heya So today starts 16 days of Olympic glory. woohoo! [Insert couch potato here.] We love international sports. Except golf, which is lame. No no, don't argue; I couldn't be arsed to defend my position on golf. All I will say, though, is if it were a real sport, it would be at the Olympics. QED. The English football season also starts tomorrow. Woohoo 2: Return of the Killer Woohoo! [insert further couch potato here.] Yes, soccer is an Olympic sport, so take that, golf fans. I will be looking thoroughly forward to the swimming, diving and gymnastics events. News on the radio this morning is that the British team swimmers are in white and it seems it becomes somewhat transparent after getting wet... well done to the good folks at Speedo for that! I have a cousin of sorts who was a champion diver and went to the Commonwealth and Olympic games in the 90s. I would love to be a hardcore pro-diver like those guys. What I would do, and purely for the sake of comedy and winning, you understand, is enact a brilliant plan to win over the audience and get them rooting for you, because, hey, everyone loves an unfortunate underdog, right? The Brilliant Plan to Win Over the Diving Audience and Get Them on your Side: 1.) Be a world-class diver 2.) Get sent to the Olympics (Step 1 and 2 are kinda tricky; many people will not make it even to step 1, let's be honest.) 3.) Wear a dodgy, dark-coloured micro-Speedo with a "loose drawstring" i.e. untie it when the camera isn't looking at you. 4.) On your third dive, rip your entry so the force of the water relieves you of said micro-Speedo in front of everyone. The dark colour will make it visble floating on the surface of the water so everyone realises what is happening while you frantically attempt to retrieve it and put it back on. It may help to flash a little skin audience-wards. 4a.) In case they choose the nosy underwater camera for the telecast at step 4, try to ensure you have an above-average to massive schlong. This will win you brownie points anyway. No point in having a cocktail wiener and not winning a medal, is there? 5.) Blush and look generally embarrassed and grin sheepishly when you get out of the water. Pretend to be horrified and dismayed at this woeful misfortune. Wave an apology to the crowd, who will applaud because they always do for someone who's recovered from immense bad luck. Look at the gymnasts who fall off the bar - they practically get standing ovations when they get back on, right? 6.) While on the board awaiting your next dive, look embarrassed and make a show of tying your drawstring extra tight. Play this one for the crowd, complete with facial expressions of "phew! *That* was close!" etc. If the crowd and judges aren't eating out of your hand at this stage, forget it - no medal for you. You will need to try more traditional ways of winning (see Step 1). If all fails but you managed to achieve step 4a, you may go on to a successful career in pornography, which is probably a close second to winning an Olympic medal, right? In fact, you may win the medal and *still* be go on to be a porn-star - double trouble! One wonders why no-one has tried this sort of thing before, frankly. What do coaches teach their teams? ok, geia hara (that's ok bye in Greek) -D-