First off, Let me explain that the weekend of Sunday September 11 thru the 16th, absolutly sucked. Every night I was in a fight with my boyfriend, becuase of my stupidity and fears. Well, medium story short - Every night it got worse. Until it was about to end the relationsip (well, maybe not THAT bad - but it surely felt like it). Friday at 6 o'clock I picked up Ben from the train station in Southboro - and he looked kind of dejected, but then again he's like that often. The butterflies in my stomach that ahd lasted from Tuesday until he kissed my forehead and wrapped his arms around my shoulders. Then it just kept getting better. .... well - very long romantic story short - my life isnt falling to pieces anymore . in fact. its wrapped up in so much ductape that it could even keep our failing country together....

Now I'm depressed again... I think I might do the anorexic scene again this year, it worked when I was a frosh. I feel good now that I'm venting about this random shit. It's exciting to finally be single, alohough noone is interested... Brad's really been pissing me off lately - getting all up in my buisiness, and when I ask questions back he completely flips. How did he get over me so quickly? It took longer for him to get over Rita, and they didn't even DATE. I wonder if Mom'll let me take Papa Bear to Prom... that'd be sooo cool! I wish i were at camp, because none of this would have happned, and I'd simply be much happier there.

I figure tonight is as good of a night as any to start a little journal type-thingy. Alot has been going on this summer, alot of which I have been proud of, and some of which I have not so. But I'm finally free to express myself and my thoughts now that I have finally broken free from Bradley James Wachholz - ** I'm not here to bash anyone, so I'll tell it like it is ** - I know I loved him, and yet when people ask why, I cannot say. And now sometimes I wonder myself, why I endured those months of oppression. As in any dictatership; Brad intruduced fear, pain, and awe into me. Not that we are apart; I can see this, and although we did have some truly fun, and magical, times - I am sad that we went through the last months hating each other. He does have many wonderful qualities, yet they do not stand out nearly as much as the bad traits. The predjiduced, racist, opinionated, stubborn, ALMOST violent Brad is all that I see. When I think about the good times... he's PERFECT. Maybe it was his charming goodlooks that pulled the wool over my eyes. I am not ashamed of giving it all to him, though I'm sure that someday I will be. I truly did love him - but sweet things often ROT. As the SAT course started over the summer, I became re-acquanted with some old friends, among them Nick and Savana. And instantly a new friendship sprang up from the depths of deep mis-trust from my half. For 3 weeks, two of which we spent everyday talking, we bonded until we came to the point currently in question... Should we take it any further? Nick had been wiht a great girl on-and-off for 3 years, and yet I can't bring myself to completly trust another guy. Every night I wonder JUST how much Brad lied to me, and why waste all that time? So many questions leave me empty; unfullfilled. Nick, on the otherhand, is simply a great person and friend, plus he's kinda cute. *censurs an entry for the protection of another person* As for Ryan... dear sweet Ryan, the other night he came over to watch movies 'cause noone was around at his house. Naturally, for my away message I said: *Ryan's over - we're watchin' some movies; GIVE A CALL! * The next night, Nick came over to do the same things, so all I did to the away message was change the name. Brad apparantly flipped and was talking about "boyfriend tryouts" or some shit like that. So, I had to retaliate with something about about how he's never cared; so why start now.. or something like that. He didn't respond.

so last weekend was the weekend of ConnectiCon - the connecticut anime/stuff convention. thursday ashiee and I were picked up to go spend the night at Jesse's, and we were to stay through the weekend. the convention was great with meeting more people and i bought a bag for school - Samurai Champloo - which Jesse actually introduced me to earlier that weekend but is absolutly GREAT. i dunno.... Anime Boston was far better - but 'ey *shrugs* what can ya do... i spent 5 days with Jesse and we fell more deeply in love with each other. a feat that neither of us thought possible. the connection was electric *************************************************** i finally met up with Josiah who brought me the most beautiful earrings from Rome. They are very very fragile butterfly's, blue and green, like my favorite song by DJ Mystik. we then went shopping for OZZFEST 2006 --- YEY

Well, whats the point of a "live journal" if it isn't particularly live? I dunno. But I have decided to make an entry at least once a week, becuase thats just the way that it really should be. Well then, with that being said January was the last one and it was in a different language. well.... I havn't spoken with Ryan in a little bit because since his school let out he hasn't been around for me *sniffles* he's a great kid. *May 26 I attended Anime Boston and met some really great people, including my boyfriend and his brother. *I graduated high school on June 11 FINALLY! *Have been spending alot of time with my girl Ashiee. *Started a new job in Wayland/Sudbury waiting tables again. *am taking a college course at Quinsigimund over the summer...

¿Cualquier persona desea ser mi novio? ¡Usted apostó su asno! Ellen, dank u voor alles. De naamloze persoon is groot, misschien zal ik hem op vrijdag zien alvorens wij haar bij HolyOak gaan zien

wow.this is awesome. i have a life! tons of awesome new friends and a hobby or two. this kicks applesauce! got into 5 colleges so far, met people from the two that i really want to go to. and WPI kids are awesomeness too. I miss my Ellen tonz tho - shes over at Mt.Holy Oak. but hey - I shall see her again shouts to my babes ~ thnx for giving me the life that i missed out on a lil while ago. *kisses* NO REGRETS!

so. Ben and I are over. I don't think I have a heart anymore.. he took it back to college with him, never to be heard of again... 4/15 - 12/11

okay.. so ive decided to screw the whole password thing, and say fuck you to everyone who makes assumptions about about what i say on here. First off - i would like to point out that i use this thing to vent out the thoughts in my head. most of which happen to be irrational. but isnt that the point? to figure out wtf is going on.. .yeah. usually. dumbfucks Secondly - this is a trashcan for all of my stupid little things. and frankly if your gonna be a prick - piece off. thank you kindly and Thirdly - i dont give a shit Now - I will finally make another entry about whatever it is that i am doing right this second. so fucking deal with it. But I digress....... i'm bored. unbelievable shit has happened this week with everyone that i know. its terrible. i'll talk about it later cuz i cant type about it right now cuz i'll probably start crying. But to give you a little taste of whats to come.. people are dying, children are crying, and i cant mother the world. things are confusing with my own important relationships that i cant figure out because its difficult to talk to some people about some things.not even some things, but most things. but i guess i gotta work on that... love you

well, just for future reference, all of my passages will be private now becuase some un-named person was a douch bag and thought he knew me and decided to pass judgement. all of my passages will now be password protected, so if your some random person - IM me on ShadesofExticy and i'll give you the word, and if your a good friend i'll give it to you also. but until then.... take care now. buhbye

""...... Liars harm themselves, but if that were the only damage they do, we'd sleep better at night. The price we pay for lies we are told tends to be higher and the damage more painful. for those of us who value close relationships, lies can do harm to what is dearest to our hearts. They can utterly destroy a sense of intimacy, especially if one of the two people involved lies and the other does not. The shock of discovering that someone to whom you feel close deceived you can be tremendous, and the loss of trust and disappointment following the discovery can seriously impair, and sometimes destroy, a relationship….””

Today, at approximatly 1a.m. in the morning ; we lost the lives of two of the most beautiful women in the Country. Shauna and Meghan Murphy (G-D rest them) were in a single car accident that took both of their lives, and almost the life of Mel Smith. I hear now that she is doing very well after the initial surgery and will be out of the ICU in a week, give or take. "The Lord giveth; and he taketh" and he took the two most kind girls I've known. I didn't know Meghan so well, but I knew her as a child. And she was always so sweet. I knew Shauna for 13 or 14 years, and we were close for 6 or 7 of them. I'm going to miss her alot - but then again - so is the majority of two towns. After I heard the news I was stupid enough to call Ben... that was dumb. He didn't seem to care that two of my friends had died, and at the time we thought Mel was going to leave us too. I'm so glad she's not. He just didn't know what to say - but it didnt help that he wasnt talking ot me to begin with. At least he didnt hang up on me. that was really really nice. he still tries. its sweet. "look at the stars - look how they shine for you..." You two shared everything ; clothes, secrets, friends. And now you share death, at least neither of you had to bear this alone. TO JEFF - Two years ago you fought to prevent your good friend from leaving a party drunk... and now you have to bear and suffer your two baby sisters... our prayers are with you. but now, rest assured - we know who the two most beautiful angels in heaven are.

*in a sing-song voice "i loooove him"*

My world is falling apart. Ben is in the process of breaking up with me. All i've ever wanted was for him to be happy, but what hurts so much abotu it is the fact that he dosent want to even try to put things into perspective. without letting me understand. my world... is broken. i dont know what to do. hes making a decision based on this upcoming week, during which we wont be talking. its not fair. at all first he pulls the pieces of my heart back together. gives me somethign that noone else has, and then takes that away. and now hes taken away his love. without giving me a chance to understand. hes making such a buge mistake. and i know that because of the sacrifaces that id do for him. example - the abortion. was ONLY done for him. id have done anything to keep damien... but i did it for ben. so he could have a future. becuase it would make him happy. god. i'm so madly in love with this boy. theres no doubt that id go to any length for him. no doubt at all.

This past week has been a shithole and a half. Ben has been nothing but a jerk, and yet again its my fault. the redsox sucked (big suprise) and brought him really down. now, if i were his # 1 than that would not have been a problem becuase he still would have been happy. but now im not even sure if im in the upper 5. Dan and Andy tell me that he loves me, but he wont. whats the deal? He dosent even want to see me this weekend. big suprise. i hope things arnt ending. our 6th month is next saturday? (the 15th). its really hard to find the right medium of "i love you" and "you suck". hes not the best boyfriend that ive had. but hes the most important part of my life and really. it sucks. i'm so afraid of losing him. hes been such an important part of my life since i met him last year. i know that that when im with him or talking to him, or even talking about him, that im happy. why do things have to fall apart once i get used to feeling again?