i have this really annoying habit of looking back on things that give me pain. kind of a relive the stress and.. well something i don't know. I always find the word I'm looking for. that perfect phrase to fill a situation. It's sickening really. I wish I were stupid. oh my god I wish I were some fuck happy jerk. I don't care, I don't want to be me. I want to be the asshole nobody likes, instead I've somehow managed.. no, no I haven't. I don't know. I hate jay. i hate that i hate jay. and i hate the fact that i hate that i hate jay. because, i want to hate jay. i just want to steal her away, but there's too many complications. too many excuses. what the hell is wrong with me. i could be out with people, doing whatever. instead i sit here like a two year old. is it immaturity that holds me back am i immature? nobody else says so i cant believe me. something is wrong everything is getting worse. i know they're not real sometimes i have to rationalize they're not. it was never this hard before. i made myself see and feel death the way i know it again. i think my eyes were getting dry, just had to moisturize them a spot.