Ok... so now I'm a TA second period for Mac and it's fucking awesome! But the reason I feel embarrassed is because they do admit slips in Creative Writing (which is the class I TA for) and there were two about me. One I know was from Max because she called me Rae-chan... and shes the only one that can do that. And the other, I think, was from Brandon because what was written seems like something he would write. I still kind of think that he likes me but that he's afraid of it. And he has a girlfriend. So I really don't know. I hate it because it's so confusing. Anyway... I'm gonna cut this entry short so that Mac doesn't come over here and like, read it or something. :) And that's that...

people keep telling me that it's a bad idea for me to have guy friends. Then I ask why and they tell me that it's because I'm weak. Ya know... when you have friends they are supposed to tell you that they believe in you. When they tell you that you're weak it doesn't really help all the work you accomplish with your counselor. Basically I was told by my counselor that I'm a "people pleaser"... basically that I don't have the ability to tell guys no. That's why I've been taken advantage of so many times. And it just pisses me off the people think that they can tell me to not hang out with someone because they think that I'll be taken advantage of. I was to the point that if I got asked by a guy to do something that I could weasel my way out of it through changing the subject and avoiding it... I'm not to the point yet that I can say no outright. But after all my friends told me they think I'm weak and so they don't want me hanging out with my ex-boyfriend who is visiting from Germany in November. First of all... Felix would never do that. And two... I WAS doing fine with my self-confidence until my fucking "friends" had to open their mouths.

I just read online that some scientists at some college are researching ways to prevent lymphomic cancer. If these fucking people had started earlier they might have been able to save Breezie instead of her having to be put down in 2 months. (hopefully more than 2 months... Dawn did say she could be around for another year... but i don't want to get my hopes up.) god damn science... always too late

So I went to prom last night and it was awesome! I had this dress that looked like it was Belle's from Beauty and the Beast. Went with Max, Ian, Claire, Kristen, and Doug. Kristen and I ate at the Space Needle and the rest of them ate at the Melting Pot. It was so much fun. I got to get my nails done and I got a pedicure. I love being a girl! When we came back I spent the night at Max's and Danny and Doug stayed with us too. We stayed up until 4am and watched The Chronicles of Riddick. That's a pretty cool movie and I found out, from Max, that Vin Diesel announced that he is gay. NOOO!!! god dammit! all the hot ones are gay! Well anyways... I gotta do homework, guh.

happy birthday

breezie has cancer... there are tumors all over her body... we have to put her down sometime in the near future... zoltan hasn't said when yet... ... i can't lose my best friend... why does the world have to be so fucking unfair... why breezie? it comes to one horse in every ten thousand! why her? what did she do?! why does breezie have to die? the pain of it all makes you never want to buy another horse and become attached to it like it's your best friend in the whole world. ...the bond that you get with your horse... geez... so strong if there is a god in this world... i say: fuck you, you fucking bastard.

It feels slightly odd to come back to SitDiary after such a long absence. I guess you could say that I took a hiatus (or however you spell it) from the internet, and computer in general really. So anyway... I'm back again and it's time to so some updating. Felix - We are no longer dating. He wrote me an e-mail telling me that I was neglecting him and mistreating him because I would not come online as much as I used to because I was always working. He also told me: "if you don't know why I'm doing this then you should look in the mirror or ask your ''friends.''" That wasn't taken too well. And it made Danny pissed as all hell. Woe the day that Felix returns to the island and sees Danny, or any of my other friends (yes I HAVE friends, you loser). Ok... done with bitch mode there. That will be my only outburst for this entry... I'm cutting myself off. (thank god) Danny - We started dating September 19, 2004 and are still going strong. He's so awesome. He's not too emotional and not too masculine... he's right in the middle. I got Danny into choir and even convinced him to try out for the spring musical at school and he made it! I'm also proud of him for singing a solo (Your Song - Elton John) at this year's Spring Fling, which is put on by our choir. Um... what else can I say? Hmmm... Danny I love you. Brandi - She ditched Terrance (the psycho!) and is now dating Danny's friend Kelly (who is hilarious!). They really seem to be doing well because their personalities are similar and they enjoy doing the same things. That's about it I think for major updates... hmmm... I GOT NEW FURNITURE! WOOT! uhh... yeah, I got an armoire and a bookshelf and my room now feels complete. :) Well anyways I've just been dinking around and now I'm not working until summer so I can work on my grades so hopefully I'll have some more time to post and get in touch with some old friends.

felix is drinking again. he knows how much I despise drinking. but no... does it anyway. I asked him to promise me to only drink on occasions such a christmas with family. that sort of thing. he promised me he would do that for me. obviously he broke that promise. I promised him in the beginning months of our relationship that I wouldn't smoke pot anymore. What did I do? kept my promise! I haven't even gone near pot since I made that promise. Even if I get pissed at felix sometimes, I know I still love him and that his opinion still matters to me. So I kept my promise.

Well I believe its time for an update. I actually have some time for this. Yay! OK! First of all! I'M NOT BLONDE ANYMORE! woot! Well... technically I am still blonde... its just a dirty blonde and not an intense white blonde. Plus I got auburn streaks in my hair and it looks natural and its really cool. My mom actually likes it. Anyways... Danny and I are doing good. We're hanging out a lot and having fun. I'm not working so much at the moment. So I'm just busy with school... teachers are piling on a lot of homework before winter break. i have a test on tuesday in geometry and then we get to watch a movie on thursday in that class because we don't have anything to do after the test. YAY! So.. I'm just trying to find a day to go christmas shopping. I got my parents presents already (a $50 gift certificate to Eddie Bauer for my dad and a bottle of Hanae Mori perfume for my mom) and I also got Kelly's gift. He won't expect it. He peed in a bottle one day and then when I teased him about it he said "That's the beauty of pee... it's endless!" and thats what i got on some stickers for him from stickerjunkie.com So I still have a lot more presents to buy. I have no idea what to buy for danny... any good ideas from guys out there? (he wants me to get some satiny lingere stuff... riiiight)

I don't even know what to say anymore. Felix writes these entries like "wtf...she doesn't come online when she says she will... she doesn't call... she must not love me" well, I do love you. believe whatever you want, i'm tired of proving it all the time because you should just know it. i'm tired of doing a lot of things lately. i've definetly changed. i don't like to spend a lot of my time on the internet anymore because i'm actually starting to enjoy hanging out with my friends. i never really liked to before, and now... i just do. i'm tired of explaining my actions to people so i'll write it here for the last time. if people wanna know... they can come here. i have a life that i want to live and to me that means being outside my house IN the world... not just in my house secluded from the world. i'm being a teenager while i still can and just having fun and doing what i want. i don't really like to talk on the phone or sit in front of a computer for hours. journal entries i don't mind. but when it comes to people i definetly prefer IN PERSON social interation rather than internet interaction. ok.. done If i've changed for the worse in any shape or form. deal with it. change happens. if you loved me before then why should that change just because i do? i haven't changed for the worse. it probably seems like it to you (you know who you are) because you're never here and that's what really makes a relationship... spending time together. so stop wondering why things don't work when we try and realize that you need to get your ass to where i am if you want anything from me. sorry if i seem bitchy but to be truthful, right now, I am a bitch. I'm actually standing up for myself for once so get over it. ...oh, and stop harassing my friends for Danny's e-mail. just talk to him when he's here and stop being such a fucking pansy.

Screaming at the top of her lungs what did I do now mom? what do I ever do wrong? she's always exploding like a bomb... I want to tell her I hate you - so leave and never come back why won't you just let me go? set me free leave dad alone you fucking bitch don't even call on the phone... I never want to talk to you again you make life a living nitemare always needing to have things your way nothing with you is ever fair... So bye and get lost no polite goodbyes you don't deserve them I'm done with all your lies...

Travelling deeper and deeper never knowing your direction the path keeps getting steeper and steeper Walking further and longer sometimes making choices most times getting stronger Running into the unknown sometimes falling but while getting back up again always stalling Too far down to want to try always wanting to do nothing but cry people just label you with brands no one ever understands Everything isn't just lies don't hide from reality and stop with these whys people cut themselves, it happens Try to understand don't make a big scene once they figure things out the slate will be wiped clean

So I went to this Youth Suicide Prevention workshop today with Kristen, Max, and Sam. Everything was ok with Kristen and Max but Sam came to the whole thing with a bad attitude. She slept through the whole thing, didn't do group activities with us, and when she wasn't sleeping she drew pictures of stars. Go figure... but anyways. We got back to the Teen Center and she started yelling at Max saying that we left her out the whole day. Which we didn't... ask Shannon, our supervisor, she saw the whole day how we were trying to include her and she basically told us to fuck off. So then Max got frustrated with having to defend herself from Sam's accusations and said "We need to get this done... it's important, so if you can't be productive with us then I think you should leave." She didn't even say it harshly, she said it as nice as it could have been said. And then Sam ran at her with her fist in the air and just decked Max across the face. Sam later said that Max had tried to strangle her and thats why she hit Max but Kristen and I were witnesses and we saw everything. Then Kristen held back Max and I held back Sam and Sam got all bitchy and shoved me so that I fell over and was like "Get the fuck away from me!" and I'm supposedly her friend... and I was helping to keep them from killing eachother... so yeah. Shes a bitch. Max is probably going to file assault charges on Sam so that she can learn that she can't always rely on blaming her anger management problem to get out of shit like this. No matter what problem you have, violence is not the answer. (I know it's cliche but its so true!) So yeah... I'm done with Sam.

The world is so big and we are so small but on our own little island we don't feel small at all Somewhere right now children are sleeping and not so far away someone is weeping The world needs to open it's eyes become aware of it's surroundings filled with sadness and goodbyes why must we live this way? Will we ever be free of out burden? filled with racism and greed maybe it will happen in my lifetime but one day I know we'll be freed

i hate work... i hate school... i hate parents.. i hate me... i hate everything... god damn... such a shitty mood... dunno why... *sigh* My sticker says... "Too bad stupidity isn't painful." It amuses me... icky stupid people --------------------------------------------- My heart feels as if it's being crushed when my eyes find yours making the world seem hushed That's when your voice fills my head "I can tell you things my friends don't know" then why do I feel so dead? Youd said I was a mistake that statement is mostly true it was a mistake to give my heart to you I trusted you too well thinking we could share something special but no, it was like a spell A love spell that confuses the mind tearing away at the heart and soul I think peace is something I'll never find... ...no more pain

uh...... hmm.... damn... dunno what to say... .............oh! my horse fell on me, i can say that. yeah, she really did, she tripped and landed "KER-SPLAT" on me. Think i just tore my leg muscle but nothing too bad. I'll live. Felix thought I had brain damage because thats what liz said but i think she meant breezie possibly because breezie landed on her head. but shes fine, we had her checked and shes ok. so thats all good. dum dee dum... i don't have to work until monday cuz of my leg, woot! My first weekend off in forever! yeah! i miss felix... dayum... i really wish he'd come here for christmas, but i understand why he doesn't want to come. It will be cool that he could be here as soon as may of this coming year. That would be so awesome! I can't wait to see him again. :) Well I gotta go cuz i'm talking to felix right now and i don't want him to wait. :D

I'm so tired of working... Jamie scheduled me everyday of the week except wednesdays. My parents say I don't do anything and that they work harder than me... bull... I go to school from 7:45am-2:50pm and then usually to work from 3:00pm-8:00pm... so thats what... a 13 hour days plus about 2 hours of homework a night... yeah 15 hours... and WHO does more work? hmmm... oh well.. danny is sick and i think he got me sick dammit... i haven't even kissed him for 2 weeks and he still got me sick... little shit. BUH... well I have to go to dinner with my parents and my grandma tonite... shoot me now, in the face... ah well its free food...

A shadow falls across her face, what is she doing, here in this place? He told her that he'd take her to her house, she suddenly was frightened, a timid little mouse. Why was he doing this? Coming at her with his hand in a fist. Forcing her down, feeling her up, a yelp escaped her lips like that of a newborn pup. She told him to stop, begging now, sweat beginning to form on her brow. He pushed her on, not caring about her cries, the tears rolled down her cheeks while he filled her with lies. Keep it a secret, he said, no one can know... ...no one must ever know...

I'm feeling slightly better. Felix and I are on speaking terms. I'm glad that we're able to talk and I think we're both not mad at eachother or anything. I hope we stay friends until the time is right, I don't want to lose contact with him. Oh... and I wrote a new poem... I'll put it in a different post because it has nothing to do with Felix and I don't want people to get confused. Sorry if you're mad felix... i don't know why you would be and i don't see any reason for you to be. i hope we can talk about this.

...felix wrote me an e-mail and asked "WTF, Rae? You don't even love Danny???? Then please do tell me, if it isn't fucking physical, JUST WTF IS IT?" First of all... (i want to make sure i note this for myself) all I've done with danny is quick kisses on the lips... no making out and definetly no sex. This relationship is definetly not all about sexual stuff. Its about having someone there to hold you and care for you when you feel like no one else does. Its about taking care of another person and having fun with another person. Its about being happy. Secondly, no... I don't love Danny. Love isn't something that just happens (love at first site... sure maybe... but not in all cases) if I am ever going to love danny it would have to be something that grows over time and I don't tell him I love him, because i don't. He doesn't tell me that he loves me either, because he doesn't. We like eachother and we want to have fun together on a higher level than friends. The American culture is so much different than German culture and Felix seems to be having a hard time understanding my culture. I think I understand his and I'm trying to respect it. But here, in the states, its not "the only people you date are ones you love" and its not "if you don't love them your just fuck buddies" I know I want to say more about this and I know what I want to say. I just can't form the words so I'm going to leave it, I don't want to say things that aren't what I want to say. (if that makes sense) ...he wrote me 4 more e-mails telling me he doesn't know anymore and that hes just frustrated and he bets i think hes faking with the suicidal stuff... and well, no, I know hes serious because I saw how depressed he can get when he was here... I just wish taht we could both understand eachother better...