a fresh new start tomorrow; i almost feel pity for anyone still stuck behind! my puppy just developed a set of tesicles and his baby teeth are plopping out of his mouth left and right and i'm trying to collect as many as i can and put it in a zip-lock baggie! i'm collecting new music rapidly. i feel more embodied and calm--> inspiration at its peak, eh --- btw, i dont know what ¢¾ is

it's been so long. i've had a lot of affection issues these days. i'm like one of those babies that aren't allowed to be touched or cooed after or cradled and i'm slowly becoming a little less human. i guess everything is my fault and i had choices that i didn't take and this isn't earth shattering or even concernable. but when i see somethings that i'm not able to get, i keep it bubbled inside and all i can do is shut my door, dont answer any calls and just sleep and dream fantasies that will never become real outside of my fucking head. my hate is unreasonable and stupid but sometimes its all i have now. -- i have a new puppy, loving parents, cute friends but..? i need to paint soon. my hands are too lotioned and stiff and i dont know if i can produce something that can be even part of my proud upcoming portfolio. im not a real artist because i dont feel inspired and i do what i need to do because something HAS to be done. i wish i had people to love me all to myself but they always feel obligated to something else or someone else, then i draw anyway in my selfish revulsion. fuck you if you read this and judge me.

my cat's water bowl is specked with litter. bacteria and germs everywhere! life is quite good now. its funny how over the years, you keep in touch with some and you fall out with others. i think theres a reason for everything, so just accept. secret lives and secret conversations seem to be a big part of today. -- may 6 = biiig. its funny how my friend ei and i planned the EVERYTHING and made appointments and reservations and bought this and that. the meetings at MY house. hardly anyones been appreciative or said a thank you of some kind. i guess im geting to the point that sure, my friend ei blindly dislikes you for playing childish "mind games" with her then boyfriend roger in SOPHMORE year; and we, YOU and i mutually, dont talk anymore, but at least dont say you're not LOOKING forward to going with mainly US where i can read it. ei got over herself and said its okay if you come, she just wont look to you. and for me, you can make something out of it if you decide to, other than that, its fine. i wont allow that muddled shit overcloud my night. you should too! i need that $78 check, preferably before may 6th.

rumors, rumors. sure, take a stab at me it hurts only when the people that you like, around you, just leave it out as an omission and pretend like nothing happened. other than that, its just pure pettiness.. i like to keep my legs close, what can i say! -- i've been drugged on some old nirvana, smashing pumpkins and the doors new cds make me a little less comatose

saving money no more dressing up and going out its more like zit-cream on face and pjs blockbuster movies and chinese takeout with the one same person! againagaingaindxff spring break, where oh where is your luscious ass? -- fall out boy is fucking horrendous. their snl show, their SONGS, their singer?!?!? whenever i see someone wearing one of their concert shirts, i kinda giggle then puke in the back of my throat and then it comes out of my nostrils and all hell breaks loose. i have a thing for female spanish dancers in motion. theyre my muse for art right now. all talky, no drawy

my world evolves around art right now. im constantly needing to eat and breathe artfullycrapfully and i dont know whether i need a break. wont be able to! im off pages with people, i can smell the odor of their fears. im a breeze to figure out so dont give me a second glance. there are pillows of fucking frustration up my fucking nose and down my goddamn throat. whew!jlkfgjf maybe i should draw my fantasies of murdering people for an outlet? i dont know how a punctured lung looks like is it pink or beige

the bottoms of my feet are so rough, i could sharpen knives on them. ukhmkumh. busy non-stop this week. i'm in a mood swing right now. one minute i'm so angry im tearing and the next, im placid on the outside and i just stop caring. i dont like the way this entry looks. fuckin' beats nothing at all though people use me. i can stand it, but all i'll say is fuck you. --- i cant get this off my mind. i saw a motercycle man like last week. it was one of those, you turn while you're driving and you make eye contact and its like woah-spark? i watched him follow me to my house but parked 5 houses down. i got out of my car slowly and i watched him look at me. i couldn't see his face under the black helmet, but its like you just know he's completely focused on you moments. he turned his motorcycle back on while i got in my house and he sped down the road and left. i wonder who the stranger is and if i should be more careful than usual? don't wanna be one of those sob story victims, eh.

i truly hate sexual monsters. especially when little kids are involved. they're ALWAYS older men, never women. old men and little girls, old men and teenage boys. they're the worse. mixed feelings of sneering dominance, buck-eyed lusty tension, bruising claws; they're sure they're untouchable. find an expensive, soul sucking lawyer and wads of money for hush-hush business. control the judge, control the world. i say yes to the death penalty. bring back the public decapitations and hangings. pelting them with stones and setting them afire. say yes say yes! -- little simple lolita toes and french semi-whore winged eyebrows. i draw you and i can hardly wait make a stand and stop cowering behind niceties

sad mad glad I BELIEVE IN CHILDREN I BELIEVE IN LIFE BUT I'D HAVE TO BE DEAD, DUMB, AND BLIND NOT TO SEE THE STRIFE. FACES OF DEATH, FACES OF DEATH FACES OF DEATH ALL AROUND ME. tomorrows a special day, but for the life of me, i can't think of one truly great thing right now. happy birthday, andrea?!

suckity suck suck fuck i love public websites. and i also love my new picture phone. and i love text messaging. i love my good friends. and our innocent fun halloweens oh so close. drive drive drive, party!

When new witches were initiated in historical times, they were often blindfolded and a sacred ointment was rubbed into their skin that would confuse the mind, speed up the pulse and numb the feet. They were then guided onto a broomstick, and when told they were flying over land and see, the witch believed. -- i can't fall asleep. my floor is so dusty and dirty, when i go place to place in my bedroom, i hop and awkwardly twirl the bottoms of my feet look positively plagued ridden. i'm going to go research about leprosy now.

Under blue moon I saw you So soon you'll take me Up in your arms Too late to beg you or cancel it Though I know it must be the killing time Unwillingly mine Fate Up against your will Through the thick and thin He will wait until You give yourself to him In starlit nights I saw you So cruelly you kissed me Your lips a magic world Your sky all hung with jewels The killing moon Will come too soon

war war war death, genocide, murder, rape but it doesn't happen to you we're invincible in the great land of the squares, with our happy meals to go and our action movies and ruthless gossip. we eat processed food and piss out gold! too many forget about our history and struggle, the most we can do is introspect and debate and put up signs. no one actually wants a disruption in their everyday lives, so we ignore. i ignore. i wish i was more.

through every forest, above the trees within my stomach, scraped off my knees i drink the honey inside your hive you are the reason i stay alive

this is from ALL my friends around me, mixed into one. i don't understand teenager love and i don't see why people can be so hurt, but take back that one person in a heartbreak. is it a dependency complex.. a panicky, blinding attachment buried in the back of your brains? let me join in. where's my fucking love when i need it. make me complicated and emotional and jittery and wonderful and stupid, NOW. i heard its not something you can see, or hold. its just a word that can be typed, mumbled or slurred. i still want it.

ahahaha i wear my red lipstick and HE isn't even there to see woe is me

i put on shiny red lipstick only when i want to attract a certain boy-man-child. i hope it works! i really fucking do

im going to the NIN concert on monday night. !heart beats faster! right now, im so lonely, i'd give anyone a run for my limp prude heart.

"you have such a loser mentality, it pisses me off." fuck you.

father of mine, control your pig-headed, superior macho-ness before you hurt my mother and have her even fall more out of love with you. you middle-aged hypocritical grouch with a temper tandrum. come on, how can you disappoint me everytime? -- garbage concert tomorrow! i ordered an ipod nano online. comes this week?!