huh?

by suicyanide
I looked down, and for the first time, my stomach was sticking out... wtf? I know i haven't really done anything in a while... my metabolism has always taken care of me... new diet... consists of Oxygen, and twice as much Hydrogen. in a bottle.. tasty.
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uhm, headband, big sunglasses, bangs, polka dots, moose jacket, that was all me. eyeglasses, chef jacket, ear plugs, bandana, that was all the ex.
106 can be fatal. haha, yea i think i vented at you cos i don.t know you and i can.t vent at everyone in my life trying to kill themselves cos i.m a chickenshit when it comes down to it. i.ve tried and i just feel like an asshole. but it.s just driving me nuts. it.s so unfair. and i am so upset over something i can.t control. it.s terrible. i hate this shit, ugh, i hate people. and i hate that i don.t hate people. and really, i actually love them
ew. stupid people and my love for them. haha.
oh, and what i.d give to be healthy all the time. you have no idea. i.ve practically been sick my whole life. i miss out on so much. and i hurt all the time. and i.m lethargic all the time. i.m useless most of the time, it.s really disgusting. can.t stand it. and it.s not like i don.t try to be healthy. i do everything i.m supposed to for the most part but health just doesn.t want me.
oh don.t get me wrong, i enjoy hating people too. i just am terrible at it. but there are some people... ooh. like this girl the ex is fucking... ew. don.t even get me started. yea i hear ya when i crashed i really wished i would have died. i saw your photos, how did you do that to your car? i blacked out before i crashed mine so i missed all the excitement. my car was totalled, too but i was hardly injured.
oh,the animals. those fuckers always get me.
maybe to someone who doesn.t get it. but i do. haha.

okay, look i don.t want to take the time to re-size all these fucking photos, but here is a quick glance for you to see what i.m missing. i have to unprivate this new entry. let me know when you.re done so i can erase it please? the photos are gigantic. it skews my whole page. sorry. idk why i miss her so much right now. ugh. she fucks with my head, does she do it on purpose?
uhm i.m the more femme one. big cheeks and bigger smile. huge boobs. yup, that.s me unfortunately. thanks.
haha okay so i just looked real quick and i.m hardly smiling my normal smile in any of these pictures. i.m making a silly smirkish face in most of them. and i.m driving. and wearing the bathing suit. holding the cigarette. looking away from the camera. yea, that.s me. darker hair.
whoa the more i think about it the more overwhelmed i.m getting. i.m really freaking out right now. i.m even on the verge of tears. ugh. sorry for all that. you are a good person to yell at though, haha.
oh uhm, idk little insecure sometimes? getting a reduction soon though, should help. i like little boobs too.
ah no matter how many night time pills and liquid medicines i drink i can.t fall asleep and my face still hurts. and now i have to pee but it.s almost not worth having to climb out of my brothers top bunk (yea, what 6 yr. old wants bottom bunk other than this kid) it.s such a pain in the ass to get back into. :/
hahaha not when you.re twenty but it.s better than the hardwood floor. if i weren.t sick i wouldn.t be here. i.m supposed to be in az right now. and i have a master bedroom in anaheim that i still pay for but it.s currently occupied by the infamous ex. i did it though, i got down, peed, got back up... wanted to scream cos every time i move my head builds up with pressure and i feel like my face is going to explode. my fever is back again.
i know. i think the meds are kickin in a little. cos i can.t see straight anymore. probably a good indication. goodnight doll.
is it terribly nerdy that I want to get into a chemistry discussion regarding your oxygen vs 2Hydrogen? because, by weight you have about 8 times more oxygen than hydrogen, but by moles yeah you have twice as much hydrogen. dur. if you want to kill yourself, you could always just get obese and let your arteries clog up. or did you want to look nice in your coffin? :P just teasin' ya, man. how are you?
haha it is hilarious reading entries.

but yeah i guess my welcome to sitD was quite unnecessary.

nevertheless good luck to you anyways!
hahaha, it.s most people besides you buddy! no, i can.t blame them. i don.t write anything worth reading anymore anyway. it.s just nice to get some feedback cos chances are if i write something long it.s only cos something is really bothering me. kind of a catch 22. i.ll live though, no big deal. i can hang, yo :)
I meant no harm, of course.
and it fucking pisses me off. i.m sorry, i.m having a little break down right now so sorry you.re getting the wrath but fuck, why would you do that to the people who care about you? i.m sorry you.re miserable but work it out. find things that make you happy. learn how to cater to yourself so you can genuinely smile. stop the massochism. grow up a little. enjoy life. it.s short enough as is. just be thankful for what you have. not all of us are
i didn't eat today too.

so i'm a bitchy fuck & you can be the silly prick.

You seem overly happy.
i have aim, but i have to add you first to let you IM ME because of stalkers and crazy ex's... what's yours?
i am naturally sarcastic, gets me in trouble sometimes. I'm not a big ball of gleaming sunshine myself, but carelessness makes up for that. i've known some real assholes.. I don't really know the right mood that fits me right now. Maybe, discontent?
damn, two bottles? just curious, why?
i try but i always end up bein like.. damn.. im fuckin hungry!
why would excedrin say hope? sweetie, do you really want to die or are you just bored? just curious, sorry if i.m a jerk about asking.
okay i will read up tomorrow. boredom is a really bad excuse, babe. sorry to tell ya. and suicide is a really selfish out. don.t you know this shit? i don.t mean to be mom here but don.t you see the things that make life worth it? we have all been depressed, myself much more than the average being but there are things that make it okay. i mean fuck, i.ve been stuck in bed for a month and a half, you don.t think i.m bored?
i mean, totally not trying to be a bitch but i.m a lot more depressed than i might lead on to be... my mom has been crying all day about how she wants to overdose and die and how it.s mostly mine and my brothers fault. trust me, i get depression. but i won.t sell out to something like that. i.ve lost a lot of friends to suicide and it.s crazy at their funerals. all these kids who thought nobody genuinely loved them were the most loved of all.
my metabolism always took care of me too! damn college and being lethargic..
lucky enough to have good health and shit. we all go through things. right now my entire life is in the heaps but suicide is not something on my mind. i used to be suicidal and all it did was make my depression worse. you have to want to be happy to get out of your funk. sorry if i.m an asshole but jesus christ i can.t stand when people think they have it so bad or need that attention. i.m not saying that.s you but ugh i.m just really frustrated
sorry.
i.m manic depressive as well babe, and i.m really sorry that you don.t want to hear it but at least someone is sucking up to you and is being honest. i think you.re a cool fucking kid. super cute, smart, funny, etc. but boo fucking hoo you.re depressed. who isn.t? if you want to kill yourself so bad then why haven.t you done it? cos you know you don.t want to die. you have said it yourself. i read it. i think it might have been in forever ever.
go back and read what you wrote. you know i.m right. are things really that fucking bad for you? what is it that you are so sad about? or is it just your manic depressive disorder that you can.t handle? i know how upsetting it is to not be able to do shit about how you feel when all you need to do is something little but fuck, you learn how to deal with it and move on. sometimes it.s harder than other times. but i.m sick. my best friend and aunt
are both in the hospital for attempted suicides this week. my dad died when i was seventeen. most of my family hates me for being gay. my brother won.t talk to me because he thinks i turned into a dyke and he was my best friend. my ex gf lives at my house and is fucking someone else with my same name. there are plenty of things more i could list of why i.m struggling right now like i can barely scrape up rent or i just lost my car to reposession
but i don.t let shit like that keep me down. yea it sucks and the list goes on but so does life sweetie. you know what i mean?
okay, sorry. it felt good to vent for a second. yea i got the myspace messages. sorry i didn.t reply, i.m a shitty myspacer, though i.ll admit i.m addicted, haha. uhm, the breakdown i think it.s from being sick of being sick and stuck in bed. having no energy. my ex. lack of sex life. some other stupid shit. like my mom. i.m worried about her. stuff like that.