today wasnt to good. went to bed at like 645 in the mornin and woke up at 945. ive been hating myself for the mistake i made last night. ya know the feeling that you feel when you say something that you never really meant but resulted in the loss of the most important person in your life is the worst thing ever. i knew when i said it i didnt mean it, but i was told to by this person a couple minutes earlier. i knew they didnt mean it but for some stupid reason i listened to them. well it wasnt all that stupid, but at the same time it was. i said what i said because i loved this girl so much i would do anything for her, even if it resulted in my own downfall, which is what is slowly happening i think. life has changed so much so quickly. i went from the happiest person ever one second to being someone who had no purpose in life. have you ever met someone that the attraction was just instant. i mean from day one, the first second you laid eyes on each other the magic was there. and every second after that it only grew stronger and stronger. well that was, hopefully still can be, us. im only 21 and know i am still sorta young for this, but this was the person i know i could marry. that is something huge to me, i dont really talk about that, but she was just sent to me. things cant be explained, thats how amazing things were. losing something like that is something you can never imagine, i knew i woudl be hurt if anything ever happened to us. but i never imagined a pain like this. i never imagined the feeling of being lost that i am now facing. everything around me reminds me of her. this website, the keyboard im typing on, even my own body. and im going to have to live with this loss every day, every morning when i wake up ill look at myself and be reminded of the most beautiful thing that life had to offer me. i hope that if the person that i am talking about reads this she will realize how truly stupid and sorry i feel. how much i love her with everything i have ever had to give. there is two ways my life can take me right now:with her or without her. i know what i want and i know what should be, but what i did, my own act of stupidity, may have made it so that can never happen. i dont blame anyone but myself for whatever happens. if i have to live in pain then its all on myself, it is what i brought on. i thought that what i did would show how much i loved this person but im not sure thats what it did. i wish more than anything i could hold her right now and just tell her all this...but i cant. her family, her house, her little town, i love them all. anything that has to do with this girl i love. anything that can remind me of her i love. the other day she asked me what i thought the song konstantine meant. well it seems that thats the only thing i can listen to now. well here is its meaning....to me that is. it is everything we are. from the hightest of all highs to the lowest of all lows. from being happy to being sad. feeling pure ecstacy to feeling an amount of pain we never thought was possible. 11:11 is even mentioned in the song and thats what we always noticed in a clock. just like the song says "theyll never hurt you like i do" well as true as that is, im not sure if its a good thing or a bad thing. i mean i already hurt you, thats bad, but if you think about the reason why it hurts us both so much its because of love. the love that we shared that was stronger than any other. the love that you said everyone noticed and said was jealious of. i am so sorry for the loss of happiness i am resonsible for. i feel like the scum of the universe right now. i will always love you, you know who you are. you are the most beautiful woman out there. you will always be in my prayers. and if you never want anything from me again i will totally understand, but you will be the one person that no matter how old i get, i will never forget. c