Today I fell and felt better // Just knowing this matters // I just feel stronger and sharper // Found a box of sharp objects what a beautiful thing... i got a box of sharp objects...he knew i cut myself...so what did he go out and buy me......like 7 brand new (sharp) {{stainless steel}} .::knives::. some are serated (sp?) and some straight as, well a knife...and a special knife sharpener if need be the blade gets dull...now why would he buy me this...it must be some sign that he wants me to slit my wrists more and accedentilly cut too deep and kill myself...ive been trying hard not to cut myself but its really hard...sometimes i slip a slice here and there because i just have to..i try os hard not to hurt myself, but its almost like im addicted..mayb i am..who knows..i damn sure dont moving on. . . my lifes just fucking boring..but some ppl like to IM me bc they are bored...like my life is that fucking interesting..it just hurts deep down that people talk to me just because they are bored..i still like it tho, it makes me feel like the actually care..but they are just pretending..at least they arnt complaining about somehting i did or didnt do, and pretend to be nice..i just with that they were IMing me to actually see how i was and talk like we used to and shit like that but..maybe someday, i can only hope...dont get me wrong i love it that they IMed me because that means i crossed their mind for at least a second and that just makes my day alot better...actually i dont know what im saying...im so glad she IM's me now because for once in a long time i feel there is something to be happy about...even if she does hate me (i dont know if she does or not, im praying not)its nice to "hear" her voice....i miss her, i miss them both..but at least we can talk on the internet..idk if i can handle in person because everytime i look in their eyes, and look at their faces i see the dissapointment i brought upon both of them.. i dont know anymore..what shall i do f.i.g.h.t.i.n.g.t.h.e.u.r.g.e. -ash