so we all say things sometimes and we dont mean it. i did it, you did it. it just sucks sometimes though. it sucks when you say something you didnt mean and someone else says something they didnt mean as well, but because you said something you didnt mean they just dont see past it. its not like hey did the same thing though. i mean if they can see that they said something they didnt mean, why cant they see that i may be capable of that same mistake. afterall i am a human just as much as they are. i know it can hurt to hear something that you dont want to. but i also know what the difference is between something you mean and something you are just saying out of anger. it just really sucks. i never thought this day would come. and if i could have it my way it wouldnt be here, but things dont ever go my way when i really want them to. i guess thats why i feel so dead. not because i dont get things my way, but because i lost the most beautiful gift i have ever recieved. its not that i misplaced it or anything like that. i think she went away. that doesnt mean i wont stop loving her though. somethings you never lose and thats one of them. it is just so sad because we could have had so much. and i dont even know where it came from. which makes it even harder for me. things were so perfect then out of no where they were the worst theyve ever been. but why? i guess its just because my life sucks. i have no luck in anything. i mind as well be just my pet hermit crab that i dont even know if i still have, i mind as well just be a hermit. maybe it will save me from anymore pain. but i have to do one thing before then. i dont know how but i just have to say one more thing to this person. it probably wont mean much to her, i dont know. and if it does i am not quite sure it will get anything accomplished but i just need to get it off my chest. i know the truth and how things should be and i am going to tell her that. if she doesnt want to listen to me then so be it but as long as the effort was made on my part then i will be pleased. i told her a little over a year ago before i went home for the summer that i had to kiss her before the summer so i didnt regret not doing it. well im gonna stick to my belief of doing something before its to late and regretting it my whole life. all that matters when i think about it is if i get to say what i want, i dont have to be heard, she can ignore me if she wants. this is for me. its my heart being spilled. you say you wanted to know that it was just set on you well you can listen if you want to choose to not listen then never complain to me about it. but everyone of my heart's intentions will be spoken. hopefully the person i will be speaking to will be as mature as i want to be when i tell her and she will listen to every word i say. i would bend over backwards for this girl, i would jump in front of a bullet for her, i would give my life for her. so i will give everything my heart feels and i put them in words as best as i can. wish me luck i will seriously need it. the things happening right now are the hardest things i have ever gone through. i dont care what you tell me i dont lie about the way i feel im not that guy in your life stop tryin to convince yourself i am, and im sorry if you dont like this but you are going to have to hear it anyways. i love you. bye