some idiot blackhat hacked into my shit and rendered my computer worthless, as far as networks go. i can’t log on to my cable connection anymore. whoever it was dropped some shit somewhere in my computer and corrupted all of the networking drivers and files. i’m fucking pissed. there’s not much i can do about it. just back up my files and -wait.- i really hope we don’t go to mexico. if we do, i think i might ditch them (my family). maybe not. i just need to get out of here...away from everyone. i can’t stand it anymore. not even the people who really love me (and whom i love back equally) seem as a solace to me. not anymore. i feel like i can’t talk to anyone anymore. my best friend has, as i can tell, forgotten about me. she’s so caught up in her relationship with her boyfriend that she has no time for anybody else. not even herself. she doesn’t allow me to talk to her during class worktime anymore—she has to use that up to actually work (never the case before this year...[!]) so that she can have more time with her boyfriend. there is no time for me anymore. no time for lauren anymore. no time for heather anymore. i wonder if she even thinks about me anymore...or lauren, or heather...or anybody else but herself and who she used to call “icky boy.” (i’m the one who convinced her not to call him that behind his back. i thought it was terrible.) her brother (little more than an acquaintance of mine) probably thinks more about me than she does. i’m not jealous of her boyfriend for all of the time and attention that he’s getting from my friend. in fact, i’m happy that she finally has somebody. but i feel that she goes around rubbing the fact that she has a fantastic boyfriend into everyone’s faces. i know i’m insecure about my relationship-state at this point. she knows i am. i wish she wouldn’t make that (her amazing relationship) the object of her everyday. she hasn’t suggested going somewhere together for 3 weeks. she came to a party a couple weeks ago (b/f on the arm, of course) but left shortly after arriving, saying that she “needed” to write her “paper.” i know that she wasn’t writing her paper. the rest of us at that party knew that she wasn’t going home to write her paper. for pete’s sake, she was with her boyfriend. she damn well knew that she wasn’t going home to write that paper. she was only leaving to go somewhere to be alone with her man. it hurts. i used to tell everything to her—but now she doesn’t have time for that. she doesn’t have time to sit around and vent or listen or anything. there’s nobody else i can tell all of my deep, dark shit to. nobody on this earth. i’m beginning to think that she doesn’t really care. the other day, she came back to school after being sick for a couple of days. she damn well made sure i knew she was there. and the fact that she was back at school mattered to me. but i don’t think it matters to her whether or not i’m around. i have one other best friend. i love her to death, but for the life of me, i can’t tell her anything too juicy. i tell her something, and i hear it from the weirdo at the locker next to mine. i don’t like that. i don’t like my personal life being spread around school like a contagious disease. really, though, i can tell her almost anything. fuck though. if the other best friend moves away (in four or five months, she might have to move to cleveland, oh...for her dad’s job or whatever...), then i really don’t have anyone left for me to confide in. there won’t be anyone who i can connect with on every level...nobody who can really understand me. my two best friends have known me for a pretty long time, i’d say. the one (with the boyfriend) has been a friend of mine since 6th grade. i’ve known the other one since we were in gymnastics together in 2nd grade. they know where i’ve been. they know what i’ve been through. it’s hard to find friends who know so much about you and still care to stick around. of course, i have other friends. but i can’t feel completely comfortable around any of them, for one reason or another. one is too church-y (i can’t stand religious pressure). another tends to talk to me for a few days, then ignore me (i still love her, anyway. just a darling). another sometimes trivializes my problems, and tries to think of solutions for them. it’s belittling. still another just doesn’t really connect with me. i still love her, too. one of them is really superficial and tends to make up a lot of stuff to cover her ass. she’s fun, but i can’t relate to her much. i have two other best friends, but they live in japan and korea. it’s difficult to maintain a steady stream of contact with them. but i tell them everything, too—when i get the chance. all i do is hurt right now. i can’t think of anything else but hurt. every life is worth something. i just can’t figure out what mine is for, yet. i suppose that in time, i will. but i don’t want to wait any longer.