is it bad that I hate it when every time I come home my mom scans the fuck out of me? because i fucking hate it and i fucking hate it when she cant just ask me how my fucking night went. FUCK.

It seems as though every time I update, there isn't anything good to say. Well, its a really long time since my last entry and so many stupid things have happened. Well, now I'd say I have gathered myself out of everything to start new. I haven't exactly experienced new things but I'm just waiting for school to start. I am going to take a break on depending on myself for things, such as rides to places, the people I choose to open up to, and whatever comes along. Me opening to people is a problem, I'm timid. I know that either way people will judge you so might as well have people see you the way you want them to. I am not going to have friends with benefits either. I want to take all the lonely people and be friends with them. I don't know, its been 12 days that I could have turned my life around but I havent. I am thinking if I might just be saying this all year. I don't think I will though. I don't know where to find people that are compatible with me. I am difficult but longing for human interaction.

My friends have become fucking nutty. I think I'll hang out by myself for a while until I calm down. I know they wont calm down because they don't see it as a problem. Oh well. Peace.

summer isnt so much of a summer to me. im slavin at school from 7-3pm monday - thursday. it also doesn't help when i'm taking trig and pysch. blahhhhhh. so much has happened since my last entry.. wow.. endless nameless.

So this is what comes down to having a two night little gathering: friends, drinks, bud, sex, fun. What came out of it: getting exploited, getting drug tested, house arrest. This is seriously the best week my parents aren't home ever! I have no idea why my sister narc'd me out. No one really knows.. all I know is that I'm getting tested and I need to get some detoxifiers asap. I slept for a little over 12 hours today and I'm so mellow right now. This sucks. My life has officially went down the shit hole. So out of all those unnatural.. or whatever the word I'm looking for is.. stimulations.. all I have left is the pleasure of getting pleasured. I ruined my life.

in a nutshell, i can describe my life as good. i may be reconsidering people but they are okay for the time being. school is harsh because its soo free. college is crazy. there is so much i can say but ive started to learn what it is to keep quiet.. or maybe i havent found someone worthy enough to share to. as far as i know, i dont have best friends, i dont know anything about my friends.

Shit happens and this is number five for month five. I dont know what to think of this.. i really need to pace myself. Last night is kind of the guy I'm after.. but not really. He's kind of shitty and I know i was the girl just for the night.. or for the while. Unless something turns around.. which I highly doubt. But anyhow, I think I'm in trouble.

Man.. Friday night was pretty crazy. I dont want to regret things but I think right now I'm just scared. Another mark in my life, August 7, 2004. The only thing I think I would regret is the fact it wasn't someone I truely care about. Or keep hoping that Matt will come around. I hoped, I'm still hoping. Anyhow.. this kinda sucks but not really. It was good just not the guy I was hoping for. He's hot.. if that makes anything better.

This past weekend was a blast but it didnt involve my #1 for sure. Oh well, that's good. I think about him a lot but I can live without him. Anyhow, I think I like people again and I guess i'll just be the good person again. Hopefully, i dont get stepped on. there's so much i think i would change about myself. but i really like myself and i believe that i was meant to look how i do for a reason. i never wished to be someone else in such a long time and i am finally ok with myself. i dont know where i'm going with this but i like myself.

Well, i have one thing for certain. I'm not sure about the rest. I dont know how often I can get stepped on or forgotten till I just forget. I make phone calls though. I'm starting to use the phone. But, for now, I need my time away from her and find out who I really am/what I'm trying to be. I hate being the shadow and listening to materialism.

This is some good times. I guess I finally got pushed away and pushed myself away. so basically, i have a couple of friends but i'm here writing this entry. I wish he would call though. haha the first weekend I haven't seen him. Wow. Oh well, i'm not going to get too attached because, well, I know how it all ends. But, part of me says that's stupid because part of me tells me he's not like that. I will find a way to screw things up. I know I will.. I usually do. i'm always telling myself i need something new. so i went back to the old and there was no business for me there. well, back to the old two just not one in particular. i thought things were going well until it bites you in the butt. i guess there's nothing for me to do. everyone does that kind of stuff but rarely you get caught. yep you did get caught but whatever. i love how i went from crying one whole day to my life changing completely around. well, now i'm back into some kind of phase and i'm not sure if its the same as the old. i hope not and i hope i'm just overreacting. i cant help myself but.. who knows what this will bring this time.

first kiss first date remarkable both nights actually.. first kiss was.. more interesting than the date.

Matt is one cool dude.

So I found this new boy and I hope it works out. :)

practically, i cried all day. .sucks.

side streets to everywhere

Misunderstand were holding hands we're at the beach we're throwing sand. I couldn't feel in a more miserable mood ever. Buts its ok cuz this time is the last time. I am keeping the thing I love and throwing away the thought of. I guess its easier said than done but it's all i got. Too much thinking, too much analyzing, too much screwing us up. Whatever. I still believe sometimes its not JUST me screwing up. I wouldnt screw up until you piss me off. Moral of the story: dont piss me off.

back to this up and down cycle again. but i dunno. this time is different. i dunno if i care anymore. i do but ugh.. all i can feel right now is my stomach. i want to throw up. he makes me sad, as always. i just want to spend prom night with the one i really care about. but its not like he doesnt care.. but it seems like he doesn't want to go the extra distance for me EVER. oh well. i dont even know what i'm talking about becuase i keep getting fucking interrupted.

feelings so mutual, why is it that i still have to wait for you to come? i'm gonna go in there and make a move. all this talk is boring. i hate thinking without knowing.

i dont know what to believe. yes he loves. but sometimes i feel like just a friend. and now that i'm in trouble. i feel like if i cant see him i'd die. okay not die. but i'm seriously too way over my fucking head for him. i'm so scared.