*

ok, so on march 5th, exactly one day after i was dumped, i met this guy in my duo rounds. and i was thinking "wow, he's pretty cool, and cute to boot!" all the while, the whole day long, my friend kasey was saying to me "you need to meet my friend ****, he's such a good guy!" (as of course, when a friend gets dumped, one tries to immediately set said friend up with the nearest person of the opposite sex... no exceptions) well low and behold, after i decide i could very much like the guy from duo, he turns out to be ****. weird, huh? so i keep thinking, yeah, i'll never really see him again, and nothing will happen. but then i saw him, a whole 3 days later... and he acted as if he didn't even know me, or at least seemed that way. so then about a week or so later, my duo partner and i were talking about boys, and she apparently knows **** too, and she warned me against him because he's a, and i quote, "player." so i have him off the brain. but as soon as state rolls around, i have **** on the brain, and i see him, and he smiles at me, and talks to me, and wrapped his arm around me (for a picture granted, but still) and i was just in this elated state of a male paying attention to me. and the whole day, every time we would make eye-contact, he would do that masculine pointing-index-finger greeting… which i still find odd…but boys will be boys. so i make a big flub this morning. a guy friend of mine starts talking about his **** from op, and low and behold ITS HIM! and so i start inquiring for number, contact info, etc. *dramatic pause*in front of my rather freshly ex-boyfriend. probably not the best idea, but i don't care. so i, today too, had **** on the brain, and i inquired after him from kasey at lunch, and learned that he was... somewhat less than pure. and i dont' know, i might just have issues with my own purity, but i really do not believe i will be able to date (that's it in its most extreme form i guess.. but an appropriate infinitive is not available at this time) a guy that much more... experienced than me, espically since i really don't believe that i will do that before i'm married, because i won't be ready and i shouldn't be ready. but yet, i still have this desire to get to know him better--in a total non-sexual means-- and maybe, see what's really there, behind the rumors, thoughts, and truths.

http://misssunshine.mindsay.com that's mainly for sam to explain in case she still reads

so, i had another speech meet this weekend. pretty blah. didn't place, cried on the bus on the way home, couldn't find any tissues.. etc etc etc. why is et cetera etc and not e c t i mean the pronunciation is Et Cet Era.. so maybe it should be ece or.. maybe i'm just rambling about nothing and being facetious

an update wee i miss my ipod i should call apple support and get it fixed on another note i offically made my blog like.. friends only i'll change my mind in about.... 16 seconds c'est la vie mes amis (excuse any improper french, i don't speak it)

so i've been sick for about.. 4 days i'm sick of it.. if you'll pardon the accidental play on words. i have determined that a lot of people i know, don't really like me. but that's ok. because i have decided to like myself and THAT'S what matters.

yeah.. snow is no fun after about.. oh.... 5 days. but perhaps i should just go play in it and get it over with.. that would make good use of my time.... yeah.. i'm really bored.... i have loads i could be doing.. but i'm still insanly bored. why did it have to snow 19 inches?! DO WE NEED NINETEEN INCHES OF SNOW?!!? oh well.. i should be able to get out tomorrow. :) thanks to my beau. :) ^-^ (: :D

oh yes, there were mudmonkeys, and it was all in all a good evening. *dreamy sigh* i'm going to go and take yet another shower, and read my book, and go to bed and if you care to know, the lyrics of this song are wellll...... perfect

it was commented in an earlier entry that my smiley was backwards. i would wish to explain this. if anyone has AIM, they are well aquanted with the imodicon smilies. they are, in some cases.. like the plain smiley, very annoying. so, when sending plain smiley or frown faces (which are also obnoxious) on any server, i used the nonconformist me smiley that is backwards. everything else i make normal ^.^

yeah.. well i'm procrastinating on studying for finals.. but that's aok by me! wee i'm just... confused. -me-

you make me happy. and sam, you should know by now who the guy is.... in case you didn't catch that last night