Felix and I are talking... things are going alright. I'm kind of shaky at talking to him because I feel as if I'm going to burst into tears at any moment. I feel so horrible, everything I've done to Felix, and everything that happened between us feel like its all coming at me and reminding me in one vicious slap that its all my fault. god dammit... I hate feeling like this. I don't want to have another breakdown like on Sunday. But I feel it coming. Pain is no longer a feeling for me... its a release. Not emotion pain... physical pain....... I did something last night that I've not done in many years. I'm scared.