blog entries from myspace.com: ****************************** Saturday, March 12, 2005 Dreams are nothing more than a constant disappointment yep....I fuckin hate this....i mean....i just want to give up on genna...but i can't......all i have to say is....genna...i love you..there i said it...oh and one other thing....could we maybe talk sometime.....now that i am done with being a dumbass i am going to watch homestar runner.. __________________________________ what the hell am i doing well i was of course a total dumbass last night....i didn't even get to really talk to genna...god i don't know why i even try. i mean its fairly obvious that she does not feel the same way..so there is no point on really trying anymore...i wish it would work out but whatever it just won't.....(sigh) right now i would give anything in the world just to be with her for a day _______________________________ well deh if anyone say my last post well i removed it...i had a change of heart...i think...but i still have much more to say to genna...soooo yeah ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ all this after the musical on friday night. it was the fucking freakiest night of my entire life. it's uncomfortable to walk in to your own school, look up, and see someone in reflective sunglasses staring at you. even more unsettling to me is that this kid spilled his guts to me just over a week ago, making me not want to talk to him--but i was forced to talk to him. i had nothing to say. really. he followed me everywhere...waited for me...stood around and made me uncomfortable during intermission and after the show. i had a job to do that night. i was an usher. i was looking after my youth pastor's little girl (which, i was glad to do--especially that night!). i ran around with that little girl on my hip for the entire night, and i was not going to divert my attention from her for some kid who, well, you know. i was responsible for her, and the rest of the balcony, and i was not going to ditch my responsibilities. at one point, he tried to follow me up in to the balcony. i just told him that i couldn't allow people up there (one of the directors was doing some theatrical type stuff up there which was supposed to stay a bit secret...) after he tried to make an excuse for having to follow me around. after the show, i had some stuff to give to my friends in the musical, and i chased them around for a good half-hour or so. that kid made his friends wait around for him to talk to me. finally, my mom said "i'm tired. let's go home," so we went. and i was so relieved to get away from him. my next action: to send an email to him, telling him why it's best that we're only friends. he needs to understand. finally. it's just so hard for me. i'm so stressed out from school and having to quit everything--and then all of this. i can't handle all of this psychological stress. i have no outlet for it. he needs to understand. he will understand.