okay. dying to spill me. i can't stand what i am half the time. and right now is one of those times. i feel like a blob. like a blob of nothing. but not nothing. like i'm something.. and i have the tools to do stuff.. but i can't. its like in beauty and the beast when beast turned into a human and he was just staring at his hands in disbelief. i think i've been doing that my whole life. i think i'm doing that right now. i had sort of a disfortune to grow up in a place that is a model suburbia. and i don't live in nowheresville.. i live in anywheresville. and the people in anywheresville are.. like anyone. theres the people. and i could explain.. it will take awhile.. i'll add it later. and all my life, the people in this town interacting with each other, to be simple, happily. sure they got mad over petty things. and sad over petty things. and proud. and glad. and triumphant. and they were nice. for the most part. and i just stared and watched. now me. of course i fit into this mess somewhere. in the beginning i just sort of sailed through, staying where i liked it. and i never really thought. but then i got to thinking. and i'm still thinking. because i don't feel like i belong anywhere. i've gone through countless friends, countless enemies. and i hate looking through the little peepholes into another's life. profiles, journals, conversations, material objects, etc. because it's all so.. cute. everythings cute. they all have people they've known since they were one, the one they met in third grade, the people they could care less about, the practice they need to get to in 10 minutes, the family reunion next month, the concert they're dying to see, the sleepover that was yesterday, the inside jokes, the memories, the physical traits they love and laugh at... and it goes on forever. they just have life. and a gazillion times more than me. and it feels so.. lonely. i don't know where i fit in. i don't know if i have any real friends. if i do, i must have about 1 or 2. the only time i ever hang out with anyone is if i tag along. and fight to find out. or if i plan it myself. i hate that too. its mostly people i don't know as far as the peepholes. but it happens with people i know too. i hate it. i don't need a load of friends.. i just wish i were normal. but then again, i'm just another person around.. complaining about the petty things. because they're all petty. and in the end, life is one big petty mess. i just hate it. i have no real friends. i have people i hang out with, the people they hang out with, and the people they hang out with. and i just tag along. and no one ever tells me of anything. and i guess that bothers me. i guess i might get some pity invites after that :-/ well i didn't put it out just perfect. and i don't seem to fit into any category.. but the immobile blobs.