I failed at school. I failed at work. Then I failed her. Why won't she just tell me to kill myself. Tell me she hates me for what I did. Why can't I just go ahead and do it. She might be sad at first, but I know she'd be relieved. She doesn't want to be with me, she's just scared of feeling guilty if she pushes my sorry ass away. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. if I hate myself and my life so much why do I keep hanging on. Maybe I'm just too pathetic to do anything about that either maybe i just need to get into hard drugs to fry my brain first perhaps buy a bike, rev it up and slam on the front brake. that'd be a glorious way to go skid marks on the highway smeared at one fifty miles an hour maybe she's found someone else and she just wants me to go away so she can be happy her life has been rough and she deserves happiness, she's doing so well for herself mine's been smooth and a breeze but i just keep fucking up worse. how pathetic i hate everything around me but i'm still too non confrontational to say no, to yell at the people i want to to tell them i fucking hate them all quicker down the rabbit hole, caroling dreams of black and blue and red of you i need to go to sleep. i dont want to be awake right now. i dont even want to be alive right now

for now my Love. the walls of my reality will be shattered. i'll rip the heart from my chest and set it aside, safe and sound until you come to claim it again. and then. we can build the walls back together.

this isn't the one i really write in anymore. Old days past are a longtime gone. but back again to haunt you. memories begets memories. pain begets pain.

I can remember with painful clarity, holding you against me. That hard and unforgiving asphalt beneath our feet. Praying to god or whomever would listen that it Would not be the last time I could feel you in my arms. All else faded away, blurred and burned in your blinding presence. Tunnel vision when I first spotted you, striding across the lot. My breath held in, heart failed a beat. I could never before have remembered seeing you as beautiful, perfect. I had only then truly realized what I'd missed these long forgotten years. Pictures never did you justice after all, nothing could capture your spirit. Can hold the beauty of your smile, but are forever lost without you there. They only tease me, never enough without your hand to hold mine and my rememberings. Shall trudge on through the day to day, darkness filling all my sight. Until her burning light, my eyes be filled, then truly start my life.

Listen'n to : N.I.N. - The Hand That Feeds Poisonblack - Hate Love Because I can. ========================================== forget those things you've said to me your hopes and dreams a million things you'll never need. the world around you watches you fade drifting through the nether quake. what's on your mind can never leave burnt to oblivion, seared in burning red the angry color of your skin on fire the world could watch you fall. fifty thousand flights of stairs drifting past you one by one. falling through the center line spirals twirling round and round corkscrew faster to the ground

If time had stopped I didn't care. My mind had frozen, breath was stuck, seeing her glide across that asphalt lot. That gorgeous woman I've always known. All those doubts and fears of old, forever now I feel are gone. ---------------------------------------- All I can think to write, not used to writing in a good mood. Can't say that I mind at all. I'd rather never write again. I'm sure I'll think of something though. -- maybe it's something you wrote, or something finally clicked in my head the right way. But, I can finally believe that things are going to get better - a lot more so. I actually feel.. lighter, I think. Don't worry about me, I'm going to be fine, great even. I'd like to share the feeling with you, so any worries you have, weights or burdens you carry, I'll carry them for you. I want no worries to burden your mind, and definately don't worry about them weighing me down. I feel like I could hold up the world. --

I'm that piece of gum you abandoned long ago. I was crushed, mangled, ripped apart, shoved back together. I've been blown up: stretched to my limit, then deflated. Stretched, toyed with, chewed up and spat back out in every way imaginable. You finished with me, sucked out my flavor, and stuck me on the bottom of a toilet. Left there to catch all the shit and piss humanity had to throw at me. Left with only the future hope of being picked up by the first retard that walked by to repeat the process. Or, to be scooped up by the drudges and cast away into the nearest landfill. There will be nobody that will ever have me the way you did, fresh from the package, teeming with life. You've doomed me to an existence of wasted garbage or tedious repeated assaults that will never be as sensual or needing as yours. You've had me at my sweetest, and I've lost all but that tiniest piece of it. I'll never forget that slight intake of satisfied breath as my taste finally touched your lips. I can only hope that you'd never forget me.

forgot to mention. birthday was yesterday. well, considering the time, day before yesterday (29th). Hung out with some my lil buddies first time in months. Didn't want them to know it was my birthday. Facebook betrayed me, so they wanted to know what i wanted to do. I'd have rather them just picked without consulting me like usual. Instead it was awkward. So I left early, came home and did nothing, like usual. I'm forgetting things more often. I'm finding myself waking up as if from a trance, at random times during the day, trying to figure out what I was doing. I can't concentrate, I'm getting more depressed as easily as I used to. Tired all the time, and I couldn't care less. I'm falling into oblivion.

I'm unmovable. Fallible. Hypocritical. Lazy. Untrustworthy. Unclean. Weak minded. Weak willed. Weak. Depressed. Alone. Unworthy. I've tried to change a million times. I always come up with the same old me. I would do everything right for her, but still get everything completely wrong. I'm a failure. Worst of all, I'm without her.

if you haven't caught the news. pure poetry-ish-stuff Diary of mine :: painfultidings check it out. oh yeah. don't forget sitdiary.net/confessional 'nother mine.

I can not seem to sleep a wink, I guess instead I'll write a dream.

forget the words you sang to me they're nothing but catastrophe and you'll just make the world fall on its knees. it's hate and hope that holds us close our veins that wind around us both, forever keeping you from drifting away from me. and i, i watch the world fall apart, fall in upon its self, fly apart as the cosmos break away. we're locked together in outer space both with smiles stuck on our face the only beings for millions of miles around. there's nothing left but you and me finally free to do as we please, but we just drift across the infinite nothing. our one last kiss before we fell and lost our breath to the endless hell of outer space's soundless symphony.

Woke up 4:30 am this morning, couldn't go back to sleep. Wandered around myspace because i was bored, found what She told somebody. Moving to Cali within a year. She wants nothing to do with me. She's not over Him. He'll retire, they'll move to Italy, and that's it. There is no "us" There is nothing. She's going to Cali, She's not going to give that up. I'll be left here, looking once again the fool. They say curiosity killed the cat. This cat's wondering just how bad death can be. Feeling nothing is looking pretty damn good right about now.---Edit--- 5:30 and sleep evades... --- hydrocodone + vodkaa + jager = damnn forgottten how it feels to be u ntouchablle haf anotherr of them inflections thingies. kidneyh shti, so i got more drugs. thesse damned things are tasty. havee work in.... 9 ish ours? thts going to be fucked up ohhh yes. ai hsould bprobablly be drinkging some water now so that i not hung over. or. gues still out of it. lneed to go lay down again guess im an idiot and i neber sse her agin FUCK noo wait..... work iiin 4 hours FUCCCKK a;alkfd whyh whoant if uckeing die fcuking stubon ass

That's it, I've finally hit that breaking point. Fuck you all, I hate you all. No exceptions. Don't comment me, don't call me, don't text me. Do not interact with me. I'm done with it.

i have this really annoying habit of looking back on things that give me pain. kind of a relive the stress and.. well something i don't know. I always find the word I'm looking for. that perfect phrase to fill a situation. It's sickening really. I wish I were stupid. oh my god I wish I were some fuck happy jerk. I don't care, I don't want to be me. I want to be the asshole nobody likes, instead I've somehow managed.. no, no I haven't. I don't know. I hate jay. i hate that i hate jay. and i hate the fact that i hate that i hate jay. because, i want to hate jay. i just want to steal her away, but there's too many complications. too many excuses. what the hell is wrong with me. i could be out with people, doing whatever. instead i sit here like a two year old. is it immaturity that holds me back am i immature? nobody else says so i cant believe me. something is wrong everything is getting worse. i know they're not real sometimes i have to rationalize they're not. it was never this hard before. i made myself see and feel death the way i know it again. i think my eyes were getting dry, just had to moisturize them a spot.

Heh, went to a psych (without parents knowing). got me some meds !! I warned'm meds didnt help me. mood-stablizer and anti-deps i feel like shit. though i must admit, it's fun watching it creep its way down. hahaha... wow.. hmm. doing some kinda funky bubbly thing. flushed the rest of the meds. stupid idea to ask for help from a phd i just feel hella worse than before. hey, i tried to do something. i'm get'n sleepy though, g'night.

Self-loathing is a despicable thing. It is ever growing, and builds upon itself. You find something to hate yourself for. Then you punish yourself. Those around you, that truly care, or love you see this, and are hurt by it. It hurts them to see you in pain. You blame yourself for their pain, and hate yourself more. Thus, causing more pain. All it takes, is for you to stop. Then your loved ones' pain would stop. Everything would be better. It is so much easier to hate one's self. And take the guilt, and the blame for the ensuing chaos. You take the weight of the world on your shoulders. You bear it, you take it, and feel it. You just have to set it down, lay it to rest. Everything will be fine. The world will keep on spinning. Just like it did the thousands of years before you. There may be damage. Your shoulders will still be sore. Your muscles still tight with remembered regret. But you'll have those that love you. They'll surround you, and lift you up. After all. It is far easier to be held, than to hold. After all. The weight of one person, being held by those that love them, is nothing. --------------------------------------- I'm sorry I've been an idiot. I'm sorry I've done everything wrong. I'm sorry I'm not there for you. Best of all. I'm not sorry anymore. Being sorry, is an admission of guilt. Proof, that you've done something you don't believe in. Something you shouldn't have done to begin with. Being sorry means that you should be sorry. I however, intend to no longer do what I shouldn't. I'm through. I'm done doing what's wrong. I'm done with being sorry. I think it's about time I start being right. ----------------------------------- It's time for me to be there for you. It's time for you to set the world down, and let me hold you until the aches, and pains go away.

I've had: two bottles of water today. and i feel like shit. how the fuck do you scrawny anorexic people do this shit.. I need a sandwich. Better yet, some fucking ramen noodles. I'm going to go eat. screw this shit. I still only weigh 125, so what if i have a little bulge. ---------------------------------------------------------- Ok, so the rentz seriously pissed me off this morning. I mean, I was packing up my clothes and shit. But, that little voice in the back of my head was screaming like a banshee. So, I still live at home. But that little voice, the one that keeps talking some of what little sense I have left back into me. He's starting to agree with me on some points. I'm tired of being dependent. I'm tired of living with my parents, being fed by them, having to owe them something. I LOATH owing people something, or anything. I want to be free, I want to be on my own. I want to be... with her. Every day is a struggle now. It's amazing, I think I've finally grown some balls. Too bad I have no cash to back'm up. I almost grabbed my things, and ran to Virginia. At the border, I would have called you, and asked you for directions. I would have stolen you away. I had it all worked out. gawd I miss you. I wish I could curl up around you, and sleep forever embracing you. I need my lil' spoon. FUCK ME I was soooo close to convincing myself to go. Can't be much longer. I'll save you love. My only concern. Do you want to be saved. ---------------------------------------------------- p.s. half digested noodles look gross ~rawr~

Being suicidal is not "selfish" nor is killing yourself. If you're to that point, then you have plenty of fucking reason to kill yourself. Anybody that wants you alive through that kind of self misery, now those are the selfish ones. And for the record, depression is not something you just get over. People don't want to be depressed. It is a mental illness. A debilitating, progressive, and dangerous mental illness. So fuck off. Did I mention anger management issues? Those can be fixed, but I rather like mine.

Might get an '02 trans am for a new car.. whee.. sorry if I don't sound ecstatic. Love the car, just not in a good mood. ---------------------------------------------- I: am the one your parents warned you about. am the one that will tear you apart, spin you around, and leave you wanting more. am the one that will end it before it truly began. am the one you'll regret for the rest of your life. am the one that will always provoke "what if" am the one that won't be at the reunion, because everybody else: they'll be the ones talking about how they never thought I'd be the one to kill myself. I'm the kinda guy that's a flame. Passionate, innocent love if treated right. But I'll never last forever, or long. I wasn't born for this world, or any other. So I guess it's time for me to head out. -------------------------------------------- I've always been scared. scared of what to do, scared of what not to do. scared of what i had or have to do. I'm even too scared to do what I should, could, need, want to do. Because I'm too scared of what you might do, or actually... not do.