it's been so long. i've had a lot of affection issues these days. i'm like one of those babies that aren't allowed to be touched or cooed after or cradled and i'm slowly becoming a little less human. i guess everything is my fault and i had choices that i didn't take and this isn't earth shattering or even concernable. but when i see somethings that i'm not able to get, i keep it bubbled inside and all i can do is shut my door, dont answer any calls and just sleep and dream fantasies that will never become real outside of my fucking head. my hate is unreasonable and stupid but sometimes its all i have now. -- i have a new puppy, loving parents, cute friends but..? i need to paint soon. my hands are too lotioned and stiff and i dont know if i can produce something that can be even part of my proud upcoming portfolio. im not a real artist because i dont feel inspired and i do what i need to do because something HAS to be done. i wish i had people to love me all to myself but they always feel obligated to something else or someone else, then i draw anyway in my selfish revulsion. fuck you if you read this and judge me.