how or even why things change like they do. im not depressed but im not happy. im just in an exzistance. ive been here before. where your so blank you cant even really muster one emotion to focus yourself on. i know things in my life are pretty good right now. i mean hell im better off then what i was three months ago and a year ago. everyday it gets better and yet i cant let myself enjoy it. i keep making these little stupid mistakes because i dont really think about what im going to say before i say it, or do before i do it. what i say and do cant be justified. it just is what it is and nothing more regardless of its meaning to me. i am one in a million and yet i blend right in with everyone and everything else. nothing i do is really mediocre, yet somehow it just fades into being just that if not less. i feel like i should be doing more but somehow im doing all that can right now. and my relationships? lol. i dont even know about them. the friends i have had for years now i almost just dont even want to see them anymore and its not because i dont like them - its becasue they are moving on and i want to step out of their way and let them move on. i feel like i hold people back. as into if i do or not... i dont know. i dont think i want to know. i told someone that i loved very much i didnt think it was right in my mind for us to see eachother as much as we did. that comment came out very wrong. i ment one thing and as expected they took it anthor. how do you fix something like that? you dont. i may have just lost the one person i really did trust and i probaly could have made it threw with because of my stupid insecurties and becasue of my mind. i hate myself sometimes. i have alot of magic and miricles in my life but im so wrapped up in my own that i cant see them, and that makes me just push them away. My bad luck has been caused purely by me, and i know i can fix that if i decieded to, becasue i know i have alot of power in me both physically and mentally. i could save the world if i truely wanted to. but i still hold myself back. i wonder sometimes. is this where im going to fall? or is this when i make my stand?