this is my last entry on sitdiary i never realized how draining this whole ritual is... ...thinking of things to say, keeping hidden from *eyes* that shouldn't see what i've written... ...trying to make myself believe that writing helps rationale... ...it's all bullshit. psychobabble. drivel. whatever you want to call it. i'm glad i'm out of this habit.

self-loathe. nonstop. i hate how people dig their little noses into my business--especially teachers, keeping me after class, questioning me, you know... i never thought that life was created to be despised so much.

what is this goddamn life for? this weekend was a fucking hell at work. constant streams of people for hours on end. never enough people to cover the checkouts. never enough people to get anything done. never enough shit to do. i swore to myself at this time last year that i would never, ever go to another plymouth dance. i went. an exchange student (who i am helping with english and shit) asked me to go. rather sheepishly, i said yes...but realized (all too late) on saturday night that it was a bad choice. i had no desire to do anything but sleep after work last night. my day sucked. plain and simple. i got home...showered, etc. i had just gotten out of the shower, and my date came to the door. (shit.) i felt like a real bitch. he never understood that i would be late to the dance...so he called while i was at work and wondered where i was. (i suck at life. at everything.) so i walk out into the living room, and i... fuck. i'm just a fucking bitch. i could tell he wasn't having fun at the dance. he couldn't dance. he saw our friend martin dancing with my sister (salsa, like any sudamericano should...) and he tried, but he has no sense of any rhythm. the poor boy. i tired him out, bored him half to death. and i still got a little kiss on the cheek. i never know how to act around people.

my first semester is worthless. i can't help it to have a horrible attitude about my classes. after all, i don't have a real class until 11 am (calculus). it's ridiculous. i'm going to madison on sunday. i'm a little nervous about driving my car for such a distance...i worry about throwing the car into the wrong gear (on accident) and wrecking my car. or worse, getting into an accident. eek! this class is miserable. "let's talk about adulthood." fuck that. "what is an adult concerned with?" sex.sex.sex.sex. "what is an adult not concerned with?" other people. three steps back. undo UNdo oh shit you can't.

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The SurveyName:***** maeBirthday:29.5.88Birthplace:chicagoCurrent Location:plymouthEye Color:blueHair Color:blonde/brownHeight:5'5"Right Handed or Left Handed:rightYour Heritage:norwegian/german/russianThe Shoes You Wore Today:little ballet slippersYour Weakness:brie cheese and crackers (mmm mmm!)Your Fears:spiders and beesYour Perfect Pizza:fresh mushrooms, peppers, olives, pineappleGoal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:graduate without killing myselfYour Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:lol!!!12121!1Thoughts First Waking Up:mmm...i think i'll sleep some more.Your Best Physical Feature:my hairYour Bedtime:anytime i want, dammit.Your Most Missed Memory:being a little kid (except for being punished)Pepsi or Coke:neitherMacDonalds or Burger King:subwaySingle or Group Dates:i hate boys.Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:both suck.Chocolate or Vanilla:vanillaCappuccino or Coffee:teaDo you Smoke:noDo you Swear:fuck yes.Do you Sing:if my voice permits...Do you Shower Daily:i would kill myself if i didn't.Have you Been in Love:noDo you want to go to College:maybeDo you want to get Married:i'm not sureDo you belive in yourself:probably not (?)Do you get Motion Sickness:nopeDo you think you are Attractive:not especiallyAre you a Health Freak:almostDo you get along with your Parents:not reallyDo you like Thunderstorms:my favorite!Do you play an Instrument:i play six.In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:mmmmmm just a bit.In the past month have you Smoked:nopeIn the past month have you been on Drugs:alcohol (?)In the past month have you gone on a Date:nopeIn the past month have you gone to a Mall:yeah (the mall to end all malls: mall of america)In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:noIn the past month have you eaten Sushi:no -_-In the past month have you been on Stage:yesIn the past month have you been Dumped:noIn the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:noIn the past month have you Stolen Anything:noEver been Drunk:noEver been called a Tease:noEver been Beaten up:almostEver Shoplifted:noHow do you want to Die:any sort of painless accidentWhat do you want to be when you Grow Up:a travellerWhat country would you most like to Visit:japan or icelandIn a Boy/Girl..Favourite Eye Color:greenFavourite Hair Color:anyShort or Long Hair:eitherHeight:any (preferably not too much taller than me...)Weight:don't careBest Clothing Style:an original styleNumber of Drugs I have taken:1 (?)Number of CDs I own:almost 300Number of Piercings:twoNumber of Tattoos:the fake one on my hipNumber of things in my Past I Regret:what are regrets for?CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

only one of a kind. my darling michiko (and her adorable sister, yukiko) have arrived! it felt good to see her again...and to meet yukiko-san. they looked amazing--michiko dyed her hair brown, and they both got loose perms. i can't believe they still looked so good after a fourteen-hour flight! more about them later.

yes, i know you read this. the truth sucks. i know this myself, after having experienced it (and lived in it) for more than seventeen years. but being alone is the worst part of it all. that is the only point at which one is able to realize his or her true self. i'm almost thinking that it's the only way to be. it might be that i'm too picky for the rest of the world, but i won't settle for someone unless he proves to me that he won't be imploding inside of his rather thin outer layer. i suppose that this is why my girlfriends are all leaving me, too. i can't stand the drama anymore. i think they can tell that i've had enough. i know they've had enough of me. that's okay. so have i. this next year must go fast, or i might drown in this brine of self-pity and high school drama. it's more trouble than it's worth, really. this whole 'teenage' shit. methinks my car is sexxxxay.

whoa! i'm talking to michiko's sister (yukiko), who i'm going to be meeting two weeks from today. (?E?Í?E) ^a bird she sent to me. five weeks from now, all will be back to mundane normality. -_-

my bike is going to look kick-ass by the end of the summer. i just bought handlebar grips that match the color of my bike. they look like cash. i just wish that the rust on my fenders would go away. -_- last night i started planning a scrapbook page (or two) for the osawas' visit here. these next twenty-two days won't pass quickly enough. (!) my new job is going a-ok! i'm getting my override tag today (i think) so i can do everything myself instead of having to find one of the other audit girls(ladies...some of us are pretty old!) to push transactions through. my boss said that (probably) after next week that i'd be on the audit schedule, which means that it will be a gargantuan pain in the ass to ask off. oh well...i guess i better have my shit together!

"i'll give you a call." my ass. anyway, aside from uncomfortable encounters with selfish friends, life has been okay. the shows were good, the tea warm, and sleep very nice. my (most probable) highlight for the month of july occurred on tuesday. coheed and cambria came to milwaukee. i sat in front of their stage for about six hours, trying to save seats for all the friends i thought were coming. i thought they'd get there much earlier, but they didn't. it was all right, i guess. looking back, those few hours of solitude weren't so bad. it's not like anybody knew me there... but sam and libby finally appeared, and the party started. it was a fantastic show, with lots of claudio's hair flailing about. his solos were amazing. it was intense. uuurrrggg tooo muuuucccchhhh sub for dinner. michiko and her family are coming in exactly 24 days. ^_^ (my entire month of august hinges on her! sweet darling, that little girl...)

life (or lack thereof) is getting the best of me. my best friend finally got back from south carolina (her week there seemed as if it were forever) and we hung out almost as soon as she got off the plane. that was fun. i love being around her. but i wish she wouldn't tell me some things. after we'd had dinner with conor tonight, we drove to elkhart lake for our concert. all along, we half-bitchedly talked to this girl who's in the band with us...dropping hints that she pissed us off. we still tried to be nice... but anyway, we get out of the car and see the ice cream stand at siebken's resort. lauren, obviously as a result of some stream of thought, mutters "i wonder if abby's working tonight..." who? "abby. you know." but she's in germany. "no. she's not going until august. she didn't go on this one." and she hasn't called me? "oh, she doesn't ever call me, either. i have to call her." but still... "oh, don't worry about it." (end of subject) don't worry about it? this is the girl who we were both almost married to...sort of. in our friend-type way. my other best friend. the girl who offered me her brother's room when things got too intense to handle here. and she doesn't even tell me that she's not going to germany after all. not a phone call...nothing. the moment her name came out of my mouth, a rush of hurt and disappointment flooded my brain. all i could think of was her disconcerting nonchalance with her travels/nontravel. i'm not saying that i want to write her off, but this is getting too frustrating. she doesn't invite me to anything...doesn't call me...doesn't tell me anything about her life anymore. she's so wrapped up in her boyfriend...become so selfish and preoccupied with herself. she has no perception of what her actions are doing to most of her non-boyfriend types. a vast majority of her friends do not have boyfriends. all of them are concerned with other people's feelings, what they've been doing, where they're going. all of them are concerned with their real friends, not the ones that have come as a result of the new relationship. she has to realize that peter will not be around for her after she and dan break up. peter will feel the same way toward her as dan will: bitter. but she goes around, buying/making him extravagant, thoughtful birthday and christmas presents. she never once remembered me on either occasion. i spent a lot of time trying to find her something fun...something that she might find useful. i didn't even get a card from her. so every day, i sit on my ass waiting for someone to call and say, "let's do something!" because, as i now know, i have no idea who's home and who isn't. there is a real reason why i have been bored to tears for the past two weeks. i'm beginning to think that i can't stand people anymore. tonight my mom said, "don't listen to anyone's advice about relationships. just work and travel, alright? forget about the kids, getting married, screwing up like that. okay?" i'm pretty sure that i'm going to listen to her. ironic.

lately, i've not felt the urge to write. i still don't. excuse me, for a while. don't worry. there are plenty of things to write about.

holy shit. so i met/saw moth on saturday night (the only thing i asked for for my birthday) and it was really sweet. (next entry will be completely devoted to this.) but yeah. every day i'm more convinced that my friends aren't as friendly as they used to be. and it's sad, but i'm almost looking forward to breaking the relationships off. i need a fresh start...new people. i can only give so much of myself to other people for so long (and not get much in return) without thinking about what is really going on. one of them has concerned herself only with the goings-on of her boyfriend. another is crass, bitchy, and over-confident in herself (no, you are not a good singer--and your acting stinks. don't try out for the plays). yet another puts herself on a pedestal, and looks down from it not with the slightest care for the feelings or needs of anyone else. except her idiot boyfriend, sometimes. notice how these three all have boyfriends. next subject... sam was a sweetheart. before we started marching today, she ran over to me and said, "find me after the parade! i have your birthday present!" honestly, i never expected to receive anything. from anyone. (i never really mentioned my birthday to anyone who would remember...) but after the parade (etc.), we walked over to her mom's car. she made me a really sweet shirt (of the 100% orange type of artistry--cutecute!) and bought me a japanese movie (appleseed). and, apparently, more is coming. she's amazing. i was afraid that i'd really messed things up with the concert and all of that (i didn't feel that it went too well--our conversations were a bit uneasy), but i think we're still good. which rules. ^_^ i bought myself a violin on saturday. the strings need to be replaced--but it looks pretty good. no cracks, warping, etc. the bridge looks good, too. = } -end of broadcast day-

MICHIKO IS COMING!!!!! i started bawling today when i heard it. it was supposed to be a surprise for everyone (including me--how sweet of conor!) but conor's mom told tecwyn who told me. (conor didn't want tecwyn to know, either. for other reasons.) i'm a little glad that i do know--i have something to look forward to at the end of the summer, and i can plan to stay around for my best friend in the entire world. it's a great feeling! today was full of such intense feelings...happiness, surprise, suspense(english class was a doozie--we finished reading the script for a streetcar named desire and...whoa.), excitement, rejection, tension. happiness and surprise are because of my dear little japanese girl. excitement: during band today, we went outside to practice for the memorial day parade. sebranek decided to take a different route today...and he ended up marching us to chester's! it was a grand time. i got a baby sherbet/vanilla twist cone. it was delicious. it must've seemed funny to all of those people driving by that the band would be marching across the street...on the sidewalk...away from school... but it was exhilirating. rejection and tension: i think the person who i'd considered my best friend is giving up on me/us. she doesn't seem interested in conversing...about anything. we'll pass each other in the halls, and she'll ignore me. every time. it's disenchanting, to say the least. i feel some tension while i'm around her...she always seems kind of...indifferent. ah well. she can have her "icky boy."

i'm really sick of my job. not much i can do about that, for now. sometimes, i feel as if i've lost my friends. it feels bad, but it doesn't. most of them i'd like to leave alone, but it's just that they're so clingy, sometimes--when they feel like it. they can be as aloof and careless as they please, and then all of a sudden, they'll come back around to giving a damn. and it gets irritating after a while. because many of those people are, many times, visibly uninterested in what i have to say. that's fine if they don't care. but if they don't, they shouldn't try to cover their asses. let's just get it over with already. there is one person who i really still count on, and i'm pretty sure that she won't give up on me and my hopelessness. lauren is the best.

AAAHHH! aAAAAHHAHAhhhhhAAAAGGGGHHHH! i've died and come back. the bright eyes/the faint concert was fucking amazing. i never knew such phantasm. sam went with me. it was quite the experience. -quite.- the computer's broken. so. i won't be writing again for a while.

wow. if i were my mom, my mothers' day would have sucked. really fucking bad. my siblings were being idiots the entire day, from what i gather. and then my dad was trying to get some stuff down from the rafters in our garage, and accidentally dropped something on the windshield of our new suburban and shattered it. (eep!) i came home, and sat down next to my mom. she started crying. we were going to go for dinner at our favorite restaurant, but she doesn't feel up to it anymore. t-minus six days and counting until the concert of my life: bright eyes. i really hope that sam can still come along.

so he hasn't called me. hasn't responded to the comments i've left him. i don't think he cares. i can't stand to get all excited over people who end up acting like this. it seems like everyone does this to me. am i too clingy? eccentric? loud? i don't get it. nobody ever tells me what's wrong with me. it's like i'm all of a sudden supposed to understand why people don't like my presence. how many hints can i drop?

i think someone found this thing, judging on how it's been read. but that's okay. what the hell do i care? so today was a really shitty day, after last night. i met this dude from myspace (who was working at the coffeehouse i was at) and we did karaoke and had lots and lots of fun (and tea!). but today sucks. i'm afraid for abby and the situation with her sigother. i think that dan might be getting a little selfish lately. or maybe it's all the time, and she's just glossed over it until now. i'm not sure. saturday ought to be interesting.

he's home! yay! oh. that kid (the other one) gets it, i think. sort of. i left a very impersonal blog entry on myspace referring to people who won't leave me alone. he's so paranoid that he gets it, but he won't believe it. it's so sad. i'm going to spend the rest of my life feeling sorry for that lazy little bastard. in other news, he's home. he is home. and i get to see him again. fr3nz13d hands0m3, H3lLo!