i know i never update this thing. but i dont think anyone ever looks at it. so thats alrite. hope things are going good with everyone... your past is behind you, the only thing you need to carry from it, is the things you once learned

here is my stuff i wrote last year before the new year started. i figured i'd go ahead n bring it up to view for now. and before the new year, i will do this again.... n i'll compare the two even.... this is from dec. 30, 2004 alrite, well i figured i could reminese (how ever the hell ya spell it) a lil. n since tomorrow is new years eve, and i will be gone most of the day tom, guess i'll just do it now. i probably won't get everything, but it'll be nice just to try. this is gonna be a shit load of stuff. it's not in order. and it's not even everything. but it's alot of it i think. -the incident with kenley on the second of january -losing him as a friend -joining karate -cutting a shit load -losing jason -crying -the big fight with lance -the incident with alex on easter -having friends yell at me for doing stupid shit -failing biology -taking summer school -starting to lose jennison -starting to like justin -losing viv from telling me things -reading a lot -going to a therapist -having to take anti-depressants -writing poems -smoking some -getting a star named after me from jennison -talking to viv and justin each nite -getting my cell taken away and then back again -starting skool again -doing good in skool -talking and hanging out with my friends less -going to a lot of karate things -talking to lee and wolfgang -talking to alex and finding out things -becoming friends with paige again -liking roger -going on a cruise from christmas -meeting phillip -the incident with phillip and the aftermath -talking to justin a lot less -getting my purple belt -lil problems with hayley and lance -not telling people things -losing alot of people ok, i think that's all. some of it might not make sense to people, which i don't care. it's all mainly just something for me, rite? hmm how bout i do a new years resolution too. what do i want to happen. -get a boyfriend -make good grades -find another skool -keep all my old friends -make new friends -get a kiss that has meaning behind it -not cut as much -meet one of my online friends -do good in karate -go out more -get a car and drive -have better holidays - don't get used alrite, looks like that's all for now.

been really busy lately. hardly update ne thing. got lots of essays n such to try n finish. n got midterms comin up in two weeks. review week next week. should be alrite. not much work. been havin up n downs with things. had some real hard times. but also some real good times. so guess it just all evens out. meh, oh well. guess that's it really for now. later.

Girl: hey baby i want to show you.... Boy: ( cutting her off ) ugh i'm so mad Girl: why? whats wrong ? Boy: ugh everything Girl: explain baby Boy: just lost a championship game, parents flipped out on me for no reason, and im catching a cold Girl: well hey there will always be other games, you know ill take care of you when your sick, what your parents flip about ? Boy: they are making me pay them for a car repair Girl: is it alot of money Boy: no it just sucks Boy: but hey i dont feel well im going to go lay down Boy: bye Girl: wait i want to give you some... Boy: cant it wait til tommorow ? Girl: yeah sure Girl: bye Boy: bye 2 hours later a friend of hers asks her to go for a drive ...she goes..... her friend swerved to avoid a truck....hitting a tree instead her friend was killed instantly....shes in critical condition This is the conversation between her sister and her boyfriend Sister: omg ( crying ) Boy: what? whats wrong ? Sister: my sister...your gf was involved in a major car wreck Boy: is she ok ? ????? Sister: shes in critical condition Boy: i'll be there in 10 minutes He shows up to the hospital room ...standing outside the door going over the last conversation in his mind over and over as he heard the machines beep and beep and breathing tubes pump Boy: she wanted to give me something or tell me something Girls mom: yeah this... it was an envelope smelling like she did sealed with a kiss in lipstick he opened it..... it said ..... your everything to me....i love you with everything i am and everything i have...i want to spend the rest of my life with you sealed in it was a ripped movie ticket from the first movie they went to and the first picture they took together he kissed the picture as a tear fell from his face onto the picture it looked as if in the picture she was crying then the machines flatlined....3 minutes later she was pronounced dead If you have any heart...any soul...or want to be happy you will repost this. if you care for someone ...do not let something like this ever happen Post this in the next 200 seconds and you WILL have THE best day of your life THIS SATURDAY. You're number one *love* Will either kiss you, ask you out, or call you or better

i got my comp fixed. it had been broken for a while. n its all nice n new kinda n everything. n i relaly like it hehe. n it's the whole screen. which it hadn't been before hehe. gotta love it. im really happy. i love life rite now. even when it gets bad. im actually happy... and i love it. i love every moment of this stuff. first of all. the weather is wonderful. it's beautiful. it's cold during the day. really cold in the morning and at nite. been sprinkling a little during the days. mostly been cloudy. n when the sun does show through, it's still nice n cool. i love it so much. n then tonite i could really see the sky n stars n everything. but there were still clouds. n it just looked awesome. but im really tired rite now. so i guess that's all for now.

hehe. im actually very very happy. i love it. i love being happy. n no more faking it. it's great. skools shit. but when is it not. parents are a pain in the ass. again, when are they not? been out alot tho. so dont have to deal with them or ne thing. which is definately nice. but im definately very happy. gotta love it. got a few things comin up lately. hopefully should be fun. i kno i hadn't written in this thing in a while. well i had. but in private. but hopefully ima start writin in this n other things a lil more.

still there's not much new. i do have things i can write about. a bit has happened. but i dont really feel much of a need to write bout ne of it. not sure why. but oh well. things have been fine. get to be at home by myself finally. it's nice. glad to get away from some people. been havin some feelings lately. hopefully they can go away. mainly just feeling kinda lonely. i have people around me, but i still can't help feeling lonely... but that's fine. i'll figure somethin out to not haev this feeling such a problem. hope everyone is happy and that things are good.

ya well, things have been alrite. a lil boring. i dont feel like writin much. although i do kinda gotta write bout some things. but not yet i guess. but soon i will. not much has been goin on. been out a bit. got a car. got my hair re-highlighted. that's bout it for lately.... had shit goin on with friends. miss friends. talkin to friends a lil more. meh, that's really it i guess...

back from the campout. joy. it was alrite. very hot. bleh. still not feelin all that great... whatever.... shit just keeps stayin on my mind n buggin me... but whatever... who cares.. it doesn't matter...

got the campout this weekend. should be fun. hopefully. not real sure. but who knos. so i wont be back till sunday. but i'll try to update bout it. things have been kinda... bleh. just everywhere... they've kinda... sucked. but oh well. hopefully they'll get better... meh.

ahhh im fuckin pissed off!!!!!!!!!! n it's all cuz of my fuckin mom!!!! god damn it!! kaoljsfdfjsakaaoiaesjghaoipdhalsfkjoidsafjaoipsdfjraidlfjasfkaopsiifhidsafhipsadfhafjfdsawajetihl;gfahjlgreafhrewFDSA'H!!!!!!! DAMN FUCKIN FACE JUST KEEPS FUCKIN PISSIN ME OFF!!! N IT'S FUCKIN STUPID AS HELLL!!!!!! SHE FUCKIN WOKE ME UP TODAY AT FUCKIN 9 IN THE GOD DAMN FUCKIN MORNING! JUST TO FUCKIN TELL ME SHE WAS LEAVIN THE FUCKIN BILL IN MY ROOM SO I WOULD FUCKIN REMEMBER IT!!! WHAT THE FUCK?!?!:?! ITS FUCKIN STUPID AS HELL!!! I FUCKIN HATE IT!! N RITE NOW! I FUCKIN HATE HER!!!! GOD DAMN I WISH SHE WOULD JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! I KNO I FUCKED UP! WOOPTY FUCKIN DO! THERE'S NOT FUCKIN MUCH I CAN DO BOUT IT RITE NOW! SO SHE NEEDS TO JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP! GOD FUCKIN DAMN IT!!!!!! LKAFJSOIPJFAFGFJKBAJKBAWFHEWjk97ipd6t4ghb rui32.sfajlhfjklahfkphfopayhgatbor;ghuiwegtrboireygihtyrwhtbgoudsyfuiewfhrfewFGHJDSGGFDSAHJKFDSDSHJK;VXCHFEWBDUYFTREWGHJK;FDShl'gfdsagrefds FUCK IT IM DONE!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LAUREN!!! hmm so today's lauren's birthday. had cake n shit at lunch. tis was good. skools been alrite i guess. this is dead week. finals are next week. joy. just one n 1/2 days left in this week. n then get out early each day next week. yippy. i can't rely on others... i have to stop... cuz then.. i'll need them... n i can't need others... i can't.. i have to stop relying on you....

today's friday the 13th. k well just thought i'd tell ya if you didnt kno. hehe watch out for black cats n ladders! hehehe i kno, im a dork... oh well hehe.

alrite. i'll finally put somethin. lets see... not much goin on... just a lil here n there. skools almos over, yay. haven't talked to anybody lately. only person i ever talk to or hang out with is wolfgang. woohoo. went to two partys on sat nite. first was a lil baby's party. n second was a kinda pool party. wolfgang took me over there. n they were gonna pick me back up in a lil. we hung around for the first lil bit. then played in the pool area. threw one girl in that had a swimsuit on. then pushed a guy in. then i got pushed in. clothes n all. great. alot people started to get in or pushed in. kept tryin to get out. wolfgang n them came n picked me up. was soaked. had to go home n change. meh so things lately have been alrite i guess. just been textin with wolfgang alot lately. didn't so much today. didn't really feel like it. not all that sure. but oh well. just figured i'd give him some space. justin said he might call last nite before he went to bed. he didn't. i knew he wouldn't. but it woulda been nice... meh. he doesn't give a shit bout me ne more. trust me. never talks to me. never asks how things are. just never cares... i have no more friends that are here n my age. or really ne where. lance n amanda are never around. they say they are. but it's not true. they aren't. they dont give a shit. never call me. never wanna do anything. never even bother with me... so why should i with them? i never hang out with hayley. hardly ever talk to her even. dont talk or hang out with lauren outside of skool. meh. she says she'll call. never does. that seems to happen to me alot. can't talk to viv. n when i can it's just for a short period of time. last nite she was on. talked to her for a lil. but i was really tired. things don't seem real anymore... i don't know what it is. but they just.. don't. it doesn't feel rite. it doesn't exactly feel like a dream. but yet, it kinda does.. i don't really know. i don't understand it. n i don't really like it. i wish i knew what was happening. what was going on... maybe i'll figure it out some day... but it'll have to be on my own... since no ones around to help... everybody's fading away

meh. i had talked to justin on thursday nite. wanted things to change. they still haven't... oh well... things have been ok i guess... just been having shit goin on... havne't felt all that great... shit on my mind. all that good crap. bleh. meh. oh well. that's all for now i guess... suddenly i dont feel like always updatin ne kind of journal. meh, oh well.

i passed my blue belt test. yayy. im glad. i was kinda nervous. talked to lee today about it. cuz he didn't go. he went to pat green. but he said it was really awesome, so guess it's ok that he missed it hehe. meh haven't been feelin all that great lately... aren't you sposed to feel good when you accomplish something you've been wanting? n then dreading you wouldn't reach? wish i could feel so great... but i don't. and i don't know why. which is the main reason it bugs the crap outa me. if i would just know why...

well haven't really said much in this thing for a while. so guess i'll say a lil somethin. cuz i kno so many people read this hehe. things have been goin pretty good. got my belt test tom in karate. goin for blue... hope i make it... i'm kinda nervous... but it should be fun though.so guess that's alrite. umm things with friends have been ok i guess... i'll update more later... watchin girls slap each other on the comp hehe

i am of no significance to amanda. fine. that's how she wants it to be... why should i even bother bein there with her? hangin out with her? no reason, rite? meh... proms comin up. so you see alot of people with flowers n shit. glad im not a junior or senior. dont ya just love couples? who like show it all off? they're just lovely... maybe one day i'll find someone. till then... i'll always be on my own i guess. watchin anastasia hehe. im a sucker for movies with happy endings hehe.

absolutely nothing goin on. nothing happening. spent the day with wolfgang today. tis was fun. might hang out with amanda tom. hope it'll be alrite...

sat at home by myself tonite. watchin movies on the tv. what a blast. no ones even called me in a while. i love all my friends.... not. no one wants me to do anything with them. fine. they all just fuckin lie anyways. then i get to hear my mom's shit. so fuckin lovely... i like it better when everyone's gone. i tried to get rid of my negative thoughts. didn't work. they're all still there. if not more. joy.