As sleep eludes me...
Today has not been the greatest of all days, it would be better if i could just fall asleep and forget most of today. Sometimes my mind runs into over drive when i become anxious or stressed and overreacts to every single thing my mind thinks. It twists it, contorts it and makes it something i think i want, something i don't know if i actually want or if its something i only think i want.
I leave in a couple of days for Florida to see my father, who i miss dearly. I will be gone for 8 days. While Mike was away, it was difficult to be alone. So when i come back for the 3 whole days before i leave again for college, it will be the most difficult. I attempted to figure out our status today. Where we are and where we should go. I guess in a round about way it was me trying to see if i could bare to be without him. This change, this monstrous, bigger then me , change has be torn, stretched in so many directions that I'm so afraid of being away from him that i would rather end it now then feel pain later.
He and i will be nearly 6 or more hours away from each other. Long distance hasn't worked before for me, it stressed thing to where they failed miserably. The last thing i want to do is to fail. I don't want to be that girl. The one who was cheated on to become the cheater. I don't think i could possibly do that. But then again since that happened i don't know much about myself anymore. I care about him, more then i think i should. I was hesitant to start a relationship since i knew i would be leaving, going so far away. But somehow i let myself get carried away, and here i am. Afraid to be broken or to break.
I always had this idea, of how i should do things in life. How college is meant to date and experiment. I'm not saying i would whore around. Not at all. Just date. But Mike. I have him. I don't want to loose him, let alone him as one of my best friends over some idea i had, that may or may not be right for me. And who's to say anyone would actually date me anyways. Every time i talk to someone i end up freaking them out with my crazy banter about nonsense or how i loath the news.
My ideas of life put me in this place. I don't like not knowing who I will spend the rest of my life with from the beginning. I don't like the delay, the confusion, or the fact i have to have patience. I want my looking to be done with, i want it to be like in the books. Where you know from first sight. Though i don't think i believe in "love at first sight". I want it to be out of my hands, to be chosen by some "alternate force", something i have no control over.
I want that true love, the kind that is something you know. Something you don't have to question, but know it.
Believe it.