I hate saying "Goodbye". It's Horrible & I hate it. I would like to stomp around and cry like a big girl because I don't like it. It's scary how much I love him.If it was anyone else i think i'd have run over the hills and far away by now.Actually, I still wanna' run away, I mean it's the easiest thing to do. Instead of enjoying these feelings all I can think it what happens when it goes wrong.. (Not if.. but when).Terifying.I don't know what i'd do without him. But I guess he feels the same way. I should sleep more, sleep makes me less insecure.

The words "I Love You" are said everyday. It's not true how they say that those words loose their meaning. In fact, they get stronger when you realise that you love them more than they will ever know and you do not know what you would do without them in your life.Or how they would react if they knew the 'real' you. This point, this moment, this second is where all your insecurites will arrive.If they were to realise that your planning on being with said person for years and years to come: They'd run.If you were to say exactly how you felt: They'd run.If they were to know about you, everything. Everything in this place, your head: They'd runIf they knew you thought about them every second, or how just thinking about them makes your day: They'd run. Now, Obviously - he knows nothing. He knows I love him, alot. And that I think of him, and miss him.But I think thats all I ever want him to know. Thats as far as I ever want to let anyone in. Ever. This is the farthest anyone has ever got, amd will ever go. My head is so full of what if's and maybe's - even when's. What happens when this happens, and what if I say this, maybe this will happen when I do that. Scariest of all? I want to belive him when he says "I love you more than anything"Why can't I, Why is there such doubt?Part of me says it's because I don't trust well, I've been hurt before & I don't want to be hurt again. I couldn't handle that.Or maybe it's because my feelings don't match his, i'm at level 8 and he's down there at 5. Could it be? Easiest way is talking about it, I guess. Thinking logically and everything.Shame I don't do logic.

Jesus. It's been a bit of a while since I had a good old rant & moan/tell tale to no-one sessions on here. It's more over-due than I thought. I'm alive.It's 3.37am. On my general life, things are okay. I have a job. It's not exiting, it's not brilliant, but it brings some pennys in.I'm re-attending college. About half way through my course, Criminology & Psychology @ Level 3. Which mucho grande luck, i'll be shipping myself off to University in six months time.As much as i'm dissapointed I didn't do it back when I was 16/17/18, I'm only 21 and it's never too late. At the moment I have a stable relationship, in which i'm utterly head over heals for the fucker. Poor him.It's good to be loved. I'm back in therapy, thats not too fun. I did never seem to get over my self harm obsession. My scars haunt me, they're a constant reminder of what I can do. hich only makes me want to do it even more. Pills & Therapy = Better Joanna. I'm still making my same old mistakes. I will never learn, it's a shame I tend to ruin everything on which I place my hands upon. Do you want to learn to speak Troll? I'll get you grunting in no time =] Y'know, i'm going to update this more. It's good to talk/type.

Really.. 28th of Nov 08.. That long. Flip. I seriously thought I updated once a couple of months ago.. Obviously not. Updates? Well.. So much to day, so little effort inside me to actually type it all down really. Same Job Same Debt Same Friends New relationship. Which is more than likely going to go all tits up (as allways 'cos as everyone knows nothing good ever happens to me) ((Emo revelation much?)). Hmm. We'll see. I do miss this place from time to time. I do enjoy typing out all the stuff in my head now and again. I like the fact that it's mine and, all mine. No-one reads or prys or comments. It's mine. I can say anying with no repocushions here. I'm yet to learn how to spell.

Avoiding this place. Well technically speaking, avoiding myself, or whatevers going on in my head. Too many things really. Things were allright, likable even. Untill I mes sup like I allways do. Heh. Generally begins with a drink, or too many drinks. I have the emotional breakdown in the pub, Shout a little. Wake up with a hangover the size of England, and a sprained ankle. Then I go through a course of feeling sorry for myself, never wanting to rember that night, and wathcing the world crumble around me. Technically. Iot's actually not as bad as i'm making it out to be. Ovbiously. But yeah. Works okay. Moneys better. Wel.. being in all the debt I am at 19 years of age.. Its not as much as I thought it was. It;s still rather significant, but still it's more.. manageable. Ish. Friends, now theres a subject... What friends? is more like it. I have two... One lives about 1000 miles away.. the other well.. she's moving to the other end of the world. How nice. So i'm practically on my own. Ish. I have family, sure. But what happend to friends and the casual sex. It's all non existant. I work, sleep, and eat alot. And it's beginning to drag me down.

We are the Stonefold girls. We wear our hair in curls. We wear our dungarees, To show our sexy knees, You know the boy next door, He got me on the floor. I gave him 50p, To give it all to me. My mummy was surprised, To see my belly rise. My daddy jumped for joy, It was a baby boy... -------- My boyfriend gave me an apple, my boyfriend gave me a pear. My boyfriend gave me a kiss on the lips and threw me down the stair. I gave him back his apple, I gave him back his pear. I gave him back his kiss on the lips and I threw him down the stair. I threw him over Scotland, I threw him over France. I threw him over the universe and he lost his underpants. --------

When I die.. I want you all there at my funeral. Wearing all those bright colours. Every single one of you carrying Sunflowers. 'Cause you can't help but smile when you see a Sunflower.

So... Maybe it's not as over, as I though it was. I dunno. My heads a little bit messy. We kinda spoke. He said I hurt him, by saying I just wanted to be friends.. He said that he loved me. He thought I didn't want to be with him. He said "I fell in love with out.. Felt like you didn't care..." He said he's missed me. To which I replied in some sort of babble... I don't want to be just friends. I just know you didn't exactly want a relationship, so it causes less heartbreak for me if it just stops at friends. So.. He knows what I want.. I kinda know what he wants. "As soon as I got to know you.. I've wanted you..." But ovbiously with all that said and done, we are where we were three weeks ago. And nothing more has been said on the subject. Yet i'm still sleeping with him. And choosing not to tell him about the other guy, won't fuss him anyway. It's like a love triangle to be honest. The guy that keeps me going, makes my pulse race, the guy i'm falling for. Or the guy i'm "safe" with. I have a fucky head. I do need to talk to him. I'll try tonight. Or tomrorow morning when we're up.. I think.

It's all over. And I didn't get to say my speech. It was a very good speech. I cried for twenty mins, thougn after 5 hours.. I was over it. Kind of. I was feeling fine after work, Though I had a dream and it was about him. And it knocked me a little. But yeah. Theres nothing I can do about it now. I fell a little too hard this time. But oh well. I think my plan of emotionally desteroying him backfired. Maybe I can.. give me a few weeks. I spent last night with... Lets call him a friend. All I could think about was that tosspot and how tottaly uncomfortable I was. And there was no alcohol involved. Actually.. I haven't had a drink in weeks. I need a life. And some lovin'. Proper lovin'. The kind that scars. I don't half get myself into some shit situatuons. Bless me.

Its weird how not having a place to write or reflect over the weekend made me flustrated, upset, andgry. Proves how much I still need this place I think. He was on my mind at least 9/10 of yesterday. It seems as though I may have gone insane. It's only annoying me becasue I have all these feelings and emotions flying around, and yet I have no idea where I stand.. He says he loves me, misses me, thinks about me. Yet I see him once a week if i'm lucky. I just don't get it. I have a speach.. It goes like this. I think, whatevers happening between us.. I think it needs to stop. Because it's gotten to the point when i'd be devasted if I was to find out if you had slept with anyone else. And that bugs me. I shouldn't care. But I do. Throw an i'm sorry in there at somepoint and explain how i'm fantasic at running away, and do it every time. And we'll bhe okay right. We'll just be the friends with the beer and the drunken mistakes. But I don't really want that, I just don't want a part time, no idea whats going on, relationship. My head is screwed. ------- Afternote. I sound like a child. A whiney 16 year old child. Bless me. You think you'd grow up. You don't. Can we stop the tears now please.

Expecially Girl Giants. There is way too much stuff going through my head at the moment. So we'll start at the beginning. I have recently lost a friend, by means of her accusing me of something I didn't do. Apparently, I "stole".. yes those were the words. I "stole" some form of her clothing. 1) I couldn't wear her clothes as they are two sizes too big for me. 2) I just couldn't do it anyway, as thats a prety shity thing to do to a friend. Even if they have been an unbelieveably shit friend. Which over the past 8 months she has. But still. I'm quite glad this has all come to a head, It means I don't have to put up with shitty friendships. Remember when said I wasn't going to let my feelings get in the way, and that I wan't actually going to have any. Yeah well 4-5 months in and I kinda do. I kinda maybe love him. And he's gonna break my heart. I know it. But I can't let go. I like it when he tells me he loves me, my heart smiles. Bless. But, thinking about what we have, kinda literally. It's not even clear we're in a relationship. But I do enjoy the way he calls my name when i'm fucking his brains out. If it's just sex then thats fine. I can seperate my emotion from my needs. I hope. I guess its because he said he loves me. But it's not as if he's said it to get into my pants. As to speak. That happend months ago, with the whole one night stand lark. So he knows what i'm like, and he knows full well that he doesn't need to pretend anything. So that makes me think is he telling the truth. My mind ponders. But it's got to that point in which I would be utterly gutted if I was to find out he slept with someone else. Which bugs me. Because he's the male version of me, and I know that if I happend to meet someone, given the chance I would possibly not say no. That and I know him quite well, and I cannot trust him. Which basically throws away any chance of anything. Well. Ain't I the luckiest peson ever. Heh.

My Bling' can knock your bling... Right outta' the ring. That's cos' i'm so cool I shit icecubes. I'm a little big hungry.. So my stomachs telling me.. Joy. I'm telling you, two handfulls of cereal and a handful of lettuce just ain't enough. Cease Fire. It shall be worth it. I was happier wiping bums with Social Services. Really. UGH. I want a ciggarette, but ive gone like 2 1/2 days. LAME. HMM. Man I'm bored.. with nothing to do. Heh.. he said he loved me. Bless him. He has no idea, I feel sorry for him. Wait.. I don't. Haha.

I do happen to think my diet is going wonderful. Granted it's been about 2 days, Still. From an average calorie intake of over the national GDA, which is over 2000. Gosh. I'm now on about 700 a day, which concists of two bowls of cereal (Special K) and some small bag of lettuce, with a little dressing.. (So I don't feel like a rabbit). And only drinking water of course. Happy days. One day, I'll be skinny. Joy.

Anyone else sick to death of hearing about money crisis's. It's drinking me up the wall, a bit. I know were in some sort of financial short fall, and inflation is at a stupid percentage. But still, its been going on since Christmas and i've about had enough. Surley our goverment should od something about it, but ovbiously not. Gordon Brown is just as bad as the prat we had before. I think it's Labour, as a goverment. They've done practically nothing. Expect the whole "penny to a pound"... Which means still the lower income familys of the UK will get about £40 extra in their pay packet. Yet the poeople who earn a million a year will see like £800+ in their accounts. And this is supposed to help the "credit Crunch" People are loosing their homes, Single mums with 3 kids are practically on the streets. And yet our Goverment does nothing. Thats wrong, seriously wrong.

I dislike it when things get on top of me. Because that makes me feel a little like shit. I'll find a way to end it, I just have to.. Mainly because I want some sort of reation from him, I guess and another reason because I can't be assed with it anymore. I'm getting an eye infection. All I ever seem to do on here is moan.. I'm not allways like this.. Promise. GGR. My heads prety much fucked.

I'm glad I don't remember last night, really I am. Saves me some embarasment of realised that I possibly said i love you. Haha. Well if I don't remember it it never happend right. Lets dance to Joy Division & celebrate the iorny. Tra la la la. Useless entry.

I have the mother to god'-ness hellish hangover. It's one of those in which i'll say i'll never drink again, untill two hours later and i'm having the "hair of the dog". But really, I'm seriously ill. And I'm glad I don't remember much of last night, Really. I called him, 4am, Blind drunk. Begged him to come over. I do not remember the phone conversation. Though I remeber the words love, No trust were in there. Heh. I'm a fool. Though I do enjoy the fact i had sex 7 times in the past 24 hours. The 6 this morning were the best. (Because I remeber it) Thats joy. Yeah, i love to brag. Haha.

It's sex with feelings. With doing nothing about it. And the freedom with sleeping with anyone else, at your own risk. I think. The lines are all cloudy. And I think I may have leaped over all of them. I'm such a love.

Lets all dance to the sound of failure. Lets face it it's all that we're good at. I woke up in a bad mood. And in a bad mood i'll remain. I think it's the whole 'Seeing my dad thing' thats happening tomrorow. About 10% of me still loves him, shockingly. And that ten percent actually does want to see him, and hopes he is well. It's the other 90% i'm worried about. I have set myself a guideline. 1) I'm not allowed to drink (As that would result in the saying of words that would upset the thing on his arm. Yes by that I do mean 'girlfriend'. But thats the main thing i'm worried about doing. I'm a good actress, really. I can pull of the happy go lucky, everything is peachy thing. No worries. And i'll get some guilt money if i'm super nice. I was doing just fine without him y'know. Then every two years when i've just about though.. yeah i'm okay, who needs a dad, He stumbles back. I have no idea why I put up with it. No-one really does. It's gotten to the point where my family give me no sympathy for crying over him anymore. Bless. They get tired of it after 15 years. Tra la la la la la la.

Today... I worked. Tomorrow... I'll work... So on and so froth for the next month solid. I'll have no days off. I have a lack of a social life as it is. And the tiny bit i have left, i'm gonna loose. Which is good, in a way i guess, looking at it from a financial point of veiw. Tra la la. I have to play happy familes on sunday with my Dad and his money laundering whore of a russian, can't speak english/spanish girlfriend and her 32 year old daughter who still lives at home. BREATHE. Ovbiously i'm utterly looking forward to it, with all my little black heart. - I'm dreading it. I have no idea what to say to her. Actually I don't know what/how i'm going to say anything to her. She doesn't speak English.. My Spanish is awful. And i'm fucked if i try to speak russian. - Appart from that. Things are allright. I'm still convinced he's not 100% faithful. But like i've dealt with in past entries. I'm going to deal with that. I just need to remeber not to have nay sort of feelings and or attachment to him, because that would makes things difficult. Or I could have feelings and just posses the power to detach them and my disposal. Like thats gonna happen. I do indeed need to find a way to prove my theory. Which i'm sure i'll dinf in good time. I need some new friends.. anyone? I ahve a lack of friends, in my little real world. Suck to be me. Ish. I need back my party life-style.. of when I was some major animal, of the sexual deviance kind, when i was 17-18. Good times. Heh. I'm going to be 20 soon. And i'm gonna' have to grow up, alot. That kinda scares me, I mean... My teenage years have gone, swept from under me like some magic rug from the 1970's. Where on earth have they gone. I remember my 13th Birthday, what a blast. I couldn't imagine being 20. I can't imagine being 20 now. Boo Hoo, With added fake tears.