If it wasn't for the great stress and anxiety of my endless supply of homework, in this moment I would achieve pure contenment... Happiness... I have just finished a conversation in which I was "laughing like a stoned hyena" after sending one of my male friends to a gay porn site... I am listening to a really beautiful song, I am in my favorite place, in my kitchen, in my one-armed guitar chair, on my trusted computer. My house smells like popcorn and summer, with a hint of jasmine. It's cold outside, but I'm not that cold. It's overcast, but I'm not outside. My cat's not crying, my grandma's sleeping, sitdiary is functioning, I am at peace with everything Except school. But that's okay for now, I just know I'll be stressed to the max tomorrow. And even that is preventing me from attaining inner peace. Only thing is, I can't do it. I can't make myself work. I would rather sit here in utter boredom just waiting for the internet to do something than do my homework. My grandma's going to kill me when she sees my grades. And I only want to make her happy. I want everyone to be happy. And now the world peace mood is over. And off we go into reminiscence, memories past of a distant, happy lifestyle. Nostalgic tears begin to push at my eyeballs as I remember the last time when I was truly happy, when I last felt the peace which I had so nearly achieved just today... And then I realize that Joey was there. Damn, there goes everything. It's so hard trying to hate someone when you really just want to love everyone. And it's worse having that one thought circulating through your mind... That one -- endless -- thought, "Why does he hate me?" And the unspeakable wish that there was no more hate in the world. Why must we make ourselves and each other suffer? Will the cycle ever end? There is so much pain... So much pain... And now I'm crying. In an entry entitled happy. Oh well. At least I tried. Good luck finding your happiness. ~ Beth