It's quite strange to be this happy.
I remember back about 2 or 3 years ago. I was the epitome of depression, of self loathing, and pain. All self inflicted. I had the opportunity to change. I had a few friends. but somehow i just couldn't look at the good in things. I was falling.
i was in 2 long relationships in this hell of a time. i tried to lie to myself i was happy, that this is where i was truly happy. But it was just convenient, it was repetitive and that gave me a bit of comfort. I was too afraid to be by myself for what my mind would do to itself. i knew that it wasn't the happiest place, or where i really wanted to be, it was just. what was in front of me and i was too stubborn to turn my head and look at what was around me. Maybe i felt like i wasn't allowed to due to whom i was with, but thats my fault for letting such a person have such control over me.
i was settling for what i had, and i wasn't going to fight for what i truly deserved cause, that was too much effort.
needless to say that last relationship fell apart, and right now. I'm so fucking happy it did. i was over the whole ordeal faster then expected, faster then i should have if it meant so much to me as i once said it did. well after that whole ordeal i was happy. and not the "life is basic, nothing really all too good or too bad happening, this is good" it was the "my life is amazing and i now see why."
i have friends, i have my strange strange family, and i have mike. But before all those, i have myself and I'm happy with who i am. I'm done changing for people unless its for the better. I'm don't compensating myself for others. My ex, well he was a jerk to say it nicely. I was not allowed to talk to guys or have them as friends. I was never allowed to dress how i pleased if it was the slightest bit revealing. He got upset. And since he did that to me, i did it right back for spite. it was a dysfunctional relationship to say the least. When i found out he cheated, i still wanted to forgive him. i was so far in that i was too afraid to leave, i felt compelled to stay since i lost my virginity to him. the prospect of marriage now frightened him even though he was the one who brought it up when we first started dating. when he and i ended i was distraught, i forgot to eat and sleep and live. then i got over it, haha. it was fast.
i didn't want to fall for another person for a long time. i wanted to be single and be me. but who was i to say no to my feelings? I'm not the type to suppress those and ignore someone because i may or may not like them. Needless to say, i feel for Mike. It may be mean but i don't think I've felt this strongly for someone, even with my ex's. I don't think i have cared this much about one person.
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Being happy by myself was something i learned with a shitty experience and i hope no one else must learn that way. I found out who i was, i found myself through all that. Once i had that weight lifted, there was me. Broken and vulnerable and i rebuilt myself. I cant express how completely happy i am with who i am, what i want to do in life and who i choose to be around. I have the life i always wanted, always wish i had.
I hope to help Mike find that part of himself as well, and any other friends of mine that would come to me for the same help. It just feels so refreshing every day to wake up and be happy its a new day. To be happy in general .