When all aground you Are busy clothing bares Then we may let you in To greet a rather different kind of King

I don't want this journal to be deleted. it is an excellent link to the past. what have i done? how long ago was the last time i wrote in this? Now I am 19, going on 20 in less than two months. So much happens when your age is two digits, starting with a one. the last time I wasn't, I was 9. Now I will be twenty. I've met so many people. I smoke weed every day. Sometimes three times a day. I've lived in Rhode Island, Boston, and Norton. Boston, and cities in general are my favorite right now. I've been a cashier, a hostess, a telemarketer, an intern, another intern, a picture framer, the girl who puts up posters, a lab monitor, a camp counselor. I've had sex with somewhere between eight and ten, with maybe regret, but maybe i don't care enough to regret, maybe I am happy to have something to regret, that I am blinded by my senses, their exploding nature, that I can do so much and be happy in such a whirlwind. I've felt my eyes, nose, and mouth bleeding, clotting, choking on my own blood, seen the police report that says "broken bones." I still have never broken a bone, but I do have a scar in the back of my right eye. I am left handed, left sided anyways. I've searched for love. love love love. Males have cried to me about how they love me. I've felt an array of things, that whatever I say otherwise, are not love. I'm closest, now. This one named Sam. We do not love each other. But we understand. We make it up as we go along. He is transitory, just like everything. I've done more drugs than I could have fathomed when I made this. marijuana, alcohol. I smoke a pack every 5 days. I've snorted suboxone, vicadin, adderol, tylenol. I've tripped three times in a month, shrooms, acid. I've broken down and started up. I've started up and gotten nowhere, I've gotten everywhere though, before knowing I started. I've cried for hours and hours in bed, I've danced in the streets and walked to far away dunkin donuts at 5 in the morning, I've roamed cities when you shouldn't I've gotten fat. I've gotten thin. I am not done - all of this, everything that has happened It will happen again. This too makes me happy - I am not done living. For a time I was so sad that nothing could even make me sad, all there was, was sadness. Now I feel, I feel tenfold, and nothing can tear me apart, I don't think, minus loss of my parts, mind and body. Because in the end, all you have is you. It is really all you are given. You are there, for everything you do. No one else, can feel from the perspective of your body, so do it well. I feel more together than I ever have. But who knew, ten years ago, that life has so many pieces? Its a maddening conundrum, this world I perceive. I am so happy to be alive. I can do so much. You do so much as well, so much well. It is just a different so much than me. It's good to remember this. I'm going abroad next semester. Copenhagen, Denmark. Another home for my list. Legos and colorful houses. Speaking Danish. I like to document. I want to take pictures, I want to write about the pictures I take, what my mind produces. I want to do that with the rest of my life. I want to remember that I exist, with all of you.

hi. i don't know i just need to write again. so i just spent a long time laughing a lot with zach. he put a story in french in a google translator, it was about jewels. and the subject came out on the other end as toilets. then we looked at washington post things. i have a debate tournament tomorrow at PC, i am hoping that i can tell the driver of our vehicle to take us to federal hill so i can get my sheet from berge. ok so what to major in is a big thing on my mind. and now i'm thinking english is a good idea. but i don't find it to be enough, i want more. like say english, philosophy double major. english, philosophy, studio art. shrug its driving me insane. i keep craving really good ethnic food, or areally good salad. like the one i had at the moroccan restaurant in montreal, or a flatbread company salad. i really want to do well in school. i'm hoping to take 3 classes over the summer, and work 2 jobs. shrug. i like zach. and i want to get back to my room and sleep.

this journal makesme feel not so bad about deleting my myspace, this thing is amaaazing yes i just wish i could go back sometimes. to being that like, oblivious. i feel like i havent given any updates, i am a different person than i was say, 2 entries ago. lets think. it was just spring break. i went to montreal with michelle, meredith, and maria. i am obsessed with cameras. and i like amrican apparel far too much, and i got into a really bad car accident over winter break, and i now have 20/200 vision in my right eye. tyler was driving. i have this new boyfellow who is zach. i don't know how i feel. like i just wrote a very complicated book and it could have been better. but not really a book, more like a sculpture that you start making, and you have no idea how it will turn out, and then you stop and look and think, oh my god it looks real. like someone really made that. i'm in love with life, don't get me wrong. i love being alive. and sometimes, i think and i want to explode because theres so much emotion in doing so why ponder life's complexity when the leather runs smooth on the passenger seat

i wish i were one offering condolances, but . happy birthday. i hope its better than what i've done i missed the concert. and i missed you. because we talked. i thought of baby penguins. the whole way home. and licking your face at coldstone me and yuka went to boston to see joanna newsom, however... she was sold out. we wandered somerville and davis square. i bought a cute art book, poetry book, postcards. oh gosh this website is cute, i completely forgot it was.

hey you. i'm in college now. i enjoy it. i don't know anymore. i meet lots of fun people. i have pet illegal turtles from chinatown that are as big as a quarter. and my fishy. my rug looks like astroturf. i eat zbars. and clifbars. i went to the mfa and i got coldstone with alex. i visited her simmons world too. her and lys came to visit last week... it was nice. i went to boston a couple of weeks ago and got stranded with tyler, greg and shannon from american university. i kinda want a tattoo. well today i do. tyler is coming to get me with steve. we're going to a party in smithfield. i guess. i like my classes. i learn about kooks commies and the KKK. and art history. and writing. and italian. come stai? abbastanza bene, e tu?

lots has happened. lets just say... wheaton college class of 2010. :)

so i visited stonehill, and yes it's very nice, and yes, they have amazing internships and academic opportunities and blahblahblah, but i could not possibly go there. i would be miserable there. i just know it. so my choices are basically st. mike's, uvm, clark, and simmons. uvm is unlikely because its big, and not exactly the "best value" laid in front of me, st. mike's is a bit more likely than uvm (same great location, much better value, small school, etc.) and my most likely? simmons or clark. you see, simmons is a tiny all girls school... in BOSTON. amazing location, and really good academics. and they have given me a 10,000$ scholarship, and a spot in an honors program that only takes around 27 people a year. but i loved clark more than anything since forever ago. but it's in worcester. which is a scary / boring city. however, there was the phrase... "worcester is boring to boring people." so yes, i will be sleepless til may 1st, and maybe sometime afterwards. wish me luck? kids are dyin' out in the snow, look at em go, LOOK AT EM GO!

i feel as though i really want to use this diary. i feel a need to cleanse myself hygenically, and by hygenically i dont mean tooth brushing, but that could be included. i feel like i need to decorate my room organize my closet and buy some new spiffy clothes. of course i come up with this right after x-mas / my birthday. but anyways, i feel that by doing this, i will help myself spiritually. or well cut all that i found a better way to say it. i want to have an organized life and i think an diary will aid me in that. of course i could have just drank a cafe au lait this afternoon and it could be a passing thing, so i might get out of this mood by tomorrow. sorry if thats the case.

i have been accepted to: URI ($2,000) RIC (idk yet) st. michael's college (idk yet) simmons college. ($10,000) i dont think i'll know anymore before march but ya never know. i didn't know with simmons. bloo. at least i have places to go :) i like getting into college!

ok so i've applied to 10 schools now i just have to mail the stuff out. get rec from riggs mitchell and assemble portfolios for wheaton and colgate. =) the list of all the colleges alyssa b. keil has / will have applied to attend after her senior year in high school: University of Rhode Island (got in, 8,000$ centennial scholarship) Rhode Island College Saint Michael's College Clark University Simmons College University of Vermont Stonehill College Wheaton College Skidmore College Colgate University. so...

does anyone remember that movie snow day? i wish snow days were like that. umm so my morning has been plagued with scrambled eggs and CSS profiles. applied to: uri ric st. michael's skidmore clark in their entirety. applied common app to wheaton still have supplement. and left is colgate simmons PC. idk if i want to apply to PC. i might go back to sleep sometime i woke up at 6 and couldnt. i read through all my old entries i must sound very immature and small and i am ashamed of myself.

so far vacation has been good friday - shopping with gabby, val's party. saturday - christmas eve, had to work 7 hours. but then i went home and ate nice spaghetti and scallops and shrimp. sunday - christmas day! i got gifties - memory card for camera, cover for indie ipod, a picture of a kayak and a picture of a cell phone (thanks dad) andd gift cards. gift cards. tyler came over then i went to his house. gifting exchanging. monday - i almost dont remember. went to spend gift cards with tyler, except only he spent them. ate at fridays. gah went to his house. tuesday - tyler ran to my house, i gave him ramen, we read horror stories, drove him home. me pink and allie drove around. from cumberland to lincoln to smithfield to burrillville to north smithfield to blackstone to woonsocket and back. i have a fascination with places such as blackstone douglas and uxbridge. got dunkin donuts hung out at a creepy park told ghost stories about camp hoffman went to pinky's and talked lots. got really scared that night and called tyler at 5 am and woke him up cause i was afraid. wednesday - me and ty wanted to do something different so we went to apple valley cinema to see king kong. old and tiny i loved it. movie was way to long. i got scared of the people in the movie so i called him again last night. after we went to newport creamery. reallly nice. then i went home and did college apps. today - family birthday party at home cleaning and doing apps. if you actually read that idk. gah. i can make you satisfied in everything you do...

there's still something i can't deal with and i haven't a clue why. it's eating out my insides. rejection perfection loneliness. but its something else. theres a complex in me. on a topic of something. i don't know what. i just don't feel right. i almost had a heart attack going there, almost drove into a telephone, and couldn't tell left from right. there's something wrong. in me. something.

i hate my parents. no i really really do. its so cliche and teenage. but i do

i really hope i get that job, and go to the beach tomorrow. and i can't waint until 12:01 AM SATURDAY WHEN UMM... HARRY POOOTTTTTERRRRR!!!!

i feel like i should tend to this more, i always felt as though sitdiary was a worthy investment of my time. i just cleaned out a drawer and a cabinet thing in my room. i have eaten two cinnamon buns today. i feel like having a sleepover in my backyard sometime soon. :) oh and i have my license. i need a job though. tyler's coming now and i really want to go to panera. anyone else? oh yeah, and i really want to hang out with like, YOU this summer. yeah. YOU

it is summer. i get my liscense soon. i'm pissed at my parents. i have job interviews. at target and a children's photography place. i'm crossing my fingers on the second one cause i don't want to work at target. if i end up working at target i'll just have to search wrentham to death. everyones um, away. tyler is not away. but he'll be gone for 3 weeks at the end of july / beginning of august. ima cry. i went to ogunquit. i love it there. i can honestly say that, if i don't give a shit about you, then i do NOT give a shit about you. i like that. =)

A- Age you got your first kiss: 14.. or 13. i don't recall. B - Band listening to right now: alanis!!! C - Crush: umm... tyler? D - Dad's name: wayne britton keil. E - Easiest person to talk to: hmm. tyler, or pink, or val. i guess in order. F - Favorite bands at the moment: arcade fire, i think G - Gummy worms or gummy bears?: pineapple gummy bears. H - Hometown: cummbahland I - Instruments: that i've played? sax, and guitar. J- Junior High: NCMS class of i think '02. yeah. K - Kids: ..no. L - Longest car ride ever: quebec city, and syracuse. M - Mom's name: maria sandra ciavatta. like the bread. N - Nicknames: cabbage. haha. of course. O - One wish: at 11:11 of course P - Phobia[s]: down escalators. Q - Quote: of the day? d o w n and thats the way we get down. R - Reason to smile: hmm. ive come a long way, baby. S - Song you sang last: bam thwok! T - Time you woke up [today]: 6, layed in bed till 6:50 U - Unknown fact about me: umm i'm going to the dentist thursday. V - Vegetable you hate: carrotsXcore W - Worst habit(s): procrast-- so overused. X - x-rays you've had: none. i've had an ultrasound though. Y - Yummy food: pepperidge farm cookies. Z - Zodiac sign: sagittarius. centaurs and arrows, oh my!

eeeee, prom friday :) in study, in the library, 4th lunch i get to take video of our horrid cafeteria.