i seem to only come here to vent these days, days which tend to be few and far between...

i really miss having someone to call my own. so many friends and family have gotten married over the last few years. my sister is married now as well and has a kid. im not sure at what point i let things slip away.

i know that i want someone who fits into my life and mine hers. i dont want her or i to have to let go of what makes us real. i have so many things i enjoy doing and every girl over the past decade has wanted to nuke some of that. i understand compromise but not when it involves what makes someone happy. i dont even know where to start looking, and i dont have time either.

i cant pull from my groups of friends and i dont like the idea of bringing someone into the fold too early on because history can repeat itself. i dont like clubs anymore and if i go to a show, im usually in the pit and not paying attention to much else. i dont do the bar scene anymore and i dont do blind dates. (not like any ever come up)

i have a terrible reputation amongst my friends as a player and i can understand why. truth be told though, that my occasional hook ups' are with the same friends and its been the drunken make out thing for years. i can honestly say i havent been laid in over a year and a half or so. telling people i have been a different person for years now wont make a difference as to how they view that side of me. people will come to me for a variety of proplems but wont want to accept im not the same person i was years ago.

im going to be 30 and single, i just know it. i missed out on so many things and was too ignorant about loving people back who truly loved me as well. i dont know what else to really say.

all i want is that connection, a friend and lover. someone to grow old with and have a family. someone to nerd out with me or go to a show or game.

i guess maybe this is what i get for my past.

still cant sleep