I just realized this cd was due back at the library today. Oh well. I had a stressful week last week. I ended up cutting myself one night, but it was only so I could drink blood. I'm not into masochism. I need a masochist boyfriend though... heh. Just now (after writing that) I'd like to add, or girlfriend. I had a daydream about this one girl I kind of know but not really. I just know she's cool and into bondage, and a hardcore lesbian. Which would rock for me... I'm not attracted to her though, she reminds me of myself too much. And she sort of moved away anyway. Not too far, but too far for me to casually get to know her. My background picture is looking sort of blue to me tonight. Grey tends to fade to blue, and all the colors fade to grey... Everything in nature regulates itself, I suppose. I was tired and about to go to bed at 9pm when I realized I had homework. So I started talking to myself then got online. I was going to get off, but was drawn to sitdiary. I have been so utterly uncreative since ... about the beginning of this year, or perhaps even this school year. I am a beautiful person with a "dark" kinky side. I can't even share the next bit I wanted to say, because it's too personal for a bloody diary. Now I'm the most open and honest sane person in the world, and yet somehow the sexual deviance taboo still affects me. Yes, life is odd. Thursday I wrote a letter to my social studies teacher because he seemed overstressed about school and such. Friday he thanked me for it and said my advice to take a break, soak in the warmth of the sun, and focus on the good in life was good advice. Saturday I found myself overstressed about school - a social studies project. It wasn't until that night that I decided to take my own advice and do something easier, that I would do well at, than a harder and more instantly impressive but less good project. I'm kind of crying now, because of the good music, the happiness of the little stressful irony, and the bittersweetness of it all in that I'll have to go to school tomorrow and have yet to finish the homework. Mostly for the beauty of the world. It's the only thing that's really powerful enough to make me sincerely cry. The worst ever rhyming haiku that thinks it's good: Why would you be mad Why would you ever be sad When you can be glad :) I think it's cute and dumb. On another note, Morgan=alt+0134,shift+comma,3,r Which is a really stupid geeky way to say she got confirmed as a Christian after youth group tonight. Sadly, I wasn't there to see her. I went to a family friend's kid's birthday party. I revisited the tire-swing that gave me such great memories in my youth, and it wasn't the same. It wasn't night time, raining from one side with pure black, half-moon and stars on the other. There wasn't good music booming forth from the sound system and smores roasting over the fire pit. It wasn't a small gathering of people there to be calm, or have a bit of fun going down the zip line. I guess things change. The tireswing has deteriorated with time, it can no longer hold its form beneath my weight. There's no fence there anymore for me to crash into, but somehow I also can't push myself as high anymore, even though I'm not taller. I don't know quite where I live in my dream-world... Everyone at the party I went to was Christian. The men were discussing church and beer brands, the women church and their kids. The kids themselves were climbing trees on the acre and a half out back... Right Now makes me feel good HAL 9000 0wnZ U: What's up? streetmusician23: Listening to Natalie Merchant and writing streetmusician23: I'm getting back to myself. streetmusician23: While everyone else turns Christian and away from everything they are. HAL 9000 0wnZ U: Oh, yes, I agree. HAL 9000 0wnZ U: Turning Christian is a way of quashing your own creativity. streetmusician23: No streetmusician23: It just happens to have that effect streetmusician23: It's a way of fitting in, and finding security streetmusician23: Which I guess can be good. streetmusician23: But I never want to have any kind of security. HAL 9000 0wnZ U: No, neither do I, to tell the truth. streetmusician23: Life's not life if you have all the answers.... This is getting too long. I'll come back later with more of my thoughts on everything. I just have to clear my head at the moment. Thanks for letting me ramble, feel free to comment on it :) ~ Beth PS. I'm not really smiling that much.