hey. just got back from a game about two hours ago. I haven't written in a while. been really busy. a lot of things have changed. Chris and I have gone out for a few days and then both of us lost interest and broke up unofficially. he's going out with some ugly Shamokin druggie and Amanda is going out with the guy I like. again. i like him again. I feel bad though. she doesn't even like Brent. she told me today. anyway, I just feel completely detatched from all emotion and from everyone. i hate this. i feel so alone. i need someone. a real someone. i'm just so pissed at chris. he's acting like we were never together and that he never liked me. we fight every day. i pretty much tell him that the extent of feelings he has for his "flavor of the week" is that he loves just having a girlfriend. then he gets mad because he thinks i'm saying that he's just like James, well, no i'm not. James is better than that. he's a 2 week man. Chris will never have a real girlfriend, he will never know what a meaningful relationship is. i feel bad for him. but he hurt me. real bad. and hurting me is almost impossible. after last week, i feel cheap and used. he thinks i'm an ugly, fat, cold-hearted bitch. well, doesn't everbody? I'm not fat. I'm no size 4, but I'm not fat. ugly . . . yeah right. I'm pretty damn hot if I take the extra ten minutes every morning to go out the door looking decent. cold-hearted . . . not really. I don't have sympathy for people, but I do love with a full heart. bitch . . . . . . . . . well, I can't really deny that. It's a defense mechanism. That's pretty much it. so . . . yeah . . . he would think I'm a bitch. but he deserves it. he's such a big asshole. I think he lost interest in me when he brought up sex and I told him I would never sleep with him. hey. just being honest here. he's not the kind of guy i want to sleep with. first of all, i'm 15. i'm keeping my virginity until i'm 18. that way, I'm not living at home anymore and my parents will know nothing about my sex life. I don't know if I'll actually keep it until I'm 18. I'm trying though. somedays i just think that i'll never be able to really love anybody. because i don't. even my own parents. and it upsets me. my mom hugged me yesterday and i felt nothing. the last time she hugged me was 2 months ago when i blacked out in the mall and i got a lecture with that too. i feel like no one loves me and no one cares how i feel. i can't break down either. i don't have time. i don't even have time to sleep. i'm always doing homework. i had 4 test today and i only knew about 2 and blew off the 1. i didn't study for any, and failed at least one. i'm up all night studying and doing homework and it doesn't matter because i don't sleep and i wake up tired and can't think. it's a cycle that never ends, keeps getting worse, and leaves me feeling brain dead and helpless. it's tomorrow already. i better go. not like i can sleep anyway. i just need somebody to talk to and tell me that everything's gonna be alright. I'm tired of being alone and depressed. I don't know if I'm medically depressed or just tired, but I know something's not right. i'm actually crying right now because it's only the second week of school and I can't deal. i gotta go. wish me zzzz's.