It's been a pretty good day for a change.

Lately Caity has been crazy stressed out about finances and stuff and its really pit the strain on our relationship. Usually she comes home and complains for the rest of the night. She has been generally miserable to be around. Yesterday I confronted her on it relentlessly until she finally told me a little about what she was feeling and thinking. I made her promise to be a little more positive and I would try my best to help her.

I still don't emotionally trust her and I tend to want to run and hide to avoid being trampled by the rampant emotions of my crazy wife, but today was better.

In other news, I deleted my facebook page. It has been difficult to fill the time that facebook took up but so rewarding. I feel like I have motivation to be social again. I no longer feel like I'm am missing out on the awesome events of the world and I can actually do stuff. So far all I've done is take a trip to salt lake to wander around, but I feel more social and that counts for a lot.

I also took up photography and am trying to find a way to make some money at it. I think I need to change some of my personality traights. The two thoughts seem un-related but I will try and show you the connection. I have noticed that nobody ever follows through on what they say they are going to do around me. If they say they will help me, they usually wont. If they say the will be somewhere, they usually aren't. I used to think that people were just sucky and flakey, but if I've learned anything from being married, its that other peoples behavior around you can usually be linked back to you. I like the idea that I am responsible for my own success or failure, so I need to find what personality traits make people want to help and congregate to me, rather than avoid me like the plague.

I really do wish life were easy. I have always believed that by being smarter than the people around you, there was a real chance you could achieve more. I believed that by planning ahead and being smart about my choices, my money, and my work, I could work less hard and earn more money. Lately I've realized I'm a victim of the new American dream (get something for nothing) and I'm really depressed by it. It's not that I don't want to work for my money, it's just that I understand that everything requires sacrifice, and I'm realizing the things I'm willing to give aren't worth much.

I'm really worried about my future. I'm about to graduate and I want to find a nice comfortable job in a nice city where I can take some time to learn more about who I am. but I feel so much pressure to get a job that I feel like I'm about to step into a dead-end carreer and sink into the pit of american mediocrity. This intense pressure has me at least a little on edge at any given time in any given day, and sometimes far more so.

At the same time I am trying to grow into my own personality, I'm worried about what of my personality doesn't fit with where I am now. I feel like some of who I am is damaging to what I am, most noticeably, my role as husband. Its hard to try and dig deep to find my passion, only to find that most of my passion comes from my penis (forgive the bluntness). I love art, and I love women. Only one of those works well with the wife, who I really do want to make happy. It seems a little like it's a choice to avoid that part of me for now (maybe a shrink can sort it out later).

I'm also worried about religious chaos and the events of the world right now. I've moved a little into left field from my previous religious beliefs. It's not to say I don't still believe in God, I'm just trying to figure out why he's supposedly so judgemental and controlling, yet when I don't do what "I'm supposed to," my life doesn't change any and I feel better about myself. Meanwhile the part of me that believes in God explicitly sees all the chaos in the world and it's really unsettling. I remember hearing "wars and rumors of wars... earthquakes in divers places... the seas heaving beyond there bounds...secret combinations..." as signs of armageddon, I think all of those are as prominent as ever and I worry that the world won't find equillibrium this time. I see a lot of people making a lot of really stupid decisions in politics, in school, at home, and in their lifestyle choices. I see a lot of really greedy people trying to meet their own ends and I am becoming on of them. I really want to find a way to fix our political system, to return to a system that relies on the people to make smart decisions and a social system where people do make smart decisions. I want people to understand choice and consequence in a way that makes them better. I don't have much faith in people these day's though.

I see the constant meddling in the middle east as a likely cause for a religious feud that will leed to war. I see americas ignorance and pride as a cause for economic failure and instability leeding to the failure of the american system. I also see that pride leeding other countries into following the american system into a black chasm of chaotic destruction. I know I sound like glenn beck, but I think the government is trying to enable people to get something for nothing. They are further inflating a giant bubble of human stupidity and they are running out of resources to fill. I think we are all trying to fear monger everybody into doing things for us and its frustrating. I wish we could stop all the finger pointing, back biting, assanine stupidity and try and be civil for a while.

If you're still with me I guess your a masochist, but I guess the point is I wish humanity were at it's best. But all I can see is a steady increase of humanities worst.

At the heart of this all, I guess if your reading this you either have really bad luck, or are a really great friend. I could use more friends, and if your the unlucky one, so could you. Please, take some time to make your world a little better, reach out to someone, make life brighter, say Hi to me or someone you haven't talked to in a while. Because if you play by the current rule set, no one is the better off. It's time we stopped trying to join a world of fools and change them, and started to band together without them.

anome