Wow. I haven't written in forever. I probably won't write anymore. The people that I used to converse with on this site have ceased using it and so have I. I just wanted to revisit it because I really liked what I did with the settings (finally). I enjoyed using this site because it helped me get my feelings out to friends in a way that I had never been able to before. Yes, ok, I did a lot of whining on this site, but hopefully I've grown. Discussing these types of things with my friends this way definately helped me through a few tough times and helped me grow into a better person. I will always write as much as I did. That's just a thing I do. I write a lot. I like to write. So thank you to all of my friends. I love you all. If you read this, that's great, but if you never do, at least I was able to put this message out there. Bye. -Belzy

Hey! Whoo! Good mood! Surprisingly?! . . . I got yelled at yesterday for practicing too much and not doing any house work during CHRISTMAS VACATION. I had to vaccum The upstairs hallway, step, kitchen floor, living room, foyer, and the dust envery inch of the house and mop the kitchen floor. My dad got home and asked me why I didn't do the bathrooms. IS NOTHING GOOD ENOUGH?! I was supposed to go bowling with Rhiannon, Amy, Justin, Joel, and Kristy today, but Amy couldn't come, Rhiannon wasn't allowed to because she was pouting because she got gum in her hair I'm assuming (long story) so then Justin, Kristy, and Joel didn't want to go, I didn't have a ride. We didn't go. Then, Brittany called me and asked me if I wanted to go to the movies. I finished mopping the floor and vaccuming the living room in 25 minutes! Record time! Sweat was dripping! So I went and we saw Fun with Dick and Jane. It was funny! I was going to go to Alisha's tonight, but Justin refused to drive me. PISSES ME OFF! It's just because I said something about him still liking Rhiannon. He does. He practically stalks her. Whenever he sees a car that looks like hers, he stops and makes sure if it is. It never is, but he always wants to see. He still likes her. Alex called me during the movie and I had to hang up on him then turn my phone off. Oops. I felt so bad. I should have turned it off. I told him I was going bowling. He wants to go to the movies next weekend with me and Katie (Katie can drive). If we can't find anything good it the movies, we'll probably go bowling (YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!) I love bowling! Seriously. I don't know if Katie will though. And then, we're probably going out to dinner at the China Queen. Awesome! For the longest time, I was bowling really bad. At the beginning of the season, I was doing good because I was bending really far over when I went to bowl. Coach told me it was too far because I ended up bringing my arm in front of my body and I would miss my mark. He was right, but I started standing up more. I could never hit my mark. Now, I'm bending over again, and I'm hitting my mark! I only got a 114 on the last game on Thursday, but now that I know what's up, I'll get better. My record right now is 141. Let's see if I can beat it. I have a bowling match on Tuesday. The day we get back and I get out early! How lucky am I?! I want to go bowling tomorrow. I might call some people and ask them if they want to go. I doubt it'll work. I know I can't wait until Tuesday to bowl again. It's so addicting! I'm actually pretty good at it. I can't wait until prom! I have to ask my parents if I can go though. I'll ask my mom and she'll talk to my dad about it. That'll be safe. I'm going to get a dress this year no matter what. If something happens and Alex and I don't go, I could probably go with Nathaniel if he wants. If he's going with Megan, I'll save it for next year. I got $200 for Christmas and I'm saving it for my dress and shoes. I can't wait. I better go. If I don't try to get to sleep now, I won't for a couple of hours. . . .my back hurts from scrubbing and vaccuming.

Wow. It's been 2 1/2 months since I've written. Things are going awesome! I just read the top line of my last entry and it says that Chris and I are going out. Well, I'm not exactly sure which time that was, but to fill you in, we've gone out 4 times total. The last time, he broke up with me with "the note" from 2 years ago. Immature! Any way, two days later we were friends again. Weird. So, since then, I have changed completely. I don't really care about anything around me. There's bigger and better things ahead of me, and I can't be distracted by things on the side I'm already passin by. I'm now with Alex. It's going really well. This is currently the best relationship I have ever had. Our first kiss was 5 days after we got together. Amanda still likes him though. It's kinda, no wait, really funny how she acts. She's still got these stupid poems in her band stall saying that when he was around her all the time and she was ignoring him and trash talking him, that she loved him and he hated her. Flip it sweetie!!! They really suck too. I could write better poetry and I hate the stuff! She ran out of the room today when Alex and I were cuddling in the corner. And a few days ago when we were hugging. And after we got together. And at the playoff game when we were talking to each other. She also spread rumors that we were "fooling around" on the bus. Yeah right! Like I would do that on the bus! It feels good to write again. I made counties. (4th chair!) I made Districts. (5th in my room) I'm trying out for Regionals. I'm sending in an audition tape for Governor's school. I'm supposed to ask when All Easterns is. I've got a lot on my plate. I need a break from music, but I can't get it. Things are going great with Alex though. yesterday was our 2 week-er. We're exchanging Christmas presents on Friday. Apparently, he spent a SHITLOAD of money on me. I feel awful. I spent maybe $15 on him total, and he bought me a lot of stuff. I told him not to over and over, but he said that he wanted to because "I was worth it." I guess he thinks he has to buy my love. But the thing is, I think I would get pissed off at him if he spent a lot of money. HE GOT ME SOMETHING THAT IS ALIVE!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAHHH! What the hell am I going to do? I am scared to death that my parents are going to kill me for whatever he got me, or I'll end up killing it. Whatever it is, that's what he spent a lot of money on. Everyone knows and it's driving me crazy. I am scared to death of what it could possibly be. I don't want my parents to get mad at me. I don't want anyone to think I'm going out with him just to get something like this. I don't even know what it is. I told him not to spend a lot on me, but he spent every cent he had. I don't understand! I'm not going to like him any better if he gets me something expensive. I'm going to kill him! Why?! Why would he get me something living? I'm so irresponsible I can't even take care of myself. Sometimes I don't eat, sleep, or go to the bathroom because I don't have time or I just forget, or a combination of the two. If I can't remember I have to take care of myself, hope am I going to remember to take care of something else. These are the two clues I have gotten: It's alive I have to take care of it to keep it alive WHAT THE HELL?! I can't do this. I can't take care of anything else. I am so scared to death of what this could possibly be. It's Alex. It could be anything. I just don't want it to be any kind of pet. I would love a plant compared to a pet. I can't take care of it!!!! HELP!!!!! I just want to know what it is. I'm sweating what my parents would say. I'm sweating having to get through the school day with whatever it is. I'm sweating having to take care of whatever this thing is. I don't have room, energy, or time for anything like a pet or anything else I would have to take care of. What am I going to do? What is there for me to do? HELP!!!

great. things are going just great. Chris and I are going out. i guess. i don't know yet. i called him today and talked to him for like 5 min, but he's gonna call me back tonight. i don't know what to do anymore. the buffet is opening on Tues and there's a lot of work left to do. i gotta go there tomorrow after school to do the finishing touches. i'm just so stressed. this is really gonna mess things up with Chris. I always get stressed when we're going out and then we break up because of it. 3 times! i can't stand this! I just want to be with him and have things work out. I want to make it last between us. I want a real relationship with him. I can't wait til the football game. there's a dance afterwards! i hope Chris goes. question is would he dance with me or just be afraid like the rest of the adolescents there? i think he would dance . . .but suck at it. oh well. got nothing much else to say. just waiting for his phone call. i think he's pissed that i said that stuff to him. oh well. forgive and forget he better learn those words because i'm not taking it back. and i shouldn't. football game on fri = FUN. if he doesn't ditch me for a skirt. did last time. i don't know what to do. i just won't get attached right away. just act like i am. hey. done it before. you can definately tell i'm stressed. i'm not even writing sentences or anything that makes sense. it's all just short and to the point. if i were talking, i'd be to the point of mumbling by now. I just want to be with Chris right now. it would make things better. I could try to make things better. yeah. i hope this works out. it hurt the first time, but then i got used to it never working out between us. the last time it hurt because it was over after about 5 days. this one's gonna hurt bad. it's only been a month since the last time we went out. i want this to last. i just wish he wasn't trying to be such a player. i feel like i'm getting played. i probably am. i'm gonna cry now. (ok not really). but i feel like it. i should go. i'm depressed again now. i want to talk to him. he's gotta be pissed at me. this sin't gonna work. updates soon. Belzy

Yeah. Jenn and Brent are now going out and Danielle got upset about it last night because Jenn ditches her to be with him and they hang all over each other. Danielle flipped out and was screaming at them on the bus. kinda funny. had to be there. Chris tried to molest me on Friday last week then asked Amber out at half time. He feels me up during 4th period everyday. He asked Amanda out last night. She didn't give him an answer. He called me today and asked me out. I got pissed off and sent him two text messages back saying: I dunno. how many girls r u gonna ask that question to this week? how many have u already? and I just don't want to be anybodys 2nd or 3rd choice. and thats what i feel like. why do u want to go out w me all of a sudden instead of A&A. I'm going to send him another one tonight if I don't change my mind. I already wrote it. it says that I'm still pissed, but part of me doesn't care so my answer is yes if he still wants to. drama drama drama. I know I shouldn't say yes, but I'm going to put my foot down if he hits on anybody else. Amanda's gonna be pissed. hehehe. yay. I already know what I'm going to say to her. she still hasn't given him an answer. I hope she says no or I'm in trouble. If i'm going to say yes, he's gonna be mine! I'll fight her for him. I got no problem with that. If I'm gonna say no, he's all hers. If she says no and has a problem with me going out with him (I told her I didn't like him) I'll just say "you told me the same thing. we lied to each other. get over it. i did." BOO YAH! ok that was kinda korny, but it came out. oops. I just want to talk to him again. i'm getting pissed. he never returns my texts. he calls me back, but doesn't text. he's cheap. Jenn had her hand between Brent's legs right behind us at the game yesterday, and he kept saying "don't get me all excited". then later she leans in and tells me she gave him a boner. yay. that's just what I wanted to know and see happen. great. check that off the list. >:-( . people amuse me. not. Watching Gladiator now. it's a really good movie. I never saw the whole thing. I'm really getting distracted from it too. with typing and thinking about stupid people and morals. damn morals! why must principals get in the way of me being with Chris? why is he trying to be such a player? no one likes him anyway. he's an asshole most of the time. but there's something about him. I can never stay pissed at him long. I think it's because I always expect him to do something because I know him so well. Too bad him being such a big ass gets in the way. so does Amanda. We've been going off and on for 2 years and 3 times. this will be the 4th if it ever happens. we would make the PERFECT couple if i didn't have morals and he did. Getting away from this subject a little. Justine wants to go clubbing and so do I. when we talk about it, I'm serious and keep saying "ok so when are we going to go?" but she's just serious about clubbing. she knows she'll get caught. i know i won't unless she does. her parents will call mine and i'll get in serious trouble. my parents let me do pretty much whatever i want unless i do something they don't approve of. they trust me and all they do is monitor from a distance and step in when they need to. i run my own life. pretty much. they trust my judgement. i just want to go so i can dance with guys who aren't afraid to. all the guys at school just watch other people dance. it's me a Justine among us who aren't afraid to stand in the middle of the dance floor. we would have last week if there was at least one more person with us. it would have looked wrong if there wasn't. I just want to dance with GUYS! it's no fun without. because without, we all have to share Travis. he's lucky because he's not afraid to grind and he's pretty much guaranteed a dance everytime. there's so many girls to choose from. last week, he got Justine. so did Victor and his friends. hehehe. that was great. Wow. I haven't written in a while and i have a lot of things to write about. I also write a lot in the first place. if i talked this much, i'd suffocate. i just want to go somewhere with a friend and grind and dance with hot guys who i will never see again. what more could a girl ask for? ok. maybe i'm different. what else could i ask for? hmm. a kiss from the hot guy. and plenty of hot guys to choose from. dancing with one all night long is a little too personal for me. but, i don't want a different partner for EVERY dance. i'm picky. so what. hmm. what to say about Chris. I love him but I hate him. wait no. that's wrong. I like him but he irks me. that's more like it. damn my morals! i'm gonna say yes. i'm sick of being alone. and i only have been for about a month. he's actually been my last 3 boyfriends. that's sad! it would have stopped if Jenn didn't get to Brent before i did. but then again, that's probably a good thing. he'd turn me into locker room gossip. substitute his friends and he's a great guy. but he's a virgin and that puts pressure on him to do stuff with a girl. that's the only reason he's with Jenn. and he's said it. I gotta go. been typing for forever. missed half the movie. :-( . wish me luck.

So . . . yeah. This is my life. Wow. It kinda sucks. I go to school, I come home and do homework and then go to sleep for five hours and repeat five times. Then the weekends come around. I sleep in if I'm lucky and spend the entire day doing chores and baking. I've actually gotten "yelled" at for not baking one weekend. It's turning into a job. Then I go to sleep for 7 hours. Repeat twice. Rewind tape please. How did this happen? How did I lose control of my life? How do I get it back? I need help. I have too much to do and not enough time to do it in. No one will help. I don't even know if anyone can help. I wish there was some way I could just take a break and sleep or something. I'm losing time. I don't have any time for myself anymore. I love to write. I don't have time to write. I relax when I write. I have fun when I write. Why can't I write? I'm good. Really good. Even my mom thinks so and she hates me. She nevers compliments me or brags about me to anyone and she thinks I good. But she brags about Justin. don't understand that. I'm actually something to brag about. I don't want to get into that again. It seems like every entry I get into how my parents hate me and love my brother and how my brother is such an imature ass. I feel awful now. I love it when I get sidetracked and for a moment I'm not thinking about how much my parents hate me. Well . . . that moment's over now. bye.

hey. just got back from a game about two hours ago. I haven't written in a while. been really busy. a lot of things have changed. Chris and I have gone out for a few days and then both of us lost interest and broke up unofficially. he's going out with some ugly Shamokin druggie and Amanda is going out with the guy I like. again. i like him again. I feel bad though. she doesn't even like Brent. she told me today. anyway, I just feel completely detatched from all emotion and from everyone. i hate this. i feel so alone. i need someone. a real someone. i'm just so pissed at chris. he's acting like we were never together and that he never liked me. we fight every day. i pretty much tell him that the extent of feelings he has for his "flavor of the week" is that he loves just having a girlfriend. then he gets mad because he thinks i'm saying that he's just like James, well, no i'm not. James is better than that. he's a 2 week man. Chris will never have a real girlfriend, he will never know what a meaningful relationship is. i feel bad for him. but he hurt me. real bad. and hurting me is almost impossible. after last week, i feel cheap and used. he thinks i'm an ugly, fat, cold-hearted bitch. well, doesn't everbody? I'm not fat. I'm no size 4, but I'm not fat. ugly . . . yeah right. I'm pretty damn hot if I take the extra ten minutes every morning to go out the door looking decent. cold-hearted . . . not really. I don't have sympathy for people, but I do love with a full heart. bitch . . . . . . . . . well, I can't really deny that. It's a defense mechanism. That's pretty much it. so . . . yeah . . . he would think I'm a bitch. but he deserves it. he's such a big asshole. I think he lost interest in me when he brought up sex and I told him I would never sleep with him. hey. just being honest here. he's not the kind of guy i want to sleep with. first of all, i'm 15. i'm keeping my virginity until i'm 18. that way, I'm not living at home anymore and my parents will know nothing about my sex life. I don't know if I'll actually keep it until I'm 18. I'm trying though. somedays i just think that i'll never be able to really love anybody. because i don't. even my own parents. and it upsets me. my mom hugged me yesterday and i felt nothing. the last time she hugged me was 2 months ago when i blacked out in the mall and i got a lecture with that too. i feel like no one loves me and no one cares how i feel. i can't break down either. i don't have time. i don't even have time to sleep. i'm always doing homework. i had 4 test today and i only knew about 2 and blew off the 1. i didn't study for any, and failed at least one. i'm up all night studying and doing homework and it doesn't matter because i don't sleep and i wake up tired and can't think. it's a cycle that never ends, keeps getting worse, and leaves me feeling brain dead and helpless. it's tomorrow already. i better go. not like i can sleep anyway. i just need somebody to talk to and tell me that everything's gonna be alright. I'm tired of being alone and depressed. I don't know if I'm medically depressed or just tired, but I know something's not right. i'm actually crying right now because it's only the second week of school and I can't deal. i gotta go. wish me zzzz's.

Chris called me this morning and left a message on my voicemail. My phone went dead sometime last night and I didn't realize it until now. Anyway, I called him a few minutes ago and he was really happy that I called! He told me he was golfing and about to tee off when his phone rang. Him being so happy to talk to me with timing like that is good news! He said he was about to tee off and it's supposed to be quite and his phone started ringing. hehehe . . .oops. Anyway I asked if he wanted me to call him back later and he said yeah! much appreciated if you did! I'm gonna call him back about 6:00 when he said he'd be done. To all those out there reading this who think all this is stupid and mushy, I don't care. It makes me happy. I miss him. These little things mean a lot to me. I'll get back to you in a couple of hours if anything exciting happens with us. Oh yeah. Rookie Show was last night! hehehe! My section sucks! They all walk around like their necks are broken. They were clueless as to where they were going and out of step like you could not believe. Anyway, I won the competition by default last night. Alisha really won, but was disqualified because she won before. I got to go up on the tower and watch the whole show and get out of doing the final run-through. It was good because I got to see how my section is messing up and how I need to work on it. Music-wise, they need me. They're too quiet. They don't know the music unless I'm out there playing and they can listen and follow along. They're getting better though. I hate to sound superior, but they're pissing me off. I felt better after the Rookie Show though. They all realized that they do have to listen to the veterans and rehearsal went better after it. still have to work on a lot of things though. I'm talking about just the Rookies. Amanda's good, Danielle's better this year, Trish isn't bad. Them I don't have to worry about. They can take care of themselves. But Brianne, Brooke, Dee, and April I do. Oh well. It will probably get better. I'm getting miserable talking about band. I don't wanna anymore. I'll just have to think about Chris and wait until 6:00! talk to ya then.

Chris texted me yesterday. he and amanda broke up and he told me first. i'm talking to him right now. His text said, "Hey great news im single call me." I sent him one back today that said, "just got ur message. you broke up? why what happened?". Anyway, he got it and called me and he was saying that she broke up with him throught a text and said she wasn't ready for a boyfriend at that time. Real reason: Chris isn't James. Anyway, I think that Chris and I might get back together. At least I hope so. I'll admit it. I'm still hung up over him. But I think so because we're really good friends, everytime something went wrong with him and Amanda he came running to me, he told me the good news first, and he was hinting about getting a new girlfriend. Yay! Even if we don't get back together, I still feel great that after all we've been through, we can still be real good friends. I just don't want to get my hopes up and have to see him with another girl again. I want this to work out. I'm tired of being alone and I want him back. Today is a good day. g2g.

why does this summer have to end? I'm not done with it yet! We start school next Monday, and I am so behind on everything. I can't believe how fast everything got ruined and all my plans went to hell. I even quit field hockey to give me more time to take care of everything and it didn't help. I miss field hockey. I just want everything to balance out and I want to get my life back. I'm tired of running from everything. I want to get everything over and done with so that I can have my life back, but I don't have the energy. When will I ever? Isn't there anybody who can help? I have too much to do and too many people depending on me. I spend more time trying not to shutdown than actually trying to do what I have to do. I just want to get this all figured out so that I can regain some sanity and peace of mind. Because without it, what else am I? Nobody? I don't want to find out.

Well, I actually got to drive today. My dad took me out around the house and yard and gave me a whole big lesson any everything. Parking, backing up, turn signals, even parallel parking. it was kinda cool. stressful! never drove before really. I did really good though! I've been watching my brother when he drives and learning that way, so I didn't hit anything and I backed up about 100 yards up our driveway almost perfectly. I think I'll do pretty good when I turn 16. I finally finished my diary! It's so beauty-full! Hopefully I'll remember to write in it. I hate how I never have time to anything for myself. I feel like everyone has just up and decided to grab a limb and pull. Well, I think I've run out of limbs. What are they going to pull next? eww. do I even want to know? I got the "Anthem" stuck in my head. Also known as "The Band Bus Theme Song" and "The Real Alma Mater". Record companies chose to call it "What's Your Fantasy". You know: "What's Your Fantasy" (feat. Shawna) [Ludacris] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Give it to me now, give it to me now Give it to me now, give it to me now [Shawna] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Give it to me now, give it to me now Give it to me now.. [Chorus: Ludacris, then Shawna *2X*] I wanna, li-li-li-lick you from yo' head to yo' toes And I wanna, move from the bed down to the down to the to the flo' Then I wanna, ahh ahh - you make it so good I don't wanna leave But I gotta, kn-kn-kn-know what-what's your fan-ta-ta-sy [Ludacris] I wanna get you in the Georgia Dome on the fifty yard line While the Dirty Birds kick for t'ree And if you like in the club we can do it In the DJ booth or in the back of the V.I.P. Whipped cream with cherries and strawberries on top Lick it don't stop, keep the door locked don't knock while the boat rock We go-bots and robots so they gotta wait til the show stop Or how 'bout on the beach with black sand Lick up your thigh then call me the Pac Man Table top or just give me a lap dance The Rock to the Park to the Point to the Flatlands That man Ludacris (woo) in the public bathroom Or in back of a classroom How ever you want it lover lover gonna tap that ass soon See I cast 'em and I past 'em get a tight grip and I grasp 'em I flash 'em and out last 'em And if ain't good then I trash 'em while you stash 'em I'll let 'em free And the tell me what they fantasy Like up on the roof roof tell yo boyfriend not to be mad at me [Chorus] [Ludacris] I wanna get you in the bath tub With the candle lit you give it up till they go out Or we can do it on stage of the Ludacris concert Cause you know I got sold out Or red carpet dick could just roll out Go 'head and scream you can't hold out We can do it in the pouring rain Runnin the train when it's hot or cold out How 'bout in the library on top of books But you can't be too loud You wanna make a brother beg for it Give me TLC 'cause you know I be too proud We can do it in the white house Tryna make them turn the lights out Champaign with my campaign let me do the damn thing What's my name, what's my name, what's my name a sauna, jacuzzi In the back row at the movie You can stratch my back and rule me You can push me or just pull me On hay in middle of the barn (woo) rose pedals on the silk sheets uh Eating fresh fruits sweep yo woman right off her feet [Chorus] [Ludacris] I wanna get you in the back seat windows up That's the way you like to fuck, clogged up fog alert Rip the pants and rip the shirt, ruff sex make it hurt In the garden all in the dirt Roll around Georgia Brown that's the way I like it twerk Legs jerk, overworked, underpaid but don't be afraid In the sun or up in the shade On the top of my escalade Maybe your girl and my friend can trade; tag team, off the ropes! On the ocean or in the boat! Factories or on hundred spokes! What about up in the candy sto' that chocolate chocolate make it melt Whips and chains, handcuffs, smack a little booty up with my belt Scream help play my game; dracula man I'll get my fangs Horseback and I'll get my reigns, school teacher let me get my grades [Chorus - repeat 4X] *will love this song till the day our band bus rides with Amanda, Justine, and Sam end* (hopefully never). There are few things that can cheer me up nowadays, but that always seems to be one of them. I remember the one day after school when we stayed after before the football game: Nikki and Tyler were sitting against the wall in the gym lobby and me, Justine, and Amanda were sitting on a folded up table in front of the soda machine. Amanda had her cd player and the three of us were listening to "What's Your Fantasy" and singing along really loud and in the middle of the chorus, some guy walks in, gives us a really weird look, and gets a soda from across the lobby! We busted out laughing! It was *the* greatest after school band moment ever! Had to be there! Kinda a little depressed now, though. Amanda and Chris are going out. Well, Chris and I have an interesting history. First time we went out, he was showing off to his friends and made up little stories about us. I found out and broke up with him. Second time, I was really stressed, he was too clingy, I got pissed off and dumped him. No matter how much we have hated each other at times, when we're not together, we are best friends. Anyway, Amanda and Chris are going out. Chris likes Amanda, Amanda is just flattered and full of herself. She does like him though . . .maybe . . .anyway, every chance she gets, she ignores him or ditches him to be with one of her friends. She's done that before and then it's me left with Chris to talk. Well, last night at the Numedia Carnival, Chris talked to Alyssa Carl for 2 minutes and Amanda got pissed off at him. When I got there, Chris and I got to talking for about a minute while walking around the baseball field, and Amanda decided to run off with Steph about 100 yards and talk on their own. this continued forever. Amanda and Steph running off, walking fast, hiding behind trash cans. I finally went to Amanda and asked her why she was trying to ditch Chris. She didn't say anything, but made more of an effort to stop. Towards the beginning of the carnival, Amanda and Steph were talking about something and Amanda said, "Do you second it?". Steph said yeah, they told Justin to say he thirds it. he did. they asked me if I fourthed it. I said no because they were probably talking about me. Chris never gave an answer. None of us knew what was going on. Anyway, Amanda finally told what it was she said and it was that she thought Chris and I looked good together. When Justine was walking around with us, Amanda asked her and she agreed. Well, right now, that makes me want to cry. I miss Chris. He is deefinately not as much of a jerk as he was before, but the problem is, if we ever get a chance to go out again, I don't know if we could make it work. We are perfect as friends, but more? who knows if it'll ever work. But Chris . . . he's my anchor, he's my Dawson. He's the guy I will always care about. Amanda ran off with Steph and Chris got mad and sat down and told me to sit down too (thinking back *heart flutter, flutter*) so I did, and they got pissed off and sat down 100 feet away for about 10 minutes, then stood up and took another lap. Chris and I got to talking, all alone in the dark, kind of nice. It made me feel close to him again. When we met up with Steph and Amanda again, we sat down and talked and looked at the stars, all four of us. It hurt though because amanda was upset and Chris just sat there holding her. I always wanted that from him. I guess what I got was better though. He can actually talk to me. anyway, I don't want to get attached to him because there's not a chance now. he's got someone. It was nice though.

School is starting next Monday and I am totally not looking forward to it! I have to finish The Grapes of Wrath for English, I have to finish my Alg. 2 work and I still have to go shopping for a new bookbag because mine fell apart at the end of the year. help! ah. ok. got that out. so . . . how's everybody? haven't written in forever. really busy. as you can tell. band camp went ok. very stressful. i was up til at least 11 every night studing the drill and making set books. call me crazy if you wish, but it paid off. I finally fixed my diary! Isn't it pretty?! well . . . sort of. still a work in progress, but at least it doesn't look like barf anymore. I have to fix a few colors and see how I like it but, it's so much better! still trying to figure out how to get pictures and pretty backgrounds on it. byrdy showed me, but I forget. thanks Audra for the Happy BDay. I just saw it today. means a lot to me. Byrdy! I'm gonna miss you in comp apps! sob! we aren't gonna have any classes together are we? unless you're taking mark/manag or doing FBLA. gonna miss you byrdy! football games though. always fun! and dances! never forget those.

Well . . .school's over . . .finals are over . . .yipee . . .right? wrong. i am bored out of my mind and have nothing to do. i'm going with my asshole brother and rhiannon and nick to knoebels tomorrow . . .yay. actually, i am excited about it. i get to get away from the house for an entire day. i'm just happy that i made it through my freshman year and still got into honors society. finally. my birthday was yesterday. it was boring. i couldn't have a party because my parents thought the house was too messy to invite people over. it's not that bad. we'd be outside all day anyway and no one would care. the pool's not even ready yet. we're still dumping chemicals in and shocking the hell out of it. please tell me somebody knows what i'm talking about. i was supposed to start working out for field hockey today. i didn't. i just sat on my ass for half the day. the first half i helped my brother till the garden and rake the grass and roots out of the dirt then put in trelices we made for the peas. then swept the cement chips off the patio then took everything off the porch and hosed it down and cleaned it. the worst part about that was when i had to put it all back on. anyway . . .i'm slowing losing what's left of the small shred of sanity i previously possessed. i don't know what to do anymore. people in general drive me crazy. some more than others . . .cough cough . . .family . . .more specifically brother. dumbass. anyway . . . i gotta go. still trying to figure out something that looks good for my background and stuff. I have no clue. it's like chaos was spinning around so much that it all threw up and left something that looks like my diary. i hate it. it's a work in progress . . .still. i tried to change it but i only got through half and the rest i just said screw it. i always feel better after that. i think i tell the world to go screw itself at least twice a day. i think three might do it: world: go fuck the hell out of yourself. ahh. that's better. see you all in august.

Hey. I know it's been forever since I've written in my diary. I miss it! I'm back though. It's been so chaotic! I can't believe it! Finals are next week and I've been pulling my hair out and been as stressed as a chicken running around with it's head cut off. Like my description? I'm sorry to all that have left comments that I never got back to. Audra, I'm glad you feel honored. I never did check out your diary though. I'll have to get to that. Well, I don't really have much to say at all . . .just writing cuz I finally got the chance. Well, byes.

Ok, so Audra i know you have a diary here now, so i called this entry bleh just for you! if you read this, i checked out your diary and it's awesome! much better than mine. i feel like changing around my diary, but i don't know what to do . . .thinking black with white pink and green . . .or blue with white orange and green . . .i dunno. thinking about brent again . . .i miss him . . .i want to be his girlfriend . . .he's kinda too tall for me, but he's cute . . .what else matters right? i had plans to go to the mall tonite but my ride never showed up, so tonite's gonna be a big bore! i don't really have much to say . . .just felt like writing again. get back to ya when something exciting happens (if ever). Byes

I've been meaning to write about what happened last week at our school. I didn't really know how to say it until I read Rinnie's diary . . .(blinkgirl) . . .this is what she wrote about it: April 6,2005 so lastnight a senior in my school was killed in a car accident. some guy ran a stop sign and hit her car..her and her grandmother died.i didnt know her personally but it's rilly sad...thats the third death in our school this year..bad shit just keeps happening..two football players die...a girls house burns down..2 weeks ago a teachers house burnt down..and carrissa berkheiser is gone...just not a good year for southern....today when i got into school so many people were crying...all the hallways were silent...hardly n e one was in them...it was so creepy...then they made a statemeant about her death...it just breaks ur heart..she was 2 months away from graduating..she was the homecoming queen too...pray for our lost students. couldn't have said it any better. P.S. Erin, hope you don't mind me using this. It's kind of a way for me to just remember what's happened. Byes.

I have gone through so much in the past few days, I'm going crazy! I had the worst "stress attack" in my life this Sunday. I broke out in a rash, I had really bad chest pains, and I felt like I couldn't breathe. It lasted forever! Ouch! I don't know what to do anymore. I finally told Nikki that I'm completely head-over-heels for B****. I think he might be too. I dunno. Jared and BJ were acting a little strange today. I dunno if he said anything to them about me, or if they're making fun of me because I'm flirting with him. It was a little odd. Oh well. I miss him! I think he was having a bad day. He didn't seem so happy. I had to give my speech in Choices today. It was OK. There weren't so many people and I was fine. I blushed, but that's it. It wasn't bad. I got 18/20. Not bad. Oh! Guess what! I got 96.902 as my GPA this marking period! Yes! That's a first in forever! I'm so happy. Well, as far as happy goes when you feel like a big load of crap. Ding Ding Ding. Who could be the person I'm talking about? Me! yay. I really don't feel so good right now . . .feel like gonna throw up any minute . . .*moans* . . .I got a new phone today. Finally. I spent the last 2 hours setting up everything. Yippe. I have my business project to work on for Computer Apps. Ya know, they blocked this diary site at school. Oh! Wait! They changed the site! Maybe I can still get it! Yay! hahahahahaha. I hope . . .still feel sick . . .wondering what other peoples have been up to . . .maybe I should check out their diaries . . .gonna do that now. Byes. P.S. if I throw up, I'll get back to you. Byes

Here are some funny quotes. I thought they might humor you. "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." - Sharon Stone "I worship the quicksand he walks in." - Art Buchwald "God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time." - Robin Williams "It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant." - Richard J. Ferris, president of United Airlines "Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me." - Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914) "Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die." - Mel Brooks "First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win." - Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948) "I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters." - Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)

Ok. I'm in the middle of a huge dilemma right now. Alex told me at lunch that he's been going out with Sam for six months (it's actually five months) and that nothing has happened and he wants to break up with her. I tried talking him out of it, but than he said he was going to break up with her for me. I hope he's not serious because I don't like him like that. At all. I tried talking to Sam about maybe her making a move. They both want to, just neither of them have the balls. I was teasing Sam by telling her to just go up to him and give him a big smoochie. She just smiled. She would never. She's too shy to make the first move. If I were her and I felt the way she does about my boyfriend . . . if there was nothing going on, I'd make something go on!!! Ya know? This is me we're talking about. Nikki knows nothing about my limits. She calls me Queen of Prude Island. Yeah right! Just with Chris. He is so annoying! And Clingy! And sadly, I was never attracted to him in the first place. He was just the first guy to come along after a long dry spot. It's sad. I know. I like someone completely new now. I think Mary likes him too. But I don't care. I would kill her for this one. (metaphorically speaking of course). We're actually writing a book that we're going to print and hand out to all our guy friends. It's stuff that girls want guys to know, but they're never paying enough attention to figure out. There's this one section we're putting in that's called "25 Things Girls Love About Guys". My favorite two go like this: 17. How they can always reach the top shelf and open that jar. 18. Their face when they can't open the jar and have to get you to. It's gonna turn out great. It's so funny. We had Alex read it today along with my current "heart throb". Anyway, back to the big dilemma. I don't know what to do. I've already told him that I wouldn't go out with him if he broke up with Sam. I think he's serious about liking me though. He's been hitting on me for the past week. It's really getting to Sam. I have to get them lovey-dovey and makey-outey. Partly for my sake, but even if I wasn't part of it, I'd want to do something. Maybe I'll figure things out. G2G. Byes.

I just told 2 people that I like someone, and I don't even know if I really do. I'm so stupid. They're going to tell other people who will tell his girlfriend and she'll get ticked at me. I don't want to deal with any petty problems like that. I like him a little more than a friend, and that's it . . .for now. But Chrissie and Sam think I'm madly in love with him and didn't give me chance to explain. I didn't even want Chrissie to know. It's not that I don't trust her. It's that I don't know if I can trust her. He CAN'T know. Especially since it's not entirely true. I'm just worrying over him finding out and getting scared away for nothing. He's just a close friend, but I said that because I feel comfortable and safe around him. Like nothing could ever go wrong. I want to take it back. His exgirlfriend is my friend and she would kill me if she thought I liked him. Even if she wasn't in the picture I wouldn't like him all that much now. It's not like I'm deathly afraid of her getting mad at me, so I won't like him. You can't control who you love or like. I guess it all boils down to this: I'm afraid of people finding out something personal about me that's not entirely true and starting a fight over it. Been there, done that. Deja vu just isn't what it used to be. I guess I'm just upset that my love life is currently flushing itself down the toilet and there's always something or someone standing in the way of me having a decent relationship. Hopefully something will work out. I just wish I didn't say anything. My big mouth has cost me lots in the past . . . hmmm . . . how long would it be . . . uh . . . life! I just can't keep stuff to myself anymore. Gotta love diaries. Boy can I type forever. I'm probably gonna just finish this, check out byrdy's and rin's stuff and then go think about this and call myself stupid a million times. Kay? Byes.