here we go again... Good memorizes, of the most perfect life anyone could ever ask for. I mean if u had such a wonderfull life..which had bad things in it and at the time u hated it. but losing what u had and going someplace that is worse..and u seeing that no matter what u can do nothing is gunna change cuz u cant go back to that perfect life for u. And what u have now is practically nothing? i mean theres about what 7 other people that went to. and for all of them..everything seemed to work out better. I mean one of them i talk to and she misses it too. but not as half as bad as i do. shes happy with what she has and knows that she has what she wants and is fine with it? I dunno sometimes i wonder about her. but anyways, Im happy for all of them i really am. and for most of them b4 it wasnt that great and they moved for the better. I look at them and you can tell how happy they are and how well that they fit in. then u look at me. I feel so misplaced and im sicka nd tired of being who everyone else wants me to be. Im sick of changing who i am just so a person can like me. Im sick of having to try and get my old life back with everyone thats new to me. I wasted 3 years of my life and i know that thoes years will probably just be forgotten.. or remembered as the years I "tryed" to bring my life back. I mean there are people that ive met that i will never forget but thats a whole different story. For one thing.. Jordan wow that little kid was great everything i could have asked for from a little kid was there. he was like a little brother ive always wanted. but now..its changed when he see's me its just an oh hi and thats only one n awhile. *sigh* And basically thats justa bout how everyone else is too. theres the odd phone call and what not but..this isnt about my friends so i'll stop. i mean Im just tired of having to be the perfect little child, cuz im not but yet thats what gets expected of me, im tired of acting and im tired of having to just do what ever someone tells me. im tired of listing and most of all im tired of having to just let myself break down and have no idea how to stop it, but just make it worse. I mean the last time..2 nights ago for example. I was having this talk with a friend on the phone and i mean it was good and all untill i started reading over my old Diray. it sucked cuz it made me cry. Alot, it reminded me of the things that i can never get back into mylife. and yet going on at the end of the phone call i realize something else..something ive always never wanted. im still thinking on it mind you but it just seems like i need someone to be there for me. and I just always bring that person down and find myself pushing them away after words even tho i no that i still need them. and I find that I just have the worst times with them after words, and i hate the fact that everytime i get to know someone, by the time i do they dont even no the frist part of who i am. Losing what i had left, and learning from things that i did in the past, made me scared of people getting to close, and ever since then..I mean do i really have someone that i can talk to?...maybe, but just about a few things and now..just like 2 times b4 im finding that i just need to move on cuz its at the point where they are getting to know just about all i want them to know. I dont mean for it to happen..it just does and it hurts me more than anything to lose a person but sometimes i just do stupid things. well let me change that..ALOT of the time i do stupid things. I no i might get in crap for this, but hey..im Bailey i can handle it right?..ugh..I mean i feel like this one person just is pushing away from me, i mean if hes ready to just go, then he can but im not ready just to let him go, im happy with what he is doing, but it just hurts to see what he has accoplished so fast..it makes me think everything was just a lie. and from what ive heard..not just lately but from the whole year, its been werid and its been like i cant trust anyone..not even that one person. which i will keep doing but ive heard so much crap about everything and i never know who to beleive, just cuz of sum stuff im losing people in believing me..and normaly that doesnt happen much. then again its there choice, they've moved on and there happy like they should be. I still have a little hate for that person inside but its only getting better. I dunno right now im just in one of thoes blank mood where u no that something is wrong and yet theres so much feeling going though you and different ideas on what it is that u cant really talka bout it, and when people try to talk to you, you just bicth at them so they will no something is wrong with you, but yetf or me.. noone really has time to realize that so they just yell at me and bitch back and say all of the shit to me which just makes it worse. noone really in my family ever has time for me. there more busy with little things rather then getting to know there own child, I know ive mentioned this b4 but its the worst feeling to look at your parents and see that there smiling bk and someone that they have no idea who they are. Then again for me thats something that alot of people do around me. I dont really give them a choice tho. I no I need to change and i want to be who i used to be, but I cant be that person. at least not around alot of people. I mean there is this one guy..that no matter what time in my life and i see him, he'll make me smile and be who i was, he makes me feel just like old times and I love it. And that guy means alot to me, but im trying to move on and it hurts to no that everyone around you is trying to get u back with this guy, but i dont want that, i want to be able to move on to the next guy that makes me feel that way, and if i just go back with him, it'll just make all of my trying to find another guy that makes me feel the way he did useless, and not just that but all of my attemps to get over him..just seem pointless and i hate the fact that no one gets that i no matter how much i can like a guy im happy with what i have right now. I mean im trying my life at different views and im done with trying to get my life back to the way it used to be cuz no matter how much i want that, i cant always get what i want no matter how easy it seems for me, its not. I have to realize the place im in now and just deal with everything the way it is. Cuz i no not everyone has the most perfect life and they go and live day after day like it, not saying that i havnt been doing that but, I just hate the fact that I have lost what i did and how it made me think of everything and how i am now cuz of it. and it makes me think of how i would have been if i was still there. Alot better of a person...more me and who i wanna be. I know i would be alot different..some bad ways tho, not always good, because i would still be obessing over guys one after another, and maybe even have a new boyfiend every week..haha no..that would have changed there too. But wow I dunno...there so much shit that i can just go on and on about, But im hungry and not in the mood for writing more and starting a diff. Topic. .Love.You.Always.Xoxo. Bailey.