If you are reading this: please, by all means leave a suggestion. If you're feeling further frisky, get your friends to read it, and leave their own suggestions. No, I'm not trying to get hits or some shit on this diary, considering the fact that I generally dislike people, and that I know none of you; I have a quiet uncaring as to whether I get large amounts of interest in this. I Only really care that the one person with a reasonable suggestion, that will help me, leave me their own spurt of wisdom. I am naturally a pessimist. I will examine every situation from every angle, weighing the possibility of failure, success, or something in-between. I will look at every outcome of every one of those possibilities, weigh the pros and cons, and then decide what to do. Furthermore, the action that I take is usually executed crudely, and clumsily, resulting in an all-together unforeseen outcome. I am old for my age. I am currently 18, soon to be 19. I have had two urinary tract infections, and a possible third coming. I've had bells palsy, lung problems, heart problems, severe joint problems (remnants of 12 years of soccer and 4 of track running), and have continued the severe depression that my mother's side of the family seems to favor. I have had one love in my life, went out with her on and off for two years, spoke with her constantly for another two, even after moving to another state. I have thought about her these remaining two years constantly, day by weary day. I had hopes to marry her one day, she even said she would one very emotional night. She is currently married to a Navy fellow and lives with him comfortably in Virginia. I'm not that Navy guy, and I hate him for it, even though I'm glad she is happy and would not wish it any other way for her. I think constantly. I will look at a wall, and wonder the thickness of its interior, and what kind of insulation it contains. I will look at a clock and figure in my head a series of mathematical operations I could preform on the numbers to make them into a suitable math problem. (ex. 3:26 { 3 x 2 = 6}) I can look at a web page and almost always correctly identify the Java code used on certain parts to make them perform the way they do. All of these things have been (slowly?) driving me insane. I have attempted to kill myself numerous times, and in very different ways: including but not limited to (hanging {the rope broke}, stabbing a knife through my arm {it did go out the other side}, cutting my wrist wide open, crashing my car at 80 mph into a tree, choking with my hands, drowning, and my own personal favorite: attempting to cut off circulation by cooking the inside of my left arm {and while not working, resulted in some fantastic scarring and interesting physical pain barriers}) Sorry for the lengthy post, but I've nothing else really to do because I haven't slept in about a week now. By haven't slept I mean that I literally have not slept (not that I've only had a nap or two) and I don't believe that it's contributing in a positive manner to my over all mental health. So feel free to comment, actually I encourage you to. Just want a little advice for stopping this constant jumble of pummeling noises and thoughts that occur in my head. Interestingly enough, reminding me slightly of a radio constantly changing frequencies so that it all runs together in a frustratingly bizarre mass of incomprehensible shit. And, so I guess I'll lay down now, and try to get some sleep, but really accomplish nothing but engineering impractical math operations that can be applied to every minute between the time of four in the morning and whenever I think I can get up and mom still believe that I went to bed.