So I'm sitting on bed... feeling kinda miserable and alone... for no apparent reason. Well, actually I lie, there is a reason. And that is because I am so fedup with myself and my life. I look back a couple of years ago... and I used to be happy... I used to feel normal. Now my life is crumbling down around me and I'm turning into miserable emotionless lonely person. I'm 19... I should be going out partying all the time. I should be out there meeting people. I should be out there making huge mistakes and learning from them. I should be doing a lot of things that I am not. It all went downhill when I broke up with my boyfriend, which now must be like a year ago. I broke up with him because I was scared. Being with him made me really nervous... don't ask me why. I developed a routine where I'd just get so nervous that I would end up throwing up every night I was out with him - whether we were at a club, pub, the beach or a mates house. We never really had alone time because of my stupid nerves. I didn't want to make a fool of myself. I told him about this problem I had... and he accepted it - it didn't put him off me at all. I will never ever understand why it didn't scare him or put him off me. It was getting to the point where I didn't go out much, and when we were at parties I would leave early. I just couldn't handle it anymore. I decided that I couldn't put this poor guy, who hadn't been anything but lovely and respectful to me, through it anymore. So I broke up with him. I thought that we would be able to be friends after that. But instead, I felt even more uncomfortable around him. I made myself believe that he hated me. And so slowly we drifted out of contact... and I haven't heard from him in months. I don't think he was 'the one', indeed I try to convince myself that he wasn't... but I do think about him constantly... basically everyday. I wonder what might have been... if I wasn't so fucked up. Since I broke up with him I have drifted apart from the rest of 'the group of friends'. And, with no word from them in a while - I am convinced they have forgotten about me. Even though we were friends throughout school. Yep, I'm a sad miserable girl who is destined to die alone. I am becoming more and more frightened of the 'real world'. And hardly ever feel comfortable in a club. The thought of being in another relationship scares the shit out of me... and so I avoid relationships at all costs. Will I ever experience real love? .................................................................. I have nothing to offer anyone... I am not: - pretty enough - skinny enough - smart enough - funny enough - crazy enough - confident enough - sexy enough I will never be enough ...I am probably the most forgettable person that people will ever meet. ...even most of my 'friends' seem to have forgotten about me... ...they don't care