I've seen so many people drunk, and been drunk quite a few times, so you'd think that a little drinking among friends wouldn't be anything MAJOR. Well, I was wrong. I went to my friend Ashley's house, for some alcohol action around a big bonfire. Well, somewhere in the drunken mess, somewhere around all the random innuendo, things happened. I saw my friend Nate worse off than I've ever seen him, and deep down, it bothered me, and I can't say why. He was really giddily drunk in the middle, and something happened to piss him off, and I don't know what. He wouldn't even talk to me before I had to leave. I've never seen Ashley drunk, and man, she's a good time. But, when I left at 12:15, she was worried about my mental state, when, by then, I had been sober for quite a while and was on the upswing. Her concern felt strangely maternal, and that also bothered me. These are two sides of two friends of mine that I never expected to see, but what happened to me was even more strange. Shannon's sister was there, and we've NEVER liked each other. Never. And quite frankly, I've never wanted to like her. It was too much effort, and I had to work too hard at it, but it began to become a requirement to be civil to her when I realized that it would make Shannon happy. So, all this time, I've been hiding this grudge, like oil under slate, like the things your brother or your Dad doesn't want you to see when you're trying to clean your room. I always thought Amanda was out to get me, out to make me and Shannon unhappy. And for three solid years, I was right. And she admitted this to me. And I admitted to her that I hated her. That's why I visited Kelly in March. It wasn't because I wanted to keep up with old friends like I told Shannon. It was because I didn't know if I could keep up with making Shannon happy how she wanted me to do so. I didn't know if I could keep biting my tongue at someone that I can't stand just to make her happy (Amanda). I couldn't handle feeling like no one wanted us to be happy, and I couldn't handle feeling like whatever I tried to do was failing. And when Shannon flipped about Kelly and what (almost, but didn't) happened, she wanted to leave me and I almost let her. Why didn't I? Well, because I realized how stupid I was being. What an asshole I was, how depressed I was for feeling like I couldn't please anyone. Things turned around at mile marker 124 on Interstate 95 after my visit to Kelly when I realized that there was nothing to hate. Unfortunately, that realization came about seven days too late, since the shit hit the fan after the visit. Amanda's not all that bad, you see. She has grown up, and time has treated her well. She's not the same person I once begrudged, and the problem wasn't with her. It was with me. And I knew it. What does this have to do with the party? Well, Amanda and Nate had a chat. Apparently, both of them are jealous of me and Shannon, and both wish for what we have. We're getting married. We love each other. We'll never let one another go. And while Nate is jealous, he is happy for me, and wishes us nothing but the best. And somehow, that compelled Amanda to admit to me the same thing, that the grudge was no longer there because I really do make Shannon happy. It wasn't always like that. I treated Shannon badly at times when we started dating. I hated it when she went places. I wanted her in my sight, supervised, under my thumb. I didn't want her to have contact with her family, for fear of what they might do or say about me. I was scared; I was a coward. And I had to work so hard to change that. It took three years. Three solid years. And I hated Amanda because she embodied everything I hated at the time: Shannon's family, a threat to the one good relationship I had ever had, the fact that I had to treat her civilly just to make Shannon happy. That made Amanda hate me in response. I was the way I was, and it bothered her, and she never quite realized why I was that way until recently, when she put two (my mother leaving and my wrecked family life) and two (my huge sense of insecurity) together to get the hint about me. I don't have to try so hard anymore. I can deal with Amanda, and she can deal with me, and that's all Shannon's ever wanted. I've been desperate to make her happy, and I never used to think I could. So, then and there, at the huge drunked bonfire, Amanda and I set our truce. No more hate, no more grudges. We're not best buddies, but there's no more trenches in which we can fight. And then and there, the war between the both of us was put to rest. Something I never thought would happen while I was drunk and trying to stay on the ground. Afterwards, I told Shannon what she needed to hear about the conversation: about how sorry I am for everything, about how I never wanted to let her go, about how much I love her and about how much I'd do for her. About how I'll always be hers, and I'll do anything I must to make her happy. About how I'll never be the same as I was a while ago, and I never want to be again. About how I can't wait until we're married and until we're old, wrinkled, with cigarettes and cans of PBR, reminiscing about how long we've been together, and how much we will have survived. All that emotion and conflict, all that buried in one night. It feels good and peaceful. It's so jumbled and hard to read and explain, but it feels good, and I don't know if you can tell, but it's hard to contemplate how easy it was to look Shannon in the eye and tell her everything after Amanda and I said our peace. It felt wonderful, and I walked around thinking about so many things, and letting it sink in, just because I couldn't believe that such a long stretch of anxiety and bitterness was finally closed, and I could go on to concentrate about other things. Like next October. Like grad school. Like the future. Right now, everyone's probably recovering from the booze. My friend Nate may still very well be passed out, Shannon went home and Amanda stayed back. And I'm here, in one piece, and feeling like my cross suddenly got a lot lighter. If none of this makes sense to you, or you want elaboration, leave me a comment and I'll give you the details. This entry's just too long to go further. I'm gonna head to bed, and wake up to the rest of my life, which, suddenly, I feel like I've finally earned the right to have the way I've always needed it to be. Shannon, I love you, forever and always. Amanda, thanks. I needed all of that. Beer in stomach, thank you for making me honest. Bed, here I come.