Wellz....been Kinda quiet I suppose... been a odd few days. Friday I was in a good mood but like yeah my parents and I got into it reallii bad....And I ended up cutting and crying....And like I totally forgot I had the cam on:| need I say more. My fuckin wrist is killing me still. I think I hit it or laid on it while I slept. Haven't talked to Nick at all today. I reallii Miss him....I'm sure He was out all day doin somethin with his Mates or somethin...I dunno -_- So bored tho without him. Talkin to Allan... OMFG Ken is bein such a dickweed! He's like....I Love you....I'm like well I don't love you. He cant take no for an answer! I don't fuckin like him! He's a short old Fuckin Ugly ass Mother fuckin Pedophile!!!!! Gah why do the assholes latch on to me? OH OH OH!!!!! I saw James at Walgreens today! I acted like I didn't see him and like he kept following me all over the store...He was checkin out my ass when I was in the Halloween Section.....And I waved to him...And he looked at me...and got all flushed...hehe He knows I remeber that night...And I remember his dick was like....2 inches...lol....And then at the cash register he was checkin my mom out!!!! i'm like WTF Nasty Bastard. Oh and then John from German Actually measured his dick and told me it was just under 7 inches....I think he likes me...hehe....He's kool tho..... Man....I dunno why but suddenly like I feel so depressed. I think it's because of my parents. And then Like I'm not talkin to Sara or any of them. And like I slept to much today and depression thrives in sleep. Think I'll pull an all nighter tonight. Maybe it'll wear off. I seriously feel like just slitting my wrists and pray for death. But there's that little voice in the back of my head that says "Hold on" I'm tryin reallii hard. I sorta do and don't want to give in. So lost. So confused. Dunno what I want to do. Hate this feeling. Dammit thought it was gone. What sucks the most is I know I am gonna be so fucking suicidal and depressed the week of my birthday cuz the 19th we leave for Seattle and I don't Want to fucking go. It's gonna be hell. Gah My mom alwyz has to fuck everything up!!!! Bitch!!! grrr. Fuckin gayness.... Dunno what else I want to add in here....ugh....ugh...lol....I'm redoing my diary layout n stuff I think......Dunno tho...Still lookin for a newbackground n shit... BTW: Nick I am sooooooooooo gonna kick ur ass!!!!!! Have had that damn "Cannonball" song in my head all day!!!!! Gah.....good thing its a alright song..... Was Listening to the Naturals earlier. I love that song "Put your arms around me" Put Your Arms Around Me lyrics How am I supposed to wait, when the nights, last forever? When am I supposed to stop, missing you, when I know ill never? Times moving slowly, im standing still. Come back and say that you will... [CHORUS] Put your arms around me Your the one and only I'll be here if u let your heart show the way. Come lay down be beside me Put your arms around me. I'll be here when the dawn meets the day You tell me not to count the days, And I don't, I’m down, im down to hours No matter what you tell me, over the phone I wanna see it in your eyes, (in your eyes) Can't put my arms around a, photograph Life from a distance don't last [CHORUS] Put your arms around me Your the one and only I'll be here if u let your heart show the way. Come lay down be beside me Put your arms around me. I'll be here when the dawn meets the day Only you can revive me And save me from a broken heart. I wanna have you beside me Together make a brand new start Put your arms around me [CHORUS (repeat 2x)] Put your arms around me Your the one and only I'll be here if u let your heart show the way. Come lay down be beside me Put your arms around me. I'll be here when the dawn meets the day Put your arms around me Your the one and only I'll be here if u let your heart show the way. Come lay down be beside me Put your arms around me. I'll be here when the dawn meets the day My Fav line is.... "I wanna have you beside me Together make a brand new start" If onli....ya kno.....Wish there were such things as a New start....But no matter what everything follows you and always will unless you can outrun it all which is virtually impossible. Life is a fuckin bitch at times.....grrrrr I'm so slow tonight.....Seriously can't think straight and I have no idea why. Everything is like a delayed reaction....Go figure....Oddness.... I think I'm goin on a crash diet. Was on Bluedragonfly again....And like...Now I feel like a total fatass. I kno I need to stay away from that site cuz it triggers me into starvation and Purging....Do need to lose weight....Guess A few weeks of it couldn't hurt....But like I see these girls who weigh like 115lbs that are like 5'6...Same height as me...And they bitch that they are fat..... I must be a fuckin whale then. Slowly feeling the mindset start again. "Succession is a 0" gawd Dammit!!!! I fuck myself up so much....Deserve to be punished. Deserve not to eat. Deserve to be covered in scars.....Deserve to be raped. Here on out...No more food....Only water and Diet coke. If I eat anything. Will cut myself deep till I feel the pain. Associate eating with pain won't want to do it anymore. Yeah that will work. That's what I'm gonna do. Need to stride for Perfection. Am So flawed. So fucked up. So Fat. Hate myself. Totally feel like just running to the bathroom and shoving my finger down my throat. Wish i wouldn't have ate that Pizza or pancakes today.....Suddenly can feel it packing its self on my ass. My mom is right. Am nothing more then a cheap dirty Fat Whore. Deserve to Suffer...............Deserve Death.......