"Dead" Slit My wrists Why can't I be dead? I wish to cease to exist Anything to silence the voices in my head Just want them gone....want everything to be right Want to be normal like you Yet I don't want to lose this special insight I see everything thats true All the secrets, the lies, I see it all But the pain is making it harder to deal At this point I don't want to fight....I'm willing to fall To finally hit rock bottom....so numb, can't feel This is the end just want to die Don't want to see the light of day again Bid you good bye..... "Truth" When I was six.....had only 1 friend Dad, you left me with Nick and Joe You told me nothing would ever happen to me again But something happened, you know Joe told me, that he would teach me a new way to have fun He said it would make me feel great It was then that it begun Joe said kneel down.....Now wait Eager to please and learn But this new game It started to burn He kept saying my name this red thing he placed in my hand He said pretend it's a blow pop I didn't understand It kept hurting my throat....I wanted to stop He said no He made me stay on the floor I wanted him to let me go I wanted to run for the door But i stayed there He said its almost done I didn't think this game was fair When he finished I wanted to run He gave me a towel and said clean up the mess There was a bunch of this thick stuff that was white I was only 6.....But I felt the stress It was still early night When he asked if I would do this with Nick Joe said to me, remove your jeans I wish I had a choice but there was nothing to pick I started to get scared....letting some one see the unseen Yet i did what I was instructed to do He said get on the bed He said, This is a privledge for girls shared by few I did as he said Nick got on and sat next to me Wondering what Joe had in mind Joe said spread your legs, I want to see He touched me and asked how it felt....afraid i said fine He said, do to him what you were taught I took ahold and went to work fast... Do it Quick...I don't want to get caught Nick said it felt good...he wanted it to last Suddenly I felt something that shouldnt have been there I felt a hand force my head down It was Joe, He said Now this game is being fair Then Nick started making these weird sounds I saw Joe licking his fingers....I saw red Nick said that he had enough of the game You did great, don't worry, Joe said Some how I didn't look at things the same After everything was cleaned up and done They both gave me a big hug Joe let me play his drums I felt like I was trapped in a hole myself had dug Joe kicked us out so Nick and I played hide and go seek I was so happy when you came back dad But of alchol you reeked When we got into the car I told you of the night I had Yet you said nothing.....I felt like you didn't care I wanted to be hugged I wanted you to be there I wanted to feel loved But you said nothing till the next day I told mommy, and she told you I just wanted to hide away You said I was a liar....That it wasn't true I tried to explain....Daddy It happened! I know! But all you said was Shut up and never speak of it again I didn't want to, But I did so That was the end. Years later, It still haunts me There's nightmares Flashbacks...Everything I see It's non stop terror But there's nothing I can do I just try to deal And work it through And Pretend that it never happened, that it's not real But those memories follow, where I go It's like dragging around a ball and chain Just because you said it was a Lie, doesn't make it so I'm not insane I was there....It happened, I felt everything I can still hear the voice The fear...The familiar sting if I had a choice But I didn't...I couldn't fight I told you, I broke the promise, The secret I know what happened wasn't right And having told, I still regret Spent so many nights crying, over this old pain So many Crimson tears flowing I wish I could explain I feel like I have nothing going Another night, More tears Just want to sleep it away Hugging a stuffed animal calms the fears But After the night, comes day So I put these meories out of my mind Time to act happy, Time to lie Looking for that refuge, so eager to find Counting down the days till I die