(ok, things are gonna start moving really fast now, because the storys getting pretty close to the end, so you really have to pay attention. keep an eye on the dates and time thats passing and stuff. and dont worry, its not ending this chapter, or next chapter, or the one after that. dont keep asking me if its over. youll know when its over) Chapter 30 – Lost To Love The phone rang a few nights later at around 10 o’clock. February 9th, to be exact. It was Karen. “Lily…” She called softly when I answered. “What?” “Jesse…” “Jesse?” I asked confused. “Jesse… He…” she seemed to be incapable of saying more than two words at a time. “What about him?” “He’s… He’s…” “He’s what, Karen?” I asked her impatiently. “What happened?” I kept asking over and over. But somehow, I already knew. I just didn’t want to believe it. “He's...He’s dead, Lily.” I dropped the phone and sank down onto the couch in shock. “Lily?” I could hear Karen’s voice calling from the phone. I scooped it up and held it back up to my ear. “…I’m here.” We both remained silent for a few minutes. “What happened to him?” “He committed suicide.” “How?” “He shot himself. They found him a few hours ago.” I could feel my eyes begin to burn as tears formed. I tried to hold them back, but it was a futile attempt. “Lily, are you ok?” “I umm… I have to go.” I said hurriedly, my voice cracking. I slammed the phone down and began sobbing uncontrollably. My god, it hurt. A little while later, I heard the front door creak open, and someone walked inside and over to me. I looked up and could faintly see Kaira through my tears. “Hey…” She said softly. She sat down next to me and put an arm around my shoulder. “I heard about Jesse… Karen called me… And I thought you might need someone here.” “I’m fine… Really…” I said thickly, trying and, once again, failing to stop the tears from falling. “You don’t seem like you’re fine.” “Why does it hurt so much Kaira? I don’t love him anymore… I love Nathan. So why does this hurt so fuckin much?” I managed to get out with difficulty. “Well… Just because you love Nathan doesn’t mean you didn’t love Jesse too. You can’t just stop loving someone Lily; it doesn’t work that way. And Jesse was your first real love… They say you never totally get over them.” I buried my face in my hands. “Hey, come on Lily… Don’t cry… Everything will be ok again soon.” “It’s my fault Jesse’s dead.” “No it’s not Lily, and don’t even think about blaming yourself for it. It’s his own damn fault he’s dead, he’s the one that pulled the trigger. Not you. And if you want my opinion, I say, good riddance.” I glared at her. “What? It’s no secret that we hated each other.” “Doesn’t give you the right to insult his memory.” I sighed. “But it is my fault. I told him I didn’t love him anymore… And I walked away from him… I hurt him Kaira, I hurt him so much that he couldn’t handle it.” “No you didn’t. You did the right thing when you walked away from him; he was an asshole! I mean seriously, what kinda person would try to make you choose between him and the guy you truly love? If Jesse had really cared about you, he would have wanted you to be happy, and he wouldn’t have tried to screw things up between you and Nathan.” “I know…But still…” “No! No buts Lily! If Jesse-” brrrrriiiiiiinnnnnnggggggg!!! The doorbell rang, surprising both of us. No one ever used the doorbell; they always walked right in. Kaira and I stared at each other blankly. The doorbell rang again. “Uh… I guess I should get that…” I stood up slowly. Kaira hopped up and pushed me gently back onto the couch. “Stay here, I’ll get it.” She walked over to the door and opened it. A short-ish girl with large-framed glasses and a face like a fish shot into the room, heading right for me. I looked up at the person in slight surprise. “Mona, what-” “How the fuck could you do that to Jesse?” “I…What?” “You came onto Jesse, and when he turned you down, you blackmailed him to try to get him to dump me!” “I…What?!” “No wonder he went off and killed himself, you left him no other choice!” “Mona, what the fuck are you talking about?!” “It’s all right here, in the letter he left me.” She said, pulling a piece of paper out of her pocket and holding it up. “He said that he loved me and didn’t want to leave me, but that you left him no choice. You ruined it for me, it’s all your fault he’s dead!” “WHAT?!” “Yeah, you heard me! It’s all your fault. You’re lucky I don’t turn you in to the police for murder! But it was Jesse’s last wish that I don’t have anything more to do with you.” “Are you fuckin kidding me with this?!” I asked, jumping quickly from surprised to pissed off. “Do you honestly think I would go after Jesse when I have a great guy like Nathan?! I never fuckin wanted Jesse, especially after I found out he was dating you. Do you think I’d ever date a guy who dated someone like you? I don’t want any of your fuckin STDs.” “Hey, I don’t-” “Fuck you, it’s not my fuckin fault he went and killed himself. If anything, I bet he did it to get away from you. Hell, I would.” I stopped yelling. I was shaking and breathing heavily. She looked at me, stunned. Kaira took advantage of the momentary peace and threw in her part. She stepped between us and glared at Mona. “You need to leave… Lily’s got enough to deal with without you adding all your pathetic bullshit to it.” She glared back at Kaira, but didn’t respond. Then, she reached into her pocket and pulled out an envelope. “He left you one, too.” She said shortly. She tossed it down onto the coffee table and walked out. I pounced on the envelope and began ripping it open. Kaira reached over and plucked it gently out of my hand. “Lily… I don’t think you should read it.” “Come on Kaira, give it back to me.” “No, seriously Lily, I don’t think you should read it.” “Why not?” “Because you don’t need his bullshit. If he’ll lie to Mona, what makes you think he wouldn’t lie to you?” “…He loved me, Kaira.” I said softly. “So he said.” “He did.” I said firmly. “Now give me my goddamn letter.” “I don’t trust it, Lily.” “Well, that’s you. I’m the one who it’s addressed to. Now give it to me.” She sighed exasperatedly. “You never fuckin listen to me.” “Think what you want.” She handed me the letter. “Fine, but if you’re gonna purposely set yourself up to get hurt, then I’m not gonna stand by and watch.” She headed for the door. “Call me later if you need me.” She closed it with a snap and was gone. I opened the letter slowly, carefully. I gently smoothed the wrinkles out of the paper and began reading Jesse’s messy handwriting that I knew so well. My dearest Lily, lol, that sounds so nice and proper and… so not me. So I guess by now, you’ve heard…I’m sorry I left you, and I know you probly think its your fault that im…gone. but I want you to know that its not. If anything, you were the reason I stuck around for as long as I did. Its just… I couldn’t stand to watch you and nathan love each other anymore. I love you more then ive ever loved anyone, ever. And to see you with him, loving him… and knowing you you would never love me that way… I just couldn’t take it anymore. I don’t blame you. You cant help it if you don’t feel the same way about me. I don’t blame anyone but myself… I am weak and pathetic and stupid. maybe if I wasn’t, Id still be here… but I guess theres not really anything anyone can do now. I just wanted you to know that it was not your fault. I love you…I always will. And hey, ill watch over you, ok? Lol, that sounds so stalker-ish. But im gonna go now… Yours forever and always, Jesse I sank down onto the couch when I finished reading it and once again began sobbing uncontrollably. Finally, I had no more tears left to cry. I got up, went into my room, threw myself on the bed, and eventually fell into an uneasy sleep. It was the second time I had lost a brother to ‘love’.