somedays i just cant handle anything anymore. its like everything just crashed down. like no matter how much you like someone, you know you can never trust then. so its like having someone there for you, but you have to be okay with having there family or boyfriend or friends know aboute everything you tell them,cuz no matter what they just cant keep it to themselves. I've lst alot of trust in everyone. I really only have one person who i can talk to..one person who knows me the best. and to that one person im everything, but to me hes just my best friend. And yet I feel like im making him see less of me everyday, its not meaning full but things just happen. My grades are going down, because im always busy with friends, its never ending and it hurts to know that no matter who you talk to, whatever you tell them is going to get out. I lost my sister to her boyfriend about a year and ahalf ago, i used to tell her everything and now...everything is say her boyfriend HAS to know, and then ever since then its just been friend after friend. I cant take much more of thing at all. For now on i think i would just be better if i was that Perfect little angle that did things for everyone and not caring about herself, the one that never says whats wrong the one that always kept things inside, the one that has to change who she is just so she can fit in with everyone and never have a real chance to see who she really is. I have so much stress and crap going on in my life that i notcie every little bad thing there could be. everything i say around the house I get yelled at for, and then they notice that it hurt so they say its a joke, right after they said it so seriously. Your house is one place where you think you could just be who you are and let all of your feelings go, because its your family and you think they wouldnt mind seeing they should know who you are and understand. But not for me, i have to act happy every day, my parents keep pushing me to be ther perfect little child they always wanted, one thing i do wrong, even if its a simple thing like leaving a wraper on the ground right in front of me when im playing a game, and knowing i will pick it up when im done. They make me do it when they ask, right in the middle of what im doing, they dont care, as long as it makes them happy, everything is good. I mean you cant bug them when there in the middle of something, they will just wait untill there finished to get to what you asked them, but by that time you dont need there help, or for them to do something for it, because you've stoped what you had to do, for that extra thing. and what do they do, yell at me for doing what i asked them to do, just because they had to start doing it when it was already done. I have to act happy,everyday it hurts alot to have to do that, and to have to cry everytime no one is looking and then to have to stop only to have 5 mins to let my face not look like ive just been crying. It hurts because when I dont act and when i show my feelings i get yelled at, i get trust taken away from family members because i wasnt doing what they asked, I get in alot of shit just because i was grumpy or stressed or sad, it just makes me feel like they would care less and that they just will yell at me untill i am happy. and yet it hurts when i ask for something that i truly want to do and they say no, but then i just turn around go to my room, cuz im sad or mad over the fact that they said no, and then they see that and change there mind just cuz of my emotions, it pisses me off that i HAVE to be a certain way just for my parents to see how important something is to me, its like telling them isnt good enough, and you have to show them. It hurts when you look at your parents, or your family and see that they have no idea who you are, and it hurts because theya re the ones you've been living with all your life and yet they dont have a single clue who i am. and it hurts to wake up every morning and knowing that i have all of these great things that would normaly make me soo happy, but yet deep down inside, everything is hurting alot and nothing has changed for a long while, i havnt been happy for one week straight ever since skewl has started i havnt smiled and ment it for one whole day. I havnt felt that great feeling of wakeing up and wanted to go to skewl, in over 4 years, i know that feeling will never come bk, but the feeling of happness will. I know that i have everything to make me that happy, im just not letting it, I cant, or at least not right now, i have all of these stupid little things going on that make me wanna scream and cry and just not go on anymore. All of these things just makes me want to leave, Go away for a few months or so. I want to so bad, and i need it, I want to run away without telling my family and just see how they react, i want to see there faces and know that they have realized how much pain they have made me go through i want to come home one day and smile around my house and not have a feeling of cry every single time im with my family members i want to come home one day and not be the one every one else is counting on, or not the one my parents expect so much from. I want to just walk in one day and have that feeling that someone in that house loves you and you know that just by the feelings around you. But for now, I just want to take a bus somewhere far away, leave a note and just try and live my life out for ahwile. I wanna just go and take all of my stress and feelings out, i want to just relax and calm myself, i want to think of everything and understand myself better, i wanna find out more about me, i want to just have sum fun time with myself, and live life the way i should be living it, I want to be able to trust more than one person i want to be able to sovle things just by thinking of them over night, i want to be able to figure my problems out by myself, I want to be able to talk about my feelings instead of keeping them inside. I want to be the person ive been wanting to be..