I just read an e-mail from Felix and he was all mad at me. He always tells me to work on myself to get better and that he'll help me, now he goes and writes me the e-mail that just makes me feel like shit. I just want to crawl into a hole and rot. I'm not good for anything anymore and all I seem to do lately is make people worry and hurt them. I don't mean to. I'm just being honest with myself and doing what I need to do. So I told Felix that I don't want to talk to him for awhile. It tears me apart to make these decisions but this is the second time that I've had to tell him this. He keeps just destroying what I've built of myself because he gets frustrated with me. Its a slow process to beat depression and I need people who won't accuse me of not trying and people who will support me no matter what. Like when my friend Max was cutting I told her I'd always be there for her and that I'd be patient with her. And not once did I blow up at her, no matter how frustrated I got, I just remembered that that wasn't what she needed. And shes doing a lot better. She's not completely better, but a lot better than she was. I feel proud of myself for helping her but now I've got my own battle with depression, I had it before in 7th grade and I won, so now I'm hoping I can do the same. But now I think its going to be harder. This time around it won't be so easy for me. And this time around I want to do it on my own, because I'm not going to kill myself so theres not real danger. I just have times where I'll hurt myself, but everyone hurts themselves one way or another, be it on purpose or on accident. So people need to just leave me be in that sense, and be supportive and just show me they care. It just infuriates me more and makes me more depressed when people yell at me. Especially Mr. Zarling. He pisses me off. He doesn't get me at all and I do the work and do fine so why should he care??? ugh... damn teachers. I want school to be over, I want it to be summer so I can lay around the house and sleep. I want to sleep until my body won't let me sleep anymore because I'm so fucking sleep deprived lately. I need sleep guh. I miss Felix... god I just want him here to hold me and tell me everything will be ok. But no, he has to be in fucking germany. Life isn't fair!! Why do all my friends get to be so happy with boys and the one I want is in germany and he can't take care of me. :*( I just want to be in his arms again...